


flakers

by empressfall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov (mentioned) - Freeform, But so is everyone else, Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse (mentioned) - Freeform, F/M, Inspired by Gossip Girl, James "Bucky" Barnes/Wanda Maximoff (mentioned) - Freeform, Maria Hill/Sam Wilson (mentioned), Pepper Potts/Tony Stark (Mentioned) - Freeform, Slow Burn, Thor/Jane Foster (Mentioned) - Freeform, Unplanned Pregnancy, drugs drinking partying everything, natasha is all kinds of fucked up, sexual content but very mild, steve is a bit OOC but he's still steve, will add more tags later probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-07-19 18:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 70,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19978369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empressfall/pseuds/empressfall
Summary: “I’m not gonna be your bad habit, Natasha. Not anymore. Find someone else to do your dirty business with.”“It’s not like that, Steve. This isn’t easy at all.”“And why’s that?”“Because I’m pregnant and you’re the only person I can go to. It’s yours.”AU





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this work is inspired by gossip girl. serena van der woodsen is the main inspiration.
> 
> this first chapter is hella long and it goes really fast. it covers nine years of natasha's life, but it's easy to read. it can seem repetitive but when you're reading it, you'll understand why.
> 
> steve is a bit out of character when it comes to his morals, but throughout the chapter, you'll see he's still the steve we know and love.
> 
> thank you for clicking on my story and i hope you enjoy it! i'm not gonna lie though, that pregnancy stuff you read in the description doesn't happen until the end of the chapter.
> 
> there's a lot of build up to that but it goes quick. you gotta read the whole thing so it makes sense.

The first time Natasha Romanoff saw Steve Rogers, she didn’t think much of him. _Sure_ , he was hot and wealthy and high enough up the Manhattan social pyramid, but he didn’t quite catch her eye. She had her eyes all over Matt Murdock, the sole heir to the Murdock fortune. But again, that was just the first time. 

She had seen him plenty of times afterward, considering the fact that they both attended the Shield School in the Upper West Side. He was two years older and had his own group of friends, but she still caught his eye in the hallways every now and then. 

On a gloomy February day during her freshman year, she accidentally runs into him while going up the wooden stairs at school. “ _Fuck!_ ” Her cell phone falls out of her hand, but it is caught before it would’ve landed on the hard surface of the step. 

“ _Language_ , beautiful.”

Natasha looks up and sees Steve standing there with that damned smirk on his face. “ _Uh_. Sorry, Steve. I guess I should just… really watch where I’m going.”

Steve chuckles, handing her phone back to her. “You really should, Romanoff. The Upper East Side wouldn’t want their princess to get hurt.” It’s almost teasing and mocking, but Natasha is unable to get any defensive statements out. 

She doesn’t know why she’s acting like this. She’s Natasha _fucking_ Romanoff. She’s the it-girl at the Shield School, despite what other people, especially the upperclassmen, thought. Sure, Steve Rogers and his family were just as prestigious and wealthy as hers, and he was just as popular, but that didn’t mean she’s suddenly shy around other people.

“See you around, beautiful,” Steve murmurs before another chuckle escapes from his lips. He brushes past her as Natasha takes a deep breath. 

The compliment is flattering, but she knows about his reputation. It was like a staple word he said in every sentence to a girl.

That was the most interaction they had for a while. Natasha did see him a few times during the summer at the Hamptons, but other than casual greetings or the occasional wink and nod, they didn’t interact.

Tony Stark threw a massive party at the end of the summer at his house along Lake Como and Natasha wasn’t gonna turn down an invitation to relax under the Italian sun. The sole heir to the Stark fortune was two years older than her, but she was friendly enough with him that she could drink whatever she wanted from his parents’ liquor cabinet. 

She went with Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, the Sokovian twins that partied more than she had thought at first. It was only when it hit her that they were European that she decided it made sense.

They certainly weren’t opposed to Natasha heading straight to the liquor cabinet after arriving at the massive Italian villa. ‘95 Dom for the Maximoffs and Beluga Gold Line vodka for her, because, _duh_ , she’s Russian.

She wastes away, occasionally mixing cranberry into her glass when she sees him. Natasha still remembers that moment pretty well, which is quite impressive, considering the fact that she was hammered. 

At this point, Natasha was way over Matt. That was a phase that ended pretty abruptly when he started going out with the real estate (boring!) heiress, Elektra Natchios. It was whatever, though. It wasn’t like Natasha was looking to settle. She just wanted some fun.

And it sounded like Steve’s been having fun lately. She had heard rumors over the summer that he may not return to Shield for his senior year. Apparently, that’s what the headmaster wants, but the Rogers family is influential as hell so no one knows what’s going on. No one knows why Headmaster Pierce is pushing for his expulsion. The possible reasons have been spun into some sort of legend already. Drugs, sex, cheating, theft, _blah blah blah_.

Steve spots her by the bar and comes up to her. "Hey, beautiful. Did you miss me?" He asks with a grin that makes her blush.

“Don’t call me that.” She laughs and the sound warms his heart. 

"But why?" He murmurs against her ear, as he pours himself another drink. Vodka, but not the Russian kind. Natasha inwardly cringes. 

"Because you call every girl that," Natasha retorts, as a shy smile appears on her lips and she has no fucking idea why she’s acting like this. She only acts like this around him. 

"But there's no other girl." Steve’s smirk grows impossibly wider. 

Natasha knows that’s not the truth, but the words are still flattering. “Oh, I’m sure,” she giggles. She inches closer to him. “So, what’s the story?” Natasha asks, tilting her head to get a better look at him. 

Steve shrugs with a cheeky grin on his face. He knows exactly what she’s talking about. “Unfortunately, it’s not that exciting. I just failed Calculus and Chemistry.” He snorts in amusement. “The lame classes, you know.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “That’s all?”

“I’m not Bucky,” is his only answer, before he takes off his shirt with a dangerous look in his eyes. He smiles at her, before downing his glass at once and tossing his shirt to the floor. “But I have my own tendencies, anyway.”

He disappears into the crowd of people on the deck and dances wildly with his friends. Sharon Carter grabs the back of his neck and pulls him into a kiss. 

If you asked her, Natasha would say she never believed in love at first sight. But with Sharon, perhaps it was love at… second real conversation sight. It just wasn’t something to get into at the moment. She forgot all about that.

The summer ended soon enough and everyone was heading back to the city to start another year of school. Steve, to no one’s surprise, was able to worm his way back to Shield for his senior year. With parents like Joseph and Sarah Rogers, anything was possible, but she did hear from Thor Odinson that he retook the final exams for Calculus and Chemistry before school started and actually passed them. So, he clearly wasn’t _that_ much of an idiot.

During the school year, Natasha didn’t see him much, but then again, she didn’t see much of the seniors around. They were off doing their own thing before they could finally get out of the hellhole. They were all children of wealthy socialites in Manhattan and all they truly needed was a high school diploma before they could all live their upscale lives with their family money.

It’s literally the Senior Prom when she sees him again. Natasha, being a sophomore, is obviously not allowed to come, but it’s not like Headmaster Pierce can do anything about James Rhodes asking her to Prom.

Natasha’s mom fusses over her, of course. She follows her to every dress fitting and helps pick out shoes and jewelry. She’s there when Natasha is getting her makeup done to make sure that her only child looks absolutely perfect. It surprises her how much attention she’s actually getting from Anna Romanoff. It’s not like her mother actually acknowledged her existence most of the time unless she’s scolding her.

Her red hair is curly but some of the locks are twisted into a braid behind her head. She’s wearing a black dress with a slit and an open back and the dress probably costs more than Headmaster Pierce’s rent.

Her mom had picked out a diamond necklace from Cartier with matching studs. No rings or bracelets because Anna Romanoff thinks that too much is too tacky. 

She can walk perfectly in her Louboutins, which she basically had been trained to wear since her foot was big enough to fit. Still, she holds onto Rhodey as they enter the Plaza Hotel’s ballroom. They decided to take pictures, just the two of them, in Central Park. (Rhodey just didn’t want to deal with Tony’s annoying habit of being two hours late to everything.)

Tony eventually shows up, but an hour late instead of two hours. Natasha assumes it’s because Pepper Potts is his date. Pepper’s a junior, but she and Tony have had a thing since fucking _forever_ , so no one is surprised to see them together.

Steve follows after them with Sharon. He’s wearing a silver ring on his left middle finger and it’s a simple ring, but it still stands out from his simple tux. 

Natasha considers saying something to him, because why the hell not, but she’s interrupted by Wanda, who showed up with Bucky Barnes. 

“This is so _exciting_ ,” Wanda squeals, “but some of the girls here really should have thought twice about what they’re wearing.” Her nose wrinkles. 

“As long as you and I look amazing, that’s all that matters,” Natasha says.

Wanda smiles and looks at Natasha’s gorgeous dress. “ _God_ , you look amazing! You know, your mom may have many questionable traits, but she sure as hell knows fashion.”

Natasha opens her mouth to respond, but Bucky and Rhodey come up to them, stealing them for a dance. 

And they dance and they have a blast. Of course, though, this is a school that the Manhattan elite attend, so obviously, there’s alcohol around. 

Natasha’s tipsy when Steve comes up to her, with a sleazy gleam in his eyes. He nudges her as she leans on the ballroom wall. 

“Hey, beautiful. You look like _hell_.”

Natasha looks at him and chuckles. “Aren’t you sweet?” She looks behind him and sees that Sharon is nowhere nearby. “Where’s your date?”

“Doing a few lines in the bathroom with Jane,” Steve responds, looking smug. “I’d join them, but I can only be so indecent to walk into the ladies restroom.”

“ _Wow_. Morals. I love that,” Natasha jokes, as she runs a hand through her hair, which has been getting messy throughout the night.

Steve shrugs. “We gotta have some. Not a lot, though.” He plays with the ring on his finger. 

Natasha eyes it. “You popping the question to Sharon?” She grabs his hands and looks at the ring. “It’s simple, but a little too simple. That diamond is like the size of Pierce’s balls. Come on, now. Aren’t you a Rogers? You guys are better than this.” She lets go of his hand.

“My parents would love that.” Steve chortles. “But it’s too bad I’m a rebel.” He takes the ring off and holds it in front of her line of sight. “And it’s not that simple. Look closer.”

The lights are dimmed but Natasha squints enough to make out an engraved skull with diamonds where the eyes are supposed to be.

“Very edgy,” she comments. “Where’d you get that from? Eastern Europe?”

Steve chuckles again and shakes his head. “Just a place.” He grabs her hand and drops the ring onto her palm. “Keep it. I think the ‘very edgy’ style would suit you.”

She blushes. Before she can respond, Steve gives her a curt nod and disappears into the masses.

It’s crazy to her how out of character she acts when she’s around Steve. It’s not like she actually knows him. They barely talk and when they do, they’re usually wasted. Maybe it’s because he’s charming, but a lot of boys at Shield are charming. She had a short fling with Jack Rollins in the beginning of the year and she played a little cat and mouse game with Pietro until Wanda told them to knock it off. She’s been crazy over so many boys, so what made him different? 

That was a mystery that Natasha didn’t know how to solve.

They didn’t really talk again, not until his graduation party. Natasha attended the graduation ceremony to see Tony walk across the stage, but later, she caught Steve’s eye and they smiled at each other, before heading off to talk to other people.

At the graduation party, everyone let loose in the massive Rogers penthouse. He wanted to throw a rager before he and Bucky jetted off to Dubai the next day. 

That night was the first time she slept with him. She was sixteen and he was still seventeen. His eighteenth birthday was only a month away on the Fourth of July. They were both high as hell and they did it in his bedroom, even with all the loud music blaring in the penthouse.

He wasn’t her first, though. More like her fourth. She wasn’t into dating, but she was always down to have some fun whether it went far or not. 

They both enjoyed each other’s company and they were both reckless as hell so all it took was some suggestive glances before he was tearing at her panties and giving her more pleasure than she could ever imagine. 

The next morning, they did a line of coke together before they said their goodbyes. He was off to Dubai and she was off to Turks and Caicos with her friends.

And for one whole year, Natasha didn’t see him. His ring stayed in her jewelry box, untouched.

* * *

To most people’s surprise, she started dating Bruce Banner a few months later. She had known Bruce since they were young children, but they were on opposite sides of the spectrum. He was a good guy with more morals than probably everyone at Shield combined and he was very laid back. He wasn’t a partier or some snobby heir. He only seemed to care about school and behaving. Natasha found out he was on a scholarship the first time she actually had a real conversation with him.

They went on a date in the beginning of junior year, but totally by accident. It was the only way she could get out of some dumb charity dinner thing that she had zero interest in attending. Bruce just happened to be shopping at Saks (for his mother’s birthday) when Natasha made up the lie.

To her surprise, she actually ended up liking Bruce. He was nice and funny and wasn’t an asshole like most guys she knew. And dare she say it, Bruce actually kept her grounded. She forgot about Steve for that year. She partied less because of him and focused a lot on school, which was crucial for junior year.

Andrei and Anna Romanoff didn’t really approve of Bruce when she introduced him to them, but after seeing how much he positively impacted her, they accepted it. They just didn't think it would last.

Wanda and Pietro were surprised to see this change in her, but they accepted, knowing that she was happy and that, in turn, made them happy. It surprised the hell out of Tony when he dropped by her penthouse to have dinner with them. 

“ _Wait_. So, this is real,” Tony says, not even bothering to hide his disbelief. “You weren’t fucking with me, Romanoff?”

Clint Barton rolls his eyes and slaps his shoulder. He turns to Pepper, “Jesus, Pepper. Tell your man to shut the hell up.” Barton’s a year older, but Natasha still likes his company. He was a pretty chill dude. 

Pepper laughs. “It’s cute that you think I can do that.”

“You can’t?” Maria Hill raises an eyebrow. “I would’ve thought…” She makes an obscene gesture with her hands and Pepper’s eyes widen.

“Stop it!” Pepper exclaims and Tony starts laughing hard.

“ _Okay, okay_ ,” Tony says, when he sees the glare that his girlfriend (??? No one knows) shoots at him. “Back to the important topic.”

He points to Bruce, who he had actually greeted politely earlier. “How does this relationship even work? You two are polar opposites and don’t give me that ‘opposites attract’ bullshit. Romanoff here is like all—”

“Don’t say something I’ll have to scold you for,” Pepper interrupts him.

Tony looks at Natasha with a raised eyebrow. “Well?”

“He’s a good guy. I like him. He likes me,” Natasha replies, with a shrug. “It’s simple like that.”

She glances at Bruce who smiles at her and kisses her lips. 

Tony retches. “Oh, _come on_ , you two. We’re trying to eat here.”

Natasha sticks her tongue out at him. “Let’s not act like you and Pepper don’t eye fuck 24/7.”

Tony snorts in amusement. “Like you and Rogers did at his graduation party.”

Natasha stills for a moment and meets his glance. She hesitates before saying, “Let’s not bring up the past, Tony.” 

Bruce knows damn well how wild she was (after all, she was nicknamed “The Black Widow”) so she’s not afraid of him judging her, but it’s not like she wants Tony to just gossip about her habits.

Pepper gives him a warning glance and Tony shrugs. “Well, alright, then.”

“Don’t mind his teasing,” Sam Wilson says, as he wraps an arm around Maria’s shoulders. “He’s an idiot. He may be triple majoring at Columbia, but he’s still a dumbass at times.”

“Thank you so much for that flattering compliment.” Tony rolls his eyes. He faces Bruce and Natasha and says, “You know I tease. It’s part of who I am. I hope you guys do last, though. You guys are interesting together. Definitely a unique pair.”

Yeah, _unique_. That’s what Bruce says to her when he breaks up with her the first time. They had been dating for about nine months when he tells her that he’s just not into a relationship at the moment. He has a lot on his plate and will be busy during the summer so he doesn’t want to just keep Natasha waiting.

Natasha understands because she knows Bruce still loves her and they’ll probably be able to fix things up in the fall.

Bruce goes off to some summer camp at MIT and Natasha decides to venture out to Budapest with her friends.

To her surprise, Steve is there with all of his friends. They’re at the same club as her and her friends. Sharon is there too, but her hands are all over Brock Rumlow.

Steve looks at her with those bright blue eyes that she has found herself to be unable to look away from since she first saw him when she was fourteen. He has that wicked grin on his face and when he sees her, it widens and he ambles towards her. 

“ _Natasha Romanoff_ ,” he says and she loves the way her name sounds in his charming voice. “What in the hell are you doing in Budapest?”

“I could ask the same for you,” Natasha says. “Aren’t you supposed to be at some major university studying business?”

Steve chuckles at that. “In my parents’ dreams.” He motions for her to follow him towards the bar and she tries to keep up as people crowd around the club.

“Your finest vodka,” Steve says to the bartender, “with cranberry. For me and her.”

The bartender nods.

Steve turns to Natasha. “I actually worked in London for, like, seven months. When you’re a Rogers—”

“I get it,” Natasha interrupts, with a nod. “Hell, my mom thought I was gonna go down that route.”

“Was?” Steve raises an eyebrow. 

“I dated a guy,” Natasha responds. “Very ethical guy. My parents thought I was finally gonna clean up my act.”

Steve bursts out laughing and Natasha blushes. He grabs his drink off the counter and takes a swig of it. “You dated someone like that? _Oh_ , how the mighty have fallen.”

She knows he’s teasing, but she raises an eyebrow. “What makes you better, then?”

“ _So_ much, darling,” Steve says, teasingly. 

“Elaborate, then,” Natasha challenges him, before taking a sip of her drink. Vodka cran. Her favorite.

Steve shrugs. “Do you really wanna find out?”

Natasha nods. “Well, of course.”

“You’ll find out eventually, but until then, let’s have some fun.” Steve grabs her hand and brings her to the table that his friends and now, her friends, have surrounded. 

Cocaine is distributed around the table and there’s weed being rolled up. Glasses and glasses of drinks lay around.

Natasha hasn’t partied this hard since before she started dating Bruce. She knows that he wouldn’t want her to be doing this and that she was going back to her old ways, but _fuck it_. She wanted to have a good time and she missed Steve.

The night doesn’t end when they leave the club. Wanda tells her to stay safe as she and Steve escape onto the streets. 

Steve buys her some chocolate to chew on as they make their way down a commercially active street. He tells her that his parents were surprisingly okay with him choosing to work instead of going to college. Natasha knows Steve’s not an idiot, he just didn’t try in high school.

He worked at a bank in London owned by his father’s friend, but then got bored and quit. He decided to just invest the money he made in London and make money off of that. His parents weren’t 100% on board with that, but apparently, he was getting good profit so they just let him do his thing. He’s been traveling around Europe for the past couple months. 

Steve asks her what she’s been up to and Natasha tells him that her life has been comparatively boring. She’s been working hard in school and cleaning up her act. Well, she was while she was dating Bruce. Now, she’s not so sure what she’ll be doing. 

She looks at Steve and he looks back at her with disbelief. “You’ve gone off the deep edge, Romanoff. And now look at what you’ve done tonight. You’re back at it.”

Natasha shrugs. “Can’t stay perfect forever.” She gives him a knowing look and he snickers.

He gives her drugs. They’re in his hotel room and they shoot up all these awesome things that Natasha loves. She knows that it’s fucked up but she was a fucked-up person. And so was Steve and she was having the time of her life with him.

They sleep together again and in the morning, Natasha writes him a note before creeping out of the room and texting Wanda. 

She doesn’t hear from Steve and she doesn’t bother to contact Steve again. He’s like her bad habit so he’s only there when she needs him.

School starts again and she and Bruce reconnect. And Bruce is unimpressed. He knows what Natasha did. She can’t lie to him. She loves him and tells him what she’s been up to during the summer.

He’s disappointed and they fight. Their relationship does not rekindle as she had hoped. She distracts herself by applying to college and by the time she gets her Early Decision acceptance from Yale, she and Bruce are on good terms again.

Tony jokes that it’s not gonna last and Pepper smacks him every time. Natasha is grateful but part of her is scared that he’s right.

She’s a mess and she wants to have fun. She can’t have fun with Bruce. She loves Bruce for who he is and he does enjoy the time they spend together, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss her methods of losing herself.

Spring Break is just around the corner and she finds herself asking Bucky for Steve’s number. Bucky and Wanda have stayed in contact, to her surprise (he actually stayed in New York for college at Columbia), and the Maximoff twin simply refers her to him. She would ask what her relationship to Bucky is but she knows she won’t get an honest answer.

“Is this allowed?” Bucky asks, with a chuckle, when he answers her call.

“What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean, Barnes?”

Bucky laughs again. “Aren’t you dating that one nerd?”

No. They’re on a break.

Natasha rolls her eyes. “ _Bucky_.” She needs a distraction from Bruce. She doesn’t need reminders.

“I’m just saying. Why do you need Steve’s number?”

“What’s your relationship with Wanda?”

That changes the course of their conversation and Bucky rattles off Steve’s number.

Natasha thanks him and Bucky grumbles, “ _Yeah, yeah_.” They hang up and she dials Steve’s number as she walks to her dresser.

“Who’s this? Steve picks up on the first ring and he sounds a little breathless. 

Natasha pauses for a quick second and says, “Natasha.” She opens her jewelry box and slips his ring onto her left middle finger, the same place where he wore it on his hand. 

If he’s surprised or confused as to how she has his phone number, he doesn’t say anything. After a beat, he asks, “How are you, beautiful?”

Natasha fights the urge to giggle. Smooth, as always. “Where are you?” She believes that Steve understands why he’s asking. He knows what time of the year it is.

“Out,” Steve replies, teasingly. 

“You down to be around?” Natasha asks, not even realizing that what she had just said rhymes. She runs her finger over the small diamonds. 

“For you, I could be,” Steve responds, simply, with all amusement gone from his tone.

“My parents are in Tokyo. I’m bored and alone. What do you say to Tahiti?” It’s bold of her to be asking him this, but she has enough confidence to do it.

Steve is silent for a moment on the other line before saying. “Well, of course.”

* * *

They’re off to Tahiti, staying in a gorgeous resort that Natasha instantly falls in love with. She’s kind of surprised that Steve dropped everything to be with her, but she wasn’t sure if there was much for him to drop, anyway.

“I came here for winter break a few years ago,” he tells her, “I can promise you we’ll have a party here.” He smiles when he sees the ring on her finger. 

And they do. They have their innocent fun on the beach, splashing each other with water and playing in the sand. It was actually quite peaceful.

At night, though, Natasha let herself loose and she did gross amounts of coke with Steve. They made out after drinking too much and the power of the drugs and booze made her light up. 

She noticed that Steve wasn’t going as hard as she was but she dismissed it as him trying to make sure she had a good time. She raises an eyebrow. “Are you holding back on me, Rogers?”

Steve smiles as he takes a small sip of his drink. He was still on his first glass. “Of course not. I promised you a party, didn’t I?”

Natasha smashes her lips against his and knocks his drink out the way. They hurry back to their hotel room and have mind-blowing sex. He kisses every part of her body and she decides that this is what heaven feels like.

The next morning, Natasha is hovering over the toilet and vomiting. “Hangovers _suck_ ,” she whines, as Steve rubs her back.

“You went crazy,” Steve says, with an amused expression on his face.

“What a surprise,” she says sarcastically as she moves her hair out of the way. She groans and leans against the bathroom counter. 

Steve raises an eyebrow. “Why don’t you tell me what’s been bothering you?”

Natasha frowns. “What?”

Steve gives her a look. “You know what I mean.” He tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear.

Natasha sighs and starts rambling about everything. She goes on and on explaining everything that’s been fucking with her back home in New York.

“My parents think Bruce is good for me, but they don’t want me to, _like_ , marry him. And to be honest, I don’t think I will,” Natasha admitted. “We love each other but I don’t think we’re gonna last forever.”

She groaned out loud. “God, now I’m probably gonna be forced to marry Clint or something.” She loved Clint, but he was more like a brother to her. 

Steve nudged her. “How about this? Promise me that when we’re old—”

“How old is old?” Natasha asks, as she stares up at the ceiling. 

“ _Hmm_ … like thirty,” Steve answers.

Natasha’s eyebrows furrow. “That’s old to you?”

Steve shrugs. “It seems that everyone gets uptight by the time they reach that age.”

“Okay, _true_. Continue.”

“So, whenever we get old, if we’re both unmarried and have no one better to fuck around with for the rest of our lives,” Steve says, “Promise me that we’ll marry each other.” He points to her finger. “I already gave you a ring.”

Natasha isn’t sure if he’s joking or not. She turns to look at him and lets out a weak chuckle. “Do you really think that’s a good idea? We’re both fucked up.”

“ _Exactly_. It’s a match made in heaven,” Steve says, “We gotta do it.”

Natasha sits up straighter and lets out a louder laugh. “You know what? You’re right.” She holds up her pinkie. “Pinkie swear?”

“Of course.”

“But you gotta get me a ring with a bigger diamond though. This is cute, but I’m a _Romanoff_.”

He laughs and repeats himself. “Of course.”

Soon, the week ends and Natasha’s packing her bag to return to New York. Steve walks into the room after taking a shower and he groans. “Really? Wearing my clothes?”

Natasha turns to him with a devilish smirk on her face. “What about it?”

Steve takes a step back. “That’s the sexiest thing a girl can do.”

“Wow,” Natasha says, “I guess what I do to you just isn’t enough.” She creeps closer to him to give him a better view of his dress shirt that’s barely covering her breasts.

“Why don’t you try again, then?” Steve suggests, giving her a wink in the process.

“ _Nah_ ,” Natasha says, shaking her head. “I gotta run.”

“Is this a thing you’re doing now? Like in Budapest?”

“I think so.” She nods and quickly buttons up his shirt before slipping on a pair of athletic shorts. “See ya!” She doesn’t give him any time to respond before she bolts out of the room.

She forgets about him again as she and Bruce go through their shit again. It’s never-ending and Pietro asks if they’re even gonna go to Senior Prom together. Natasha isn’t sure. 

He’s headed to Boston to attend Harvard in the fall and she’s headed to New Haven to attend Yale. They had planned on doing the long-distance thing with only two hours between them, but now she isn’t so sure if that’s gonna end up happening.

They’re technically dating now, but it’s just not the same. She doesn’t know what she can do to make it better, but it’s not like Bruce is putting in a considerable amount of effort, either. It’s just weird.

They do end up going to Prom and Natasha has a decent time, but she feels that the Prom she went to two years ago was better. They graduate and have their (boringly tame) graduation parties.

Natasha invited Bruce to go on vacation with her but he declined, opting to go on some safari with his Harvard roommate. They broke up. Natasha pretended that she was okay with that.

All her friends were all going on their own vacations. The Maximoff twins were going to visit their native Sokovia. Clint was going to Brazil. Maria was going to Indonesia with Sam. Everyone else was leaving, just the same. Her parents were off to who-knows-where. She didn’t even bother to ask. 

Her boredom was killing her on just the second day of summer. So, she finds herself laying on her bed with her thumb hovering over a specific contact in her phone.

After mentally debating her options, Natasha sighs and calls Steve. “Let's get fucked up,” she says when he responds.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right? Aren’t you supposed to be celebrating the end of high school in like Barbados or something?” Steve asks, after laughing. She missed that laugh.

“I’m in New York alone and I’m so bored I might just get a car and drive off to, like, the fucking Midwest.”

Steve fakes a gasp. “Oh, _shit_ , Romanoff. You really do need me there.”

Later that night, he arrives to her penthouse with only a Burberry duffle bag for luggage.

“Where were you at?” Natasha asks.

“Buenos Aires,” he responds, as he makes himself at home. He tosses his duffle bag on the sofa and lays on the other one across from it. “I think I picked up on some Spanish there.”

Natasha rolls her eyes as she sits across from him. “I bet.”

Steve rubs his tired eyes. “So, what do you want to do? Are we staying here or are we leaving?”

Natasha ponders for a moment and then suggests, “How do you feel about skiing?”

Steve immediately sits up. “It’s summer.”

“Beaches can get repetitive,” Natasha says, with a shrug. “Skiing sounds cool.”

Steve doesn’t even protest as they head to Canada. He says that Tony said that Stark Industries had a reception at a nice resort there and he picks that one for them to go to. Her ring stays in her jewelry box. She doesn’t want to risk losing it in the snow. 

“You’re the _best_ ,” Natasha purrs into his ear, shortly before falling asleep on the plane. 

Even in small skiing resort areas in Canada, Natasha finds that you can party anywhere. She’s dancing around their room with a bottle of champagne in her hand and Steve just watches with a wide grin on his face.

“You’re gonna regret all that drinking in the morning,” Steve notes. “You won’t be able to ski tomorrow.”

“And you’ll regret not drinking,” Natasha teases him. She points the mouth of the bottle at him. “Why are you holding back on me? This isn’t rehab.”

Steve pauses before responding. “That’s true. There’ll always be rehab when it’s needed.”

“ _You?_ In rehab?” Natasha laughs. “Oh, _please_. Like that’ll happen. You’re too perfect.”

She doesn’t even know that Steve’s been trying to get clean for almost a year. It’s just when he’s around Natasha that he finds it difficult to succeed with that. 

So, he joins her when she starts doing drugs and drinking. She’s destructive, but so was he. 

They both regret it in the morning, but on the third day, they spend the whole day at the slopes, having the time of their lives. Natasha is impressed with how good Steve is. He even teaches her how to ski more efficiently.

They go tubing afterward and then he buys her hot chocolate at the lounge. 

“ _This_ ,” he tells her, “is much better for you now.”

Natasha smiles at him. “Taking care of me, are you, Steve?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” Steve says.

“You’re not in love with me, are you?” Natasha jokes, after taking a sip of her drink. It’s delicious.

Steve studies her for a moment. “ _Always_.” He sighs theatrically and furrows his brow. “But I can live with it.”

Natasha can’t help it. She laughs and laughs until Steve pokes her shoulder. “Drink up, Nat.”

That’s the first time he calls her that.

* * *

Things start to change as July begins. Natasha did have sex with Steve in Canada, before leaving to meet with Wanda in Austria. She doesn’t even think about that. She has other things to worry about now.

“You’re _kidding_ ,” Wanda says, in disbelief. “You can’t be serious.”

Natasha sighs. “I am. They let me do it.” After spending time with Steve, she decided to defer her admission to Yale by a year. She was actually surprised that they let her do it so easily. Money gets you everything, she supposed.

“But why? What else are you gonna do? What did you tell Yale you were gonna do?”

“Travel. Volunteer. I’m not even sure what I’m majoring in, Wanda. It makes sense to do that whole ‘find yourself’ journey,” Natasha answers. 

“With _Steve_ ,” Wanda says it like a statement and not a question.

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“What is with you two? Are you guys dating?” Wanda’s curious because she’s been dating Bucky for a couple of months now and he hasn’t told her anything about Steve and Natasha, even though Steve is his best friend.

Natasha frowns. “No. Why would you think that?”

Wanda shrugs. “You always run off with him.”

“We’re just having fun.” It’s the truth in Natasha’s opinion. They’re just enjoying life together.

“What about you and Bruce? Are you guys gonna fix things?” Wanda asks the dreaded question.

“I don’t know,” Natasha groans, “He and I are just… _difficult_. We love each other but sometimes our differences really mess us up even though we try to get past them.”

Wanda asks, “Do you think it’s worth trying with him anymore?”

Natasha doesn’t know. “I want it to be worth it, but I don’t know if it will be. Maybe our relationship has run its course and we’re just supposed to be friends.”

“Would you be okay with that? Just being friends?” 

Natasha shrugs. “I’ve never done this before, Wanda. I don’t do relationships. We’re not like you and Bucky.”

Wanda and Bucky are perfect. They’re the happiest that Natasha’s ever seen them and she can’t help but be jealous of what they have. They’re both crazy and wild, but when it comes to each other, they have a connection that keeps the two of them grounded.

“I know, Nat, but you have to decide what you’re gonna do. I know you’re gonna run. It’s what you do,” Wanda says, “If you don’t decide what you’re gonna do about Bruce, you’re gonna run back into Steve Rogers’ arms.”

“Steve’s just my bad habit,” Natasha insists. “He knows that. That’s why he doesn’t come after me whenever I leave.”

Wanda frowns. “You two are so _weird_. How are you both okay with this? You’re like… using each other. Or, well, you’re using him.”

“I like sex with him. He likes the sex with me,” Natasha says. “It’s simple.” In her mind, it was. Steve never complained or commented on the nature of their relationship so she assumes he feels the same.

“This is gonna blow up in your face one day,” Wanda warns her, “so you need to figure this out.”

“I am.” Natasha nods. “I’ll be back for Christmas. I promise.”

She leaves New York the next day and jets off to Seoul. She gets lost in a culture that isn’t hers and enjoys sightseeing around various countries in Asia. She keeps contact with her closest friends so that they know she’s not dead.

Natasha does touristy things all day and parties all night. She meets cool people and enjoys their company, but doesn’t bother to actually initiate friendships. She’s simply here for a good time and slowing herself down is not something she’s interested in. She doesn’t think about Steve or Bruce or her parents.

Her parents had reacted just as she expected when she told them that she was deferring her admission to Yale. Her father scolded her for being irresponsible and lacking direction in her life. He told her that she was the only heir to the Romanoff family and therefore, she can’t just be some reckless mess.

On the other hand, her mother understood. She had done the same “find yourself” journey when she was Natasha’s age and she knows that it’s necessary. She did warn her that she can’t do it for too long or else the whole act just becomes sad. 

Natasha promised her, as well, that she’d only do it for a year, at the most and she was grateful her mother understood.

Eventually, the holidays begin to come around and Natasha finds herself flying from Mumbai to New York. She’s getting tired of the heat and is thankful to return to the frosty temperatures in Manhattan.

The Wilson family throws a massive Christmas gala and Natasha finds herself attending with her parents. 

To her surprise, Steve is there too.

While people dance on the dancefloor, Natasha walks up to Steve, who is in the middle of a conversation with Bucky, Tony, and Thor.

The other guys walk away to let them talk. They know that Natasha and Steve have a weird relationship.

“You’re back,” Natasha says.

“As are you,” Steve says. “Tony mentioned to me that you’re taking a gap year from Yale.”

“I am.”

Steve cocks his head to the side. “Why?”

Natasha shrugs as they begin to walk around. “I don’t think I’m ready to plunge myself into four years of hell again. School sucks.”

“I suppose that makes sense. What have you been doing these past few months then?”

“Traveled around Asia,” Natasha replies. “It’s quite beautiful.” She turns to glance at him. “How long has it been since you last stepped foot in New York?”

Steve chuckles. “A lifetime. Just a couple of years. It’s not like my parents are itching to see me, so I don’t have much of a reason to come back. Tony and the guys all come visit me when they can.”

“Do you think you’ll ever move back here permanently? Your whole life was here.”

“What about you?” Steve asks her. “What are you gonna do? Aren’t you and Bruce still—”

“We’re not together and I don’t know if we will be ever again. I haven’t spoken to him in a while,” Natasha admits. 

Steve looks at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. “I’m sorry.”

Natasha shrugs. “Relationships suck. How’s your love life going?”

“It’s going nowhere,” Steve says. “It’s not something I’ve been actively working on.”

“Same,” Natasha says, “but it’s just so weird to me. I feel like I keep holding myself back from the life that I should be having right now.”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “Meaning?”

“All of my friends are like me. We party and drink and have the time of our lives. We’re all wild and insane and destructive _but_ … they still have some stability. They still have some morals. They’re in college and they’re thinking ahead to their future but… I’m not. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. I don’t know if I even want to go to Yale and I know that sounds so horrible but I just have no idea what I’m doing with myself,” Natasha says, with a vulnerable expression on her face.

She crosses her arms as she and Steve huddle in a corner. “Me and Bruce just seem to get worse every time we try again. I know that Pietro and Wanda and everyone secretly thinks I’m, like, ruining myself. My parents think I’m a failure. I don’t know how to fix myself.”

She continues to explain her predicament and it makes her emotional. She doesn’t really like talking about her problems because facing reality is nothing more than hell to her. 

She’s shaking and she feels that if she keeps talking, she’ll cry. And that’s the last thing she wants to do in public.

Steve is the only person that Natasha has truly explained herself to. She allows him to see her broken and she doesn’t know why it’s him that she does that to. Maybe it’s because he’s like her. He went on a different path than his friends and he’s the only person that she can relate to. He never judges her and she thinks that she likes that most about him. He understands. 

Steve says sweet things to her to cheer her up, but she’s not listening because she’s lost in thought.

She interrupts him halfway through his little cheer up speech and asks, “How come I never see you vulnerable? You always take care of me. I never get to take care of you.”

Steve keeps most of his toxic shit to himself so she doesn’t know the extent of his pain. She knows he feels it but he never shares.

“You wouldn’t enjoy it,” Steve replies, with a brood expression. “I don’t like myself like that.”

Natasha catches her breath. “You don’t know that. I like you all the time. I enjoy your company all the time.”

Steve lets out a chuckle but the smile doesn’t meet his eyes. “You don’t even see me all the time. Who knows when you’ll see me after this?”

For once, Natasha stops drinking after the second glass and Steve, to her knowledge, hasn’t even finished one glass. The party is dying out so Steve takes Natasha to his penthouse. He tells her that his parents are on their way to the airport to spend the rest of the holidays in the Maldives.

“They renovated,” Steve tells her as they enter the beautiful living room. “It looks nice, doesn’t it?”

“It does.” Natasha nods.

Steve goes to the kitchen and brings her a glass of water. “Let’s have a real conversation,” he suggests. “Water won’t affect it.”

They talk.

“I don’t know what kind of life I want,” Natasha confesses. “I’ve tried so many but I don’t really like any of them. Being a good girl with Bruce is boring. Being a proper heiress is just… no one can really pull that off. Being a wild black sheep is probably killing me.”

Steve shrugs. “At least you’re trying and that matters most.”

“Yeah,” Natasha says, “but my life is being so repetitive. I keep going in circles and retrying every life that I already failed. I’m stuck and I don’t know how to get out.”

“I got out. At least for a while,” Steve says and Natasha looks up to meet his glance. His beautiful blue eyes warm her heart.

“What did you do differently?”

“I stayed in one place,” Steve responds, “and I tried to be a normal person, but it doesn’t last forever for me.”

Natasha leans back on the loveseat. “I don’t know if I could do that.”

Steve chuckles. “Nothing good lasts forever.”

“ _Unfortunately_ ,” Natasha sighs.

Steve scoots closer to her. “Do you want to know something about me?”

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “Sure.” He knows so much about her and she knows so little about him. Of course she’s down to hear about him.

“You didn’t move here until like middle school,” Steve says, “which means you didn’t know me when I was Skinny Steve.”

“ _Skinny Steve_ ,” Natasha repeats with interest. “What does that mean?”

“I was literally stick thin,” Steve replies, “I had chicken legs and I was incredibly lanky. Not attractive at all.”

Natasha’s nose wrinkles. “I don’t believe that for a second.”

Steve laughs. “I was. I was a completely different person than I am now than I was in high school. I was a quiet guy and pretty shy. I was friends with Tony and Bucky and Thor but I was always that one friend who was more laid back. Art was my biggest passion.”

He stands up and walks toward the fireplace mantle. He grabs a picture frame and shows it to her.

Natasha looks and sees that it’s the core four when they were younger. Her eyes widen when she sees what Steve looked like. “ _Wow_.”

“I know,” Steve says with a smirk. “I’m glad puberty hit me.” He sets the photo back on the mantle.

“Did puberty change your personality?” Natasha asks.

“You could say that,” Steve replies. “I became more confident and I became the wild piece of shit that I am now. Back when I was Skinny Steve, partying and drinking and sleeping around was beneath me. I was an innocent son of a bitch and that was when my parents actually liked me.”

Natasha chuckles. “So you’re saying that getting taller and gaining muscle turns you into a partying fuckboy?”

“We all get lost, Nat,” he says and she smiles at the nickname. “We just have to find ourselves eventually. Maybe one day I’ll get to go back to the happy and hopeful guy I was back in middle school.”

“Have you found yourself? Are you close?” She inquires.

Steve pauses for a moment and responds. “I have, but it’s not a good time.”

“Why is that?” Natasha frowns.

Steve smiles but then changes the subject. “Tell me what you’re gonna do about Bruce.”

Goddammit. Why did he have to bring that up?

* * *

They slept together. As usual. When the sun started to rise, Natasha bolted and Steve didn’t even stir in his sleep. They didn’t bother to contact each other, as usual. Natasha hears from Tony that Steve returned to Amsterdam. 

Natasha considers giving Bruce a call, but she decides that as long as she’s traveling and he’s studying hard at Harvard, now isn’t the best time. She thinks about what Steve said. About how he thinks he found himself but it’s not the right time. She decides that she and Bruce could work out again but not yet.

So, she leaves. Her friends expect it so they simply tell her to take care of herself and she promises to come back by the time summer starts. She says she’ll have a clear vision about her life by then, but she really isn’t sure if that’s true.

She expects to come back in June. She comes back in March instead. Her parents are _dead_. Their private plane experienced engine failure in the Marshall Islands and they died on impact.

Natasha doesn’t even know what to think. Wanda is the one who calls her while she’s in Sao Paulo and she’s on the first flight back to New York. 

Pepper helps her plan the funeral because she has a knack for these kinds of things. Not funeral planning but just planning, in general. Natasha can’t relate.

The funeral happens and Natasha gives a eulogy. It definitely ranks in the Top 5 hardest things she ever had to do. Tony, being a pro at these type of speech giving things, helps her write it out.

She doesn’t know how she even got through the whole eulogy but she’s relieved when Wanda and Pietro wrap their arms around her as she leaves the podium. 

She cries as the funeral comes to a close. Clint and his girlfriend, Bobbi Morse (who Natasha actually likes), offer to take her out for ice cream but Natasha politely declines, wishing to comfort herself in her bed.

Bucky gives her a ride home in his limo before he and Wanda head off to get food.

Natasha sleeps on the sofa as her legs give out before she can reach her old bedroom. She sleeps for about thirty minutes when her doorbell rings.

She sighs and gets up. She hopes it’s not one of her parents’ friends who are there to express their condolences. She’s getting tired of that. She doesn’t even know how to comprehend that her parents are actually gone and that the whole Romanoff Empire is in her hands. It’s her responsibility now and the last thing she needs is to be constantly reminded of it.

“Hey beautiful,” she hears when she opens the door.

Natasha looks up and sees those ocean eyes that she loves. “ _Steve_.” Her mouth is agape as she takes in the sight. He’s dressed in a black suit and looks more handsome than ever. “What are you doing here?”

“Your parents died, Nat. I wasn’t gonna miss the funeral,” he responds as she moves aside to let him in. 

“I… How did you know?” Natasha and Pepper only invited people who lived in New York to the funeral. She didn’t even think about telling Steve when they were sending out the details.

“My parents,” he reminded her. “You did invite them.”

Oh, right. Natasha forgot about that. “ _Oh_. Yeah, yeah.”

“I had to pay my respects. I’ve known your parents for a while and besides, I had to check in with you. It’s been a couple of months,” Steve says. If he’s offended that she didn’t tell him about her parents and didn’t invite him to the funeral, he doesn’t show it. He just looks sympathetic.

Natasha nods. “Oh. _Right_. Thank you, Steve. That means a lot.”

Steve looks at her but doesn’t say anything. After a few seconds, he pulls her into a hug. “Is Banner taking care of you or are you still on your ‘find myself’ journey?”

Bruce came to the funeral and she had a brief conversation with him, but it was nothing special. Nothing that he said made her feel that he was enthusiastic to start again with her, but she did appreciate his kind words.

“Bruce and I are still not together and yes, I still am on my journey,” Natasha responds, “but it’s gonna end soon. That’s what I told everyone.” She rests her head against his chest and it makes her feel better.

Steve raises an eyebrow. “Do you actually believe it’ll end soon?”

Natasha shrugs. “At first, I didn’t but now… now that my parents are dead… I have all this responsibility now. I’m in charge of our fortune. I’m in charge of everything.” Her parents left her everything and it was more than she could deal with.

They let go and he reaches out to touch her arm. His fingertips lightly brush against. “Will you be okay?”

Natasha purses her lips, thinking of what to say. “ _Honestly_ … I’m not sure. I will be, eventually, but right now… it’s just a lot.”

Steve nods in understanding. His fingers travel down her arm and he holds her hand. It’s intimate and it’s different than most of the physical interactions she has with him. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I know that you and your parents had a difficult relationship, but they did love you. _So much_. I’m sorry your time with them got cut so short.”

And before she can even stop herself, the tears come out again. She knows that Steve didn’t make her cry on purpose but the words have so much truth to them that she cries anyway.

Steve is there to comfort her through it all and when she’s finally dried out, she kisses him and she brings him to her bed where he makes her forget all night long. 

After that, they see each other even less. Their meetings are more sporadic. She doesn’t see him again until November and she has a lot to update him on.

She actually runs into him by chance. He’s in London to do some investment banking shit that she doesn’t care for and she’s in the city to sort out some of the stuff in her parents’ will. They left her a flat that she doesn’t know what to do with.

“What happened to Yale?” Steve asks as they both sit down with their coffees. 

“My journey ended and I realized that I truly don’t want to go anymore. It’s not something I see in my future anymore,” Natasha admits. 

Her friends were taken aback by her decision, but they were becoming accustomed to her behavior in recent years, so no one was particularly disapproving. They knew that Natasha had enough money to last her a lifetime and working as a philanthropist was an open option for her. 

Steve looks surprised. “So, what are you doing now?”

“I plan events in New York. I do charity work. I volunteer,” Natasha replies. “I had to spend a lot of time in New York to sort out my parents’ will and I’m still doing that now, actually. I decided to just… try to stay in New York and get into the whole philanthropy thing.”

Steve looks impressed. “Is that what you’re gonna stick with?”

Natasha shrugs. “Who knows. I’m decently content with that now, but you know me. I change my mind too much.”

“ _Still_ ,” Steve says, “eight months in one place is pretty impressive for you nowadays.”

Natasha chuckles. “I’ll be proud if I last a year."

After they finish their coffees, they walk around the city together. They talk about their lives and she tells him that she thinks she’ll pursue Bruce again, but not for another year or two. He’s busy in Boston with Harvard and she knows that it’ll cause problems if they just jump into it.

They stay together for a few days in her parents’ flat. He helps her box some things up after his work in the city is done. 

“It’s your birthday,” he says, after a few days. They just finished having amazing sex and that’s the first thing he says when they’re done.

Natasha turns to look at him. “No. It’s tomor—”

“It’s past midnight,” Steve says, pointing to the digital clock on her nightstand.

“ _Oh_ ,” Natasha says, “I guess it is.”

Steve sits up and strokes her fiery red locks. “One more round for your birthday and then, tomorrow, I’m treating you.”

Natasha looks at him with a mischievous look on her face as he ravishes her all night long.

The next morning, he buys her a necklace that has the most beautiful stone that she has ever seen. It costs a fortune, but hey, he’s Steve Rogers and money comes in an abundance for him.

She decides that even though the necklace is beautiful, she loves the ring he gave her years ago. It’s sitting in her jewelry box at home. 

She smiles as Steve puts the necklace around her neck. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, beautiful.” 

She feels at peace, but she knows she has to go. She doesn’t know why she can’t just stay and enjoy his company, but this is who she is and this is what she does. He seems to know, as well, that she’ll be leaving again. The way he kisses her at the door tells her that. 

They don’t see each other again for almost a year. It’s August and Pepper and Tony are getting married. He popped the question in April and they’re on their way to the altar soon enough.

Natasha’s been staying in New York for around a year and a half and it shocks everyone, including herself, every single day. 

Nonetheless, she’s one of the bridesmaids at the wedding. She knows that Steve is one of the groomsmen so she’s expecting to see him sooner or later. 

It’s at the rehearsal dinner that she sees him. She considers saying something to him, but Bruce is there too and she knows she has to be careful with Bruce.

“How’s Harvard?” She asks him as they settle at their table.

“It’s good, but it’s a lot of work. I’m doing fine though. 4.0,” Bruce tells her.

“I expected nothing less,” Natasha says, with a smile. 

Bruce smiles back at her and then he proceeds to tell her about his plans to graduate in May, a year early. He hints that he’s looking forward to being back in New York where she is. 

“And what if I leave?” Natasha says, teasingly.

“I guess I’ll have to come find you,” Bruce replies, with a shrug. His eyes have a light that makes Natasha happy. 

She likes this. She likes being able to talk to Bruce like this again. It makes her miss their high school days. 

She sees Steve from the corner of her eye and they curtly nod at each other, but they don’t talk. She focuses her attention on Bruce. Only Bruce.

The rehearsal dinner ends and she and Bruce go out to get frozen yogurt afterward. They grab an early breakfast together the next day before Natasha has to go and get ready for the wedding later that day.

The wedding goes on smoothly. Pepper looks beautiful and Tony looks as dashing as ever. The ceremony is lovely and Natasha feels that she’s in a fairytale. She smiles widely when Tony kisses his bride.

And then they party afterward. Natasha has drank and partied less after her parents died, so when she drinks Russian vodka for the first time in months, she loses herself.

Bruce has loosened up a little in the past few years and he shares a drink with her. “ _God_ , I don’t know how you used to drink this stuff like it was water.” He grimaces. “I hate vodka.”

“You’re an American,” Natasha jokes, “So _weak_.”

He rolls his eyes. “I suppose, Tasha.”

They dance together and talk about their hopes and dreams for the future. Natasha makes some stuff up because despite the fact that she’s “found herself”, she hasn’t through it through as much as Bruce did.

Eventually, as the reception draws to a close, Bruce says he has to get back to Boston in the morning because the school year starts soon. They hug and Natasha feels at home in his embrace. They say goodbye to each other and Natasha goes to find Wanda.

She sees that Wanda is busy slow dancing with Bucky so she stops, watching them with a small smile.

“Hey beautiful,” she hears behind her.

Natasha turns to see Steve, looking absolutely amazing in his tux, with a champagne flute in his hand. “Steve.”

“It’s been a while,” he notes, as he inches closer to her. “How’ve you been?”

“Good,” she says, “I’m still in New York.”

Steve looks genuinely happy. “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

Natasha nods. “Thank you.” She has a shy smile on her face now. Why should even bother consuming alcohol when Steve makes her feel the same way it does? She doesn’t even know why that is.

“I saw you and Banner talking. Are you guys ready to patch things up?” He asks.

Natasha bites her lip for a second before responding, “ _Uh_ … well, he’s still at Harvard but… he says he plans on graduating early and he’s on track to do that so _maybe_ … maybe in the summer.”

“That’s great,” Steve says. “You deserve that.”

Natasha’s smile widens. “Thanks. Now, what about you? What are you doing these days?”

Steve shrugs. “Nothing special. Thor and I have been working around in Norway with Jane.”

“Having fun?”

“Well, of course.”

“Meet anyone special?”

Steve chuckles. “Already have, but it’s not a good time.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “Will it ever be?”

“That’s not for me to decide,” Steve says, before taking one last sip of his champagne. “I wanted to talk to Bucky but he seems occupied so… do you wanna go get ice cream?”

Natasha is always down for ice cream. She has cookies and cream in a waffle cone and he has simple vanilla. They talk about what Steve’s been up to in Norway and what Natasha’s been doing for her charity events. 

It’s small talk and so casual, which isn’t the norm for them. Alcohol and drugs aren’t dictating the conversation and it’s just them, being themselves. Natasha thinks it’s weird.

They still find themselves tangled in his bedsheets later that night. His parents are off to who-knows-where and the penthouse is empty. They go through several rounds and Natasha gets a release that she hasn’t experienced in a while.

When she wasn’t off sleeping with Steve, she was sleeping with people like Matt Murdock, who was on and off with Elektra all the time. It didn’t mean anything, but it wasn’t like she was looking to date with anyone other than Bruce.

The sun rose and Natasha was already putting her clothes back on as fast as she could before Steve woke up. 

To her dismay, Steve woke up. “Natasha, _wait!_ ” He jumps out of bed in all his naked glory and quickly puts his boxers back on. “You don’t need to go.”

“Yes, I do,” Natasha insists, turning away from him. “This is how you and I work, Steve.”

“I know, Nat, but listen—”

Natasha groans, loudly. “Why should I stay? We’ve been doing this for years. This is the way we do things.”

“You need me,” Steve says, stepping closer to her so that she would face him. “I’m the _only_ one who is willing to play this game with you. I’m the only one that understands you. I’m there for all your bad decisions and I’m there for whenever your life just seems beyond fucked up.”

Natasha frowns. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know I love you and I can never say no to you, even after you—”

Natasha’s eyes widen and she has that deer in the headlights look on her face. “This is not why I came here.” She realizes what he was talking about earlier and it terrified her. 

She runs and Steve doesn’t follow her, because he understands.

* * *

Natasha becomes frustrated and gets annoyed by the littlest things as the months follow. Steve’s words stick with her even though she doesn’t want them to. She goes back to self-medicating herself, in hopes that it’ll get it all to stop. 

If her friends noticed her change in behavior, they don’t say anything. Wanda and Maria look concerned every now and then, but they don’t say anything and she’s grateful for that. She’s accepted that Steve only said that to make her stay and have a good time with him. That’s who Steve is and she knows that. She gets over it.

It’s April and Bruce is graduating next month and coming back to New York and Natasha can’t be any more excited.

She’s still an idiot, though, and she decides that she wants to see Steve one more time before she and Bruce hit it off again. She believes that getting closure would be nice because she knows that she and Steve were fucked up and that they can’t just leave things be.

She calls him after coming back from a meeting. 

“Hey,” Natasha says, as she leans on the headboard of her bed, “Want to get out of here?”

If Steve’s still hung up on their last interaction, he doesn’t say anything and his tone doesn’t show any disdain towards her. Instead, he laughs. “You should know the answer to that one, beautiful.” 

Before she knows it, she’s flying to Mykonos to see him. 

They do the usual. Natasha’s dancing on top of a table, drowning her spirits with her beloved Russian vodka. Steve sits and watches, as he slowly sips on a glass of red wine. He looks at her in awe and it makes her feel good. She doesn’t know how else to describe it.

Eventually, they settle into their room with a beautiful view of the sea. It’s pitch black out but Greece is still stunning.

They’re laying in bed and she’s on the verge of passing out after the crazy night. Steve strokes her hair as she scoots closer into his embrace.

She asks him, “Who have you actually loved?”

She’s drunk, but she can still think with some sense. She knows that since high school that Steve was never one for long term relationships. Sharon was the only person he actually dated, but he had a lot of flings. 

“Not many people,” Steve replies in a put-upon wise tone that shows that he’s being evasive. He pauses and adds, “You’re one of them, but you already knew that.”

Natasha laughs. “You’re hilarious, Steve. Just so funny.” He’s said that before but Natasha knows to take everything he says with a grain of salt. She taps his nose and closes her eyes. “I think I’m out.”

She doesn’t hear Steve sigh as he tightens his embrace. 

A few days later, it’s like a broken record. Natasha flees and returns to New York. She spends some time with her friends and to her surprise, Thor Odinson is there with his stepbrother, Loki Laufeyson. He turns out to be Bruce’s roommate at Harvard.

“That _bastard_ ,” Loki snorts in amusement, “left me a year early and now I don’t know who I’ll be staying with in the fall.”

She laughs and engages in small talk about Bruce with him. She’s excited to see him walk across the stage in a few days.

Bruce graduates and Natasha is there for him, giving him a big hug after the ceremony is over. He kisses her and Natasha feels that everything is right again. 

It is, for a year. They break up after Natasha falls back into her old habits. It’s annoying and it’s like the end of high school all over again. Bruce hasn’t changed much. Neither has Natasha. They go on and off for a year, but eventually, Bruce finds someone while they’re off.

“I’m sorry,” Bruce says, as he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I really like her. She and I have a lot in common.”

Betty Ross is perfect for Bruce. He met her at work and from what Natasha’s heard, she knows that they’re a great match. Her heart churns, knowing that she and Bruce are now over. They’ve been playing this game since they were sixteen years old. Now, they’re twenty-three and they’ve dragged their relationship on much longer than it should’ve.

“I understand,” Natasha says, truthfully. “We had a good run, but… all good things come to an end.”

“I hope we can stay friends,” Bruce says, as he hugs her. “You mean a lot to me, Tasha, and I really do want nothing but the best for you.”

Natasha nods as she hugs him back. “Of course, Bruce.” 

And that’s the end of it. It’s hard and she doesn’t really know how to deal with this. Wanda warned her years ago that she had to figure out her whole Bruce situation. Natasha thought she did, but she never truly did it to the extent that she should have. 

She’s stuck again. 

Her relationships with her friends are weakening with them being busy with their own lives and relationships. And after her relationship with Bruce failed for the millionth time, Natasha decides to run away like usual and she thinks that she’s probably addicted to hurting herself. Probably because she loves the way she self medicates. 

She caves and follows her regular routine. Steve picks up on the first ring and she’s grateful that his number hasn’t changed. This is the first time they’ve talked at all in almost two years. She had seen him a few times during the past two years, but they never talked. He was doing his thing. She was doing hers. It was good for them both. 

“Where are you?” She asks. 

She hears him sigh on the other end of the line. She wishes she could stop disappointing absolutely everyone. Especially Steve. 

She’s surprised when he says that he’s in Moscow. He’s in Russia, the country that she’s from. She gets on the first flight and prepares herself to return to her true home and to see Steve again. It’s been so long since they were together.

He hasn’t shaved in a while so he has some stubble on his chin, but he still looks so handsome that Natasha is weak at her knees. 

“Hi,” she says, breathlessly, when she arrives at his hotel room.

“Hi yourself,” Steve says, as he lets her in. “Would you like something to drink?”

Natasha nods. “Give me your best stuff. Do you have any cocaine?” She’s being so forward and she inwardly cringes.

“No,” Steve says, “but I can get some for you.”

“I’d like that,” Natasha says, as he prepares a glass of vodka cran for her. He finds her some cocaine too. She snorts some lines, he only snorts one. 

The night starts there and they spend two weeks in Russia. They spend time in Moscow and then go to St. Petersburg, Sochi, and her hometown in Volgograd (formerly Stalingrad). They drink the finest Russian vodka, her more than him, and lose themselves in the clubs. They have sex every night and Natasha is relieved to know that he’s always there to be her distraction.

Steve has gotten into art and he shows her all the paintings that he’s been working on. They’re all gorgeous. He promises to paint her eventually, but he’s busy finishing up a painting of the Moscow Kremlin.

He also takes her to the ballet and Natasha is excited, since she had done ballet a long, long time ago. It brings back memories of her innocent childhood. She’s enjoying so much of her time with him. 

But it’s in her hometown that Steve finally asks her to explain why she’s here. 

“So, what’s up?” Steve asks as he settles next to her in the bed.

Natasha takes a long sip of her drink and tells him everything. She doesn’t leave out a single detail and Steve listens, paying close attention as she pours her heart and soul out.

He sighs when she finishes and says, “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Me and Bruce were never meant to last,” Natasha says with a shrug.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks, looking genuinely concerned.

“I guess,” Natasha replies, “I’ll be totally fine soon enough. I just needed an escape.”

“So you came here,” Steve says. “I know Russia’s your home but you came here, to me. It’s been a long time since we were last together.”

“It’s complicated,” Natasha says, “You’re the only one who’ll understand why I’m running.”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “You’re leaving New York?”

Natasha nods. “Yeah. After I leave Russia, I’m going back to New York to get some things and I’m getting the hell out of there. We can snort some lines together before I go, but I am getting the hell away and—”

“Why are you like this? When is this gonna end?” Steve interrupts her.

Natasha frowns as she meets his glance. “ _What?_ ”

“You found yourself, Natasha. You got better. Why are you running on instinct right when something doesn’t go right? Why are you throwing away everything you’ve done for yourself?” Steve asks and he sounds disappointed.

“That’s not _fair_ ,” Natasha insists, shaking her head. “It’s not that easy.”

“Since when are you all about what’s fair and not fair? And how come you only make it harder for yourself?” Steve keeps going and it makes Natasha feel like she’s losing her mind. 

She sighs and sets her glass down on the nightstand. “Steve, please. I just don’t know—”

“You don’t know how to be yourself,” Steve interrupts her again. “I have to be there to pick up the pieces. Does Wanda or Pietro or Clint or Maria or anybody but me actually see this side of you?”

Natasha swallows her breath, giving her a few seconds to stall, before she replies, “I like that you’re always there for me. You're like my bad habit.”

That was probably the wrong thing to say.

“You’re here right now because the only thing you know how to do is run and you chose to run to me because you know I will _always_ put up with your bullshit no matter how repetitive it gets,” Steve says and the words hurt.

Natasha's chest tightens and she gulps. Looking away from his handsome face, she murmurs, “You used to love running with me. It was always an adventure for us.”

Steve smiles, but it’s a sad one because there’s no look of happiness in his eyes. “I just love _you_ , beautiful.”

Natasha doesn’t know what to say and he’s the one who initiates what happens next. He tells her that he’s going to pick up some breakfast from the small market across the street from the hotel.

He kisses her, but from the look on his face, Natasha knows that he knows she won’t be in the room when he returns. And he’s right. 

She’s gone. 

Natasha gives updates to her friends who are all worried about what she’s been up to since she and Bruce broke up. They know how much of an effect it has on her. She doesn’t tell them that she was with Steve. She tells them that she went back to Russia to spend some time in her home country. They understand that, to her utter relief.

It’s three weeks later when Natasha decides that she’s a trainwreck. It’s also when she finds out that she’s _pregnant_.

Natasha’s been vomiting in the bathroom of her hotel room in Lisbon. She had assumed that it was just all the alcohol and drugs coming back to bite her in the ass. She actually didn’t party, drink or do drugs after fleeing from Russia. Steve’s word hurt her and she didn’t want to just self medicate as always.

She decided to detox in Lisbon, a place she had never been to and try to figure out her next steps. 

She’s pregnant. She’s having a baby. _Steve’s_ baby.

She has no idea what to do. She sees a doctor, the best that the Portuguese can offer, and it’s confirmed. She doesn’t know what to think. 

Natasha knows she can either go back to New York for her friends or she can try to find Steve. She doesn’t know which one is easier. 

Eventually, a week later, she decides that Steve is one person and her friends are many and even though Steve is the father and that conversation will be harder, she'd rather deal with only one person.

She knows that she shouldn't call Steve because he'll probably shut her down. She calls Bucky and asks if he knows where his best friend is.

Bucky is hesitant to tell her and she suspects that he knows about what happened between them. She's grateful that he didn't tell Wanda. 

"Bucky, _please_ ," Natasha pleads with him. "It's important."

Bucky sighs on the phone. "He's in Berlin. The Ritz Carlton."

And Natasha is on the first flight out. She's thankful he's not too far because she's too anxious.

She asks the hotel clerk which room Steve Rogers is in and she almost loses her mind at how annoying the lady is being. Does Natasha look like some serial killer? Eventually, she gets the lady to talk and Natasha is up the elevator and she's nervous as fuck.

She knows on the door and her breathing gets heavier as she hears footsteps.

The door opens and she sees Steve who looks surprised to see her there. He doesn't say anything. He just stares at her in disbelief. 

"Can I come in?" She asks.

Steve purses his lips for a moment and then nods. He moves aside to let her come in, but he still doesn't speak. He doesn't ask her how she knows where he is.

"We have to talk," Natasha says. "I know I left and I know I always leave before we can talk, but we really have to—"

Steve interrupts her. "We're too old to be playing this game with each other, Nat. I don't want to go back and forth with you anymore. It was fun when we were younger, but we gotta give this up."

"Steve, _please_."

He shakes his head. "No. I told you how I felt. I told you I loved you so many times throughout the past few years and you took it as a joke. You only came to me when you needed a distraction and guess what? I’m not gonna be your bad habit, Natasha. Not anymore. Find someone else to do your dirty business with.”

“It’s not like that, Steve. This isn’t easy at all.” Natasha's voice starts to raise as she becomes more frustrated.

“And why’s that?”

 _God_ , she wants to wipe that look off his face. 

Natasha takes a deep breath and says, “Because I’m pregnant and you’re the only person I can go to. It’s _yours_.”


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a lot slower than the last one so there's a lot more dialogue and details. hope you all enjoy!

Natasha sighs when she sees Steve’s eyes widen. He doesn’t say anything, but his mouth is slightly agape and he freezes.

She slips past him and takes a seat on the edge of the bed. “Say something… _please_.”

Steve gulps. “You’re pregnant.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“Yes.” Natasha nods. 

Steve swallows his breath as he leans against the wall. “And it’s mine? You’re sure about that?”

Natasha narrows her eyes at him. “ _Of course_. What are you insinuating?”

Steve crosses his arms. “ _Nothing_.”

“ _Steve_ —”

“You and I don’t have a good track record. We just hooked up every now and then, no strings attached, so forgive me for having doubts.”

Natasha knows that he has some right to be doubtful. Their relationship hadn’t been built on trust or real feelings. It had been based on desire and distraction. “I know that, but I’m not mistaken. It’s _yours_. I went to a doctor in Lisbon and I’m almost a month along. You were the last person I slept with.”

Steve rubs his lips together as he slowly inches towards her. “You’re not messing with me? Because this isn’t funny, Natasha.”

“Steve, don’t be stupid,” Natasha says, impatiently. “This isn’t a fucking _joke_.” She turns away from him. “If you’re just going to be an _asshole_ , then I’ll just le—”

Steve reaches out to her to gently touch her shoulder. “I… _Natasha_ … Do you know what you want to do?”

Natasha looks at him and sees the concern in his blue eyes. She’s been trying to stay strong for the past couple days and she doesn’t want to cry in front of him. “No,” she admits, softly. “I have no idea what I’m doing. _At all_.”

She licks her lips and says, “ _but_ … I didn’t come here to give you a burden to deal with. I came here to tell you because you, as the father, deserve to know. I don’t expect anything from you and if you want an out, I’ll give you one. I don’t want you to feel like you’re tied down to me, Steve. You can run.”

Steve inhales and lets go of her shoulder. “Do you ever think that I’m not a runner? At least… not anymore. Does it ever cross your mind that I’ve grown up?”

Natasha frowns in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You and I _always_ ran together,” Steve says, “I did it first, but then you caught on and you ended up outdoing me by a shitload. _Still_ , I am… I _was_ the only person who you could relate to because I understood why you wanted to run. I was a runner too… but that’s not me anymore, Nat. I stopped years ago.”

“You’re in a different country every time I contact you.”

“I’m not running away, though. Yes, I do travel a lot, but it’s not because I’m running away from my problems. It’s because I discovered that traveling the world is what I want to do. I still do some freelance work with my dad’s company. This is my life now. I only leave a country when my business there is done,” Steve explains.

Natasha sighs. “What are you really trying to say? Let’s stop dancing around it.”

“I’m not the guy you think I am. Not anymore,” he replies, “I’ve grown up, so don't think the worst of me.”

“Steve, I wasn’t—”

“No. I know what you meant,” Steve interjects, “but it’s okay. You came here to tell me because you felt like it’s the right thing to do. And now I’m telling you that I don’t want you to leave. Stay here, at least for tonight. It’s the right thing to ask of you, but I also really want you to stay. Okay?”

Natasha takes a deep breath and folds her hands together. “Okay.”

“Good,” Steve says, with a nod. “Do you want some tea?”

“Tea sounds good.”

“Okay. I’ll make you a cup. You can rest for now. We can talk later.”

Natasha knows that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not fair to him that their entire relationship has revolved around her. When they had been young and dumb teenagers, all they did was have fun and ignore rational thought. But as they had gotten older, it was still reckless fun, but it had also turned into Steve doing things for her, helping her out, and making her feel better. He had become her rock and he had taken care of her every time she came to him. She’s grateful for that, but she’s aware that their relationship is still messed up.

Steve hands her a warm cup of tea and she smiles gratefully at him. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Steve says.

Natasha takes a sip. It’s July of 2019. She and Steve have had this… connection since she was a freshman in high school almost nine years ago. It’s crazy to her to think about how much has changed since their days at Shield.

Natasha was just a young, carefree fourteen-year-old girl when she first saw a sixteen-year-old Steve. Now, she was twenty-three and she knows he turned twenty-five not long ago. Nine years. Nine _messy_ years.

She knows she’s being silent as Steve carefully observes her. She looks at him and murmurs, “I still don’t know who I am. I’ve tried all of this soul searching for five fucking years and I still haven’t found myself. I don’t know who I am.” It hurts her to say it. Admitting the truth about her failure hits hard. 

Steve reaches out to hold her hand. “I do. I know who you are, beautiful. _I know_.”

* * *

Natasha takes a nap on the bed while Steve fills out some bank statements for his dad. She’s grateful that he’s giving her some space and letting her rest. She knows they have a lot to talk about, but she’s fragile and she’s glad that he understands that.

It would be shitty of him, but Natasha knows that he has a decent excuse to run if he had wanted. She had left him every time she asked him to be with her. She had called him a bad habit to his face. He had told her truly loved her. It’s fucking with her and she doesn’t know how she and Steve are gonna be able to move on from that. 

“Are you hungry?” Steve asks her. It’s past noon, but Natasha has barely eaten all day.

Natasha nods.

“Do you want to go out or do you wanna get room service?”

“ _Hmm_ …” Natasha ponders that thought for a second. “Room service sounds nice.”

“Gotcha,” Steve says, as he hands the menu to her. “Get whatever you want. I’ll have what you have.”

He disappears into the bathroom.

Natasha settles on chicken noodle soup. She knows that if Wanda was with her, she would shame her for ordering a basic, boring soup at a five-star hotel, but she’s not in the mood for anything heavy. 

Steve comes out of the bathroom and pats his face dry. She notices that he’s growing out his facial hair and Natasha actually likes it. It suits him well.

“Does anyone else know?” Steve asks, taking a seat on one of the armchairs by the window.

Natasha adjusts her sitting position on the king-sized bed. “No. Unless you count the doctor in Portugal.”

“Do you plan on telling them any time soon?”

Natasha bites her lip. She’s not foolish enough to believe that she can keep this a secret forever. She knows that she has to tell Wanda and Clint and Tony and everyone. “I _do_ … I just don’t know how to handle all of this, Steve.”

She rubs her temple with her fingers. “I don’t have my parents anymore. I don’t have my family. I don’t have my friends anymore. I mean, yeah, I’ll always have Wanda and Clint but it’s not the same anymore. I guess that’s my fault, but I don’t really have anyone. Hell, I barely have _you_.”

“You’ll always have me, Nat,” Steve assures her. “I’m here for you. Always. Ever since high school.”

Natasha becomes distracted and notes, “You look so grown with that beard.”

“You like it?” Steve asks, immediately touching it.

“We’re not kids anymore. It fits,” Natasha replies. “We’re adults now with all this shit on our plates.”

Steve purses his lips and clears his throat. “ _Listen_. I know that you don’t know how you’re gonna go about this, but I have to ask… Do you have any idea if you’re gonna keep it or not?”

Of course, he had to change the subject. Natasha pauses. “I… I’ve thought about my options.”

“It’s your choice,” Steve says. “I mean, as the father, I’d like to have a say, but in the end, it is _your_ body, so…”

Natasha’s appreciative that he respects that. “I think I want to keep it.”

Besides the fact that she doesn’t know how to be a mother, it’s not like there’s really anything else holding her back from having a kid. She’s financially stable. She knows that if she returns to New York, she’ll have a good support system. She isn’t held down by a 9-5 job. She has all the time in the world to take care of a baby.

She just doesn’t know how to be a good mother. Anna Romanoff was definitely not the perfect mother. She wasn’t a shitty mother, either, but Natasha doesn’t want to be an _okay_ mother. She wants to be a great mother. It’s just that she doesn’t have many people to look up to for that. 

Natasha is well aware of how fucked up she is. She can’t even control herself. How can she take care of a child? 

“ _But_ …” Natasha adds, “I don’t know if I’m capable of being a mother. I’m a mess.”

“No one’s born a natural nurturer,” Steve says, “Everyone has to learn.”

“I just don’t want this baby to grow up living the life I did,” Natasha says, “I mean… I know I’m lucky. I have more money than I need and I’ve barely worked for it. I don’t work hard at all yet I reap all the benefits. I’m selfish. I live a selfish, privileged life. I know that being born into a wealthy family isn’t my fault but the way I took advantage of it is horrible. I don’t want this baby to go down the same path. I don’t want him or her to become self-destructive like me. I don’t want to impact him or her like that.”

Steve stands up and walks over to her. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into his chest. “ _Natasha_ … I know this is hard, but you have to trust that you can better yourself. You can do it. I’ll be here every step of the way if you let me.”

Natasha looks up with him, wrinkling her nose. “You should hate me.”

“ _Hate_ you?” Steve frowns, letting her go. “Why would I hate you?”

“I always left in the morning. I called you my bad habit. I would always ask you to be with me and that was selfish of me. I—”

“I don’t hate you,” Steve assures her. “You frustrate me, _yes_ , and you’ve driven me insane since Budapest, but I’ve never hated you.”

Natasha moves so that she can lean on the headboard of the bed. “You should, though. I know that dealing with me isn’t easy at all.”

Steve sits beside her, rubbing her knees with his hand, comfortingly. “You’re right. You’re not easy at all. But you know that I love you. I really hope you know that by now.”

“I know,” Natasha says, quietly.

And it fucking sucks. 

She’s not in love with Steve. When she was sixteen, she had briefly thought she might be, but she knows that it wasn’t true love. She was just a foolish teenager who liked the idea of him.

And although Steve hasn’t declared that he’s in love with her, she knows he loves her enough that he very well maybe. She, on the other hand, _does_ love Steve. He’s a great guy and a great friend, but she’s not in love with him. Whatever she feels for him is nowhere near as strong as what he feels for her. 

That’s one of the things she likes most about him. During the past nine years, it had been easy for Natasha to hang out with Steve, knowing that she wasn’t going to succumb to annoying feelings that she didn’t want to deal with it.

Steve has always been easy to be with, unlike Bruce. Natasha had actually been in love with Bruce so being with him had been more difficult. She had been stuck dealing with feelings that made her feel uncomfortable.

And when it came to Steve, Natasha had always thought that if anything were to really happen between her and Steve, it would never last. She just appreciated that she had him for the moments that she wanted him, even if they were all short-lived. 

But her meeting with him now isn’t gonna be like that. It’s never gonna be short-lived again because she’s going to have a baby with him. It changes the course of everything. It changes too fast and she’s not sure if she can keep up.

* * *

They develop a routine that works for a week. Steve insists on getting a new room in the hotel so that Natasha can have her own bed, but she shoots that idea down. She doesn’t want to sleep alone and would rather have the comfort of his arms around her.

She knows it’s a bit selfish but he doesn’t seem to mind crawling into bed with her every night, kissing her forehead goodnight. He touches her stomach every now and then, even though there’s no visible bump yet.

During the days, he talks to his father on the phone and works at the desk while Natasha does research into everything that goes into being a mother.

When she becomes (obviously and predictably) overwhelmed, Steve stops what he’s doing and suggests they grab a bite to eat. 

Sometimes they venture around the city and Natasha surprises him by showing off her fluent German speaking skills. 

When nightfall comes, they go to expensive restaurants and take walks around the city. They take it slow, though, because even though Natasha is only a month pregnant, they still want to be careful.

As for conversations, Natasha believes it’s going well. She and Steve try to avoid talking about their past relationships and if they do mention it, it’s at the bare minimum level. They mostly talk about the plan for the birth and what happens afterward. They agree on joint physical custody. 

When they’re not talking about the baby, they talk about trivial little things like favorite movies that have come out recently and books. Sometimes, they even spend some time practicing their German. 

It’s been seven days since Natasha arrived in Berlin and she’s in the middle of teaching Steve German curse words when he rolls onto his back on the bed and says, “You know… eventually, we’re gonna have to go back to New York.”

Natasha pauses, folding her hands together. She knows he’s right and this conversation was bound to happen eventually, but she still can’t help but to feel dejected at the truth. “I know. I have to tell my friends. You need to tell your parents.”

She pauses, “How are your parents going to react?”

“Good question,” Steve says, resting his head behind his outstretched hands. “I’ve been thinking about that a little. In all honesty, they probably won’t care.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “You’re the only heir to the Rogers fortune and you’re not acting like one at all. Not to mention you’re not even, like, living in New York and working directly there. Do you _really_ think they’ll be even more lenient than they already have been on you?”

Steve tilts his head and the ends of his lips curl into a small smirk. “I may not be like Tony carrying on the legacy of Stark Industries or like Bucky and Sam making their way up Wilson-Barnes Consolidated’s real estate empire, but I’m high above the ground in my father’s banking firm. I just like to mix work and pleasure.”

“And your point is?” Natasha cocks her head as well.

“My parents know I’m still a responsible person. Like I said before, I’ve moved on from my time as a reckless, drug-abusing runner. I work but I’m also a nomad,” Steve explains. “And they’ve accepted that. They know that I’m a bit unconventional, but I’m not doing anything wrong anymore.”

But Natasha was. “So, then, how are they gonna feel about you having a baby out of wedlock? A baby with _Natasha Romanoff?_ ”

Natasha isn’t stupid. She knows that people talk about her back in New York. She knows that her old classmates gossip about her for being a fucking _mess_. She knows that the rich parents all use her as an example of bad behaving socialite. The stories of her being a runaway and a reckless mess are infamous in Manhattan. 

The Rogers family, compared to most, were more traditional and laidback. They just so happened to have a black sheep of a son during his teenage years, but now, it seemed that Steve had successfully transitioned into socialite life.

But she hadn’t. When her parents died four years ago, she knew that people doubted that she could keep the Romanoff name strong in New York. People didn’t believe that some wild, twenty-something-year-old could keep the Romanoff family name alive.

They had been correct. Her parents had worked in the trading industry. Natasha has never held any interest in following their footsteps. She still keeps track of her family stocks, but she doesn’t actively try to advance her family’s empire.

She’s not like her friends. Wanda and Pietro are rising in the ranks of Maximoff Enterprises, making their way up their family’s manufacturing company. Clint’s getting ready to take his father’s place in Barton Publishing. They have success ahead of them. Natasha, on the other hand, has no idea what’s ahead for her. 

“They’ll raise an eyebrow, but they’re not going to freak out,” Steve says. 

Natasha narrows her eyes at him, accusingly.

“This may come as news, but my parents have stopped being uptight in recent years. They know that I’ll always have my little surprises,” Steve adds.

“A living human being is not really a ‘little’ surprise, Steve.”

“They’re both too engrossed with their work to really care,” Steve insists. “Besides, why does it matter so much what my parents think? They’re my parents. As long as I’m not plunging their empire down the toilet, they’re fine.”

Natasha shrugs. “I don’t know. Your parents are the only grandparents that our kid’s gonna have.”

“That’s true,” Steve says, as he shifts his position, propping his head under his arm and laying on his side to face her. “But don’t worry about it. _Seriously_. There are much more important things to think about. Like are we gonna get on a plane in a few hours to New York?”

Natasha raises a brow. “Did you already book tickets?”

“Well, of course. Pack your stuff. We’re leaving in thirty minutes.”

She looks at him in disbelief. “You’re unbelievable.”

“What can I say?” Steve says, with a chuckle. “Bad habit or not, they die hard.”

Natasha throws a pillow at him.

* * *

The journey to New York is a smooth one, much to Natasha’s relief. They land in JFK and Steve has a driver take them to the Maximoff townhouse. They had decided that they’d go see his parents later. It’s easier for them to share the news with their friends. 

The Maximoff twins are hosting a dinner party with their friends when Steve knocks on the door. 

Pietro answers and is shocked to see Natasha, but really shocked to see Steve. “How long’s it been, Rogers? I can’t remember the last time you were in town.”

“Almost three years,” Steve replies, patting him on the back, “Tony and Pepper’s wedding.”

“Oh, that was _ages_ ago,” Pietro guffaws, as he leads them into the large townhouse. “Hey, you guys! Look who’s here!”

Wanda’s eyes widen when she sees her best friend. Bucky’s jaw drops when he sees his best friend.

There are a lot of greetings and hugs as everyone circles around Steve and Natasha. Natasha watches as Steve kisses Sharon’s cheek and asks her how she’s doing. She turns around. 

“I know it’s only been two months, but I thought you were gonna be gone for at least four more,” Clint says, as he pulls Natasha into a hug. “It’s good to see you, Nat. Limited as those times are.”

“You too, Clint,” Natasha says, genuinely. 

The Maximoff butler, von Strucker, sets a place for Natasha and Steve at the table. 

“Steve Rogers,” Thor says, after a loud laugh. “I thought it’d be another, I don’t know, _five_ years before you stepped foot into New York.”

“Plans change,” Steve says, holding his glass out as Tony pours wine into it. “But I’m happy to back.”

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Will you actually be staying or do we have to fork over a grand every time we want to see you?”

“I’m not sure yet. Depends on what this one wants,” Steve says, gesturing to Natasha.

Natasha looks at him and fights the urge to roll her eyes. She notices from the corner of her eye that Wanda is looking at the two of them suspiciously.

“Are you following Natasha on her ‘find myself’ journey?” Maria asks as she slices through her filet mignon.

“No. I just ran into her in Berlin and we decided to surprise you guys,” Steve answers.

Natasha looks up and sees that Bucky is looking at her, equally as curious as Wanda. She knows that he knows that she and Steve didn’t just “run into each other”.

“Ah, so playing your old games,” Jane says. “Things never change.” She winks at Natasha. 

“Actually, we’re not,” Natasha speaks up. She chuckles. “To everyone’s surprise, I know.”

Pepper raises an eyebrow. “So, then what is this? Because I’m guessing you two are gonna go home with each other.”

“TBD,” Steve says, before taking a sip of his wine. “But enough about us. What’s been going on here?”

Tony immediately answers and starts going on and on about how Stark Industries is flourishing under his and Pepper’s leadership. Everyone chimes in with their own success stories. Even Steve contributes with anecdotes about his banking investments.

Natasha’s glad to hear the stories and she’s proud of them all, but part of her feels like a failure. Unaccomplished, even. She doesn’t talk too much during dinner. She opts to listen.

“So, where have you been off to in the past, like, six weeks?” Loki asks Natasha.

Natasha looks up from her glass of water. “Me?”

“Well, _duh_ ,” Loki snorts in amusement. “You’re Manhattan’s mystery girl.”

Natasha lets out a chuckle. She sets down her fork and knife. “ _Well_ … after I left New York, I went to Russia for a couple of weeks. Went home, you know. And then I spent some time in Portugal. Pretty cool place. And then I went to Germany and ended up finding Steve.”

“Steve, weren’t you in Russia a little over a month ago?” Bucky raises an eyebrow.

Natasha tenses. She senses Steve tensing next to her.

“I… I _was_ ,” Steve says. “I had some work in Moscow.”

Wanda tilts her head. “If only you had seen Natasha… she knows a lot of great spots there.”

Natasha sighs. She doesn't want to do this. She decides to just spit it out and get it out there.

Steve opens his mouth to say something, but she interrupts him. “I’m _pregnant_. It’s Steve’s.” 

Before anyone can say anything or react in any way, she gets up from her chair and disappears into the foyer of the townhouse.

Steve sits there, bewildered and surprised. He didn’t know how exactly he and Natasha were gonna share the news, but he definitely didn’t expect it would go like that.

“She’s pregnant?” Clint asks. “Is she _really?_ ”

Steve sighs and rubs his temple. “Yes.”

“How far along is she?” Pepper asks.

“About five weeks,” Steve answers as he gets up. “I’ll go talk to her.” 

He goes in the direction that Natasha had, leaving their silent friends at the dinner table.

“Nat?” Steve calls out to her from a dozen feet behind her. “Are you alright?”

“I’m a _failure_ ,” Natasha says, not bothering to turn around. “They’re all so successful and perfect and I’m just… I’m _lost_. I still don’t know what I’ve been searching for during these past five years. I’m pregnant and you and I don’t even have a stable relationship. Everyone knows I’m a mess.”

Steve inhales and carefully turns her around by her shoulder. “Natasha, look at me. You’re _not_ a failure. You’ve had a lot of bumps in the road, but don’t think of yourself as a failure.” He pauses for a moment and continues, “I know that it’s hard. I know that the difference between your life and theirs is staggering, but don’t be hard on yourself. You’re _strong_. We all know you are.”

Natasha sighs. “Why are you being so nice to me? You’ve put up with my bullshit every time we were together since Budapest. I know you love me, but you’re being too patient with me. You don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore, Steve. I know that deep down, you’re angry with me. Just let it out. Don’t hold it in.”

“You’re right,” he deduces, “but now is not the time for me to let loose in my feelings.”

“It should be,” Natasha insists, “because we’re gonna have a _baby_ in nine months. You can’t hold back forever.”

Steve reaches out and caresses her cheek. “The anger and frustration I feel aren’t strong enough for me to hate you. I can keep it in. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Natasha shakes her head. “That isn’t healthy, Steve.”

“We’re not perfect, Nat. We never were. Who knows if we ever will be,” Steve says, “If we keep dwelling on everything negative, we’ll never be able to get out of that.”

Sometimes she misses when she was just a careless child at age fourteen. She had still been wild and crazy back then, but her eyes had been doe-like and she had a view of the world that was positive and not clouded by the tough reality of life. 

She misses the time when she was just a kid. When Steve was just the hot upperclassmen. They’re different people now. He’s no longer seventeen. She’s not longer sixteen. They’ve been going through so much since the first time they slept together at his graduation party.

Now, they’re just a mess of a pair, stumbling through life towards a future that was cloudy and unpredictable. 

“I’m sorry,” Natasha murmurs.  
  
“Don’t be. It’s okay—”

“ _Natasha?_ ” 

They both turn to see Wanda standing there, with a concerned expression on her face. “Are you okay?”

Natasha regains her composure. “Yeah. I just… I just needed a minute.”

Wanda glances at Steve. “Do you mind if she and I have a minute?”

Steve looks at Natasha, who nods. “No, go ahead. Of course.” He plants a kiss on her forehead and returns to the dining room.

Wanda uncrosses her arms and walks over to Natasha, immediately hugging her. “Natasha. _Oh my God_.”

Natasha melts in her longtime best friend’s embrace. It’s familiar and it’s comforting. “ _Wanda_.”

“You’re pregnant,” Wanda says in awe when they let go of each other. “You’re having a _baby_. I…” She pauses. “Is that… is that good news?” Wanda is well aware that Natasha and Steve aren’t in a formal relationship.

“I’m grateful,” Natasha replies, truthfully. “I’m keeping it. I just… it’s just _Steve_. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out.”

“Well, you two are gonna have a beautiful baby, that’s for sure. Your genes and his genes… _Quite_ the product,” Wanda says, with a giggle.

Natasha couldn’t help but to also giggle.

“Do you know what you’re gonna do?” Wanda asks.

“Again, it’s just Steve. I don’t know yet. We have to figure it out. All we know is that we’re gonna have the baby in New York and share custody,” Natasha replies. She knows there’s far more she needs to discuss with Steve but they just haven’t been able to get to that.

Wanda grabs her hands. “Does this mean you’re permanently moving back to New York? Nat, _please_ say you are. We all miss you.”

Natasha sighs. “I’m not done with my journey, Wanda.”

“It’s been five years,” Wanda says, with an incredulous expression on her face. “And you’re now pregnant. I think that’s a journey that’s over.”

“It’s not that easy,” Natasha shakes her head. “This journey hasn’t ended. It didn’t end when I decided to get into philanthropy. It didn’t end when Bruce and I reconnected. And it’s not over now.”

“Nat, your baby is not like… an _obstacle_. It’s a permanent part of your life,” Wanda says, trying to reason with her. “Your journey has led you to motherhood. This is where you’re supposed to be. In New York. With your baby. With Steve. With all of us. This is your _home_.” She lets go of her hands.

Natasha runs a hand through her hair. “It _was_. I still can’t decide if it is.”

“You _always_ leave,” Wanda says, sadly. “I don’t understand why. Every time you leave, you become dissatisfied with where you end up and you just continue hopping around the world, but after all this time, you’ve never found a new home. Even Moscow didn’t cut it for you. When are you going to realize that New York City is your home?” 

Natasha swallows her breath. “I know. I struggle to try to understand that too.”

Wanda says, “I’ve always wondered why you weren’t normal. You were always this enigma, this free spirit that I loved, but also couldn’t understand.” She sighs. “ _Listen_ , Nat, I know that it’s hard to find yourself, especially when you’ve grown up having everything dictated by your parents. But… I just want you to understand that all of us here love you. We miss you. We miss having you around. We’re your family and we will all always be your family. We’ll always be here for you. So _please_ … please stay home.”

“I want to be home,” Natasha admits, “if this is home.”

“It _is_ ,” Wanda insists. “This is where you belong. With us. We’ll make sure you stay clean. We’ll make sure you don’t lose yourself. Steve will ensure all of that too. He’s clean now, after all.”

Natasha frowns. “Wait, _what?_ ”

“Steve’s clean?” Wanda repeats herself. 

“He’s not an addict?” 

“Natasha, what? What are you talking about?”

“Steve and I always partied when we were together. We did drugs. We drank. We were a mess. He did all that with me every time I saw him. He literally did a line with me when we were in Russia,” Natasha explains. “How long has he been clean?”

Wanda suddenly has a painted expression on her face. “ _Natasha_ … Steve started working towards getting clean for almost six years. Since after Budapest. He’s been clean but he… he does briefly relapse every now and then.”

“ _What?_ ” Natasha feels her stomach churn. “Six years? Every time I was with him, he always…. _No_. _Oh my God_.” She shakes her head.

Steve was the worst mess up until Budapest. He had tried to get clean and he did, but he always relapsed when he was with Natasha. She couldn’t believe it. How could she do that to Steve? How could Steve not tell her?

“He’s in love with you,” Wanda concludes. “That’s why he did it with you.”

And suddenly she sees flashes of the indecision on Steve’s face every time she prepared a line for him. She remembers his fists clenching as he stared at the powder. She remembers his hesitancy to drink more than one glass and the way he preferred to stay near the exit at the parties. 

“ _Oh my God_ ,” Natasha says, as she begins to pace. “If I had known… I never… I _never_ would have had him come with me. Wanda, he could have relapsed so badly because of me. He could have…”

“He’s in love with you,” Wanda repeats. “Natasha, don’t you understand? Steve’s been in love with you for years. He just wants to do what he can, even during your brief flings, to make you happy.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Natasha asks her, accusingly. “I should have known he was trying to be clean.”

Wanda sighs. “He didn’t want any of us to tell you. _Believe me_. I have debated this with Bucky so many times, but we always come to the same conclusion. Steve has control over his life. You don’t. We can trust that Steve knows his limits.”

“That’s _bullshit_ ,” Natasha says in disbelief.

“Steve said it was fine because your meetings became sporadic. He said that he had it all handled,” Wanda adds. “Natasha, you don’t get it. You just don’t understand how difficult everything is. There’s no easy option when it comes to stuff like this. We worry about Steve, but we also worry about you.”

Natasha’s chest tightens. She knows that Wanda has a point. Nothing is easy anymore. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Wanda says, pulling her into a hug again. “Just come back to the table and we can all talk it out. Okay?”

Natasha hesitates and then nods. “Okay.”

* * *

Steve returns to the dinner table and sees that everybody is awkwardly picking at their food in silence.

“What’s gonna happen?” Tony asks when Steve takes his seat again.

“We’re still trying to figure that out,” Steve admits.

“Do you know anything about what you’re going to do?” Pietro asks.

Steve takes a deep breath. “She’s going to have the baby in New York. We’ll have joint custody. That’s about it.”

Sharon raises a brow. “You two aren’t gonna be together?”

“It’s not that easy,” Steve says, “Our track record doesn’t show much promise for our future.”

“But it’s different now,” Loki says, “You two are having a _baby_.”

“I’m not going to force her to be with me just because we’re having a kid together,” Steve says, shaking his head. “I’m in love with her. She’s not in love with me.”

Bucky sighs. “You two were always such a headache-causing pair, but… _Steve_ , you’re her go-to person whenever she needs someone.”

“She called me her bad habit,” Steve says, “I know she loves me, but it’s just as a friend. I’m her shoulder to cry on. I’m the person she goes to because I’m willing to go to any length to make her happy.”

“She may not be in love with you, but her love for you is still strong,” Maria says. “It’s always you for her.”

Steve rubs his lips. “Maybe, but that’s not something we need to get into. We still need to tell my parents tomorrow. We need a plan.”

“You two have been playing this game for _nine_ fucking years, Steve,” Sam says, “You can’t push back a real conversation about your feelings again.”

“I’ve told her how I felt several times. I’ve tried to have this conversation with her, but she ran every time,” Steve says. “It’s not a good subject.”

“Well, she’s not going to run again,” Thor says. “She’s pregnant and she won’t do this alone. Now is the time to talk to her.”

“She’s filled with surprises, though.” Steve takes a sip of his wine. 

Jane speaks up, “Maybe you should talk to Bruce. Ask him for his advice. Natasha was in love with him.”

Steve tenses. “I don’t think Natasha would want me to do that.”

“Ask her.” Jane shrugs.

“I’ll figure something out, but I hope all of you understand that this most likely won’t go the way that you all want it to. If it’s been nine years of this, who says it’s gonna end?” Steve crosses his arms.

Pepper sighs, loudly. “I hate you both. Why can’t you two just be _normal?_ ”

Steve snorts. “I ask myself that all the time.”

Everyone starts to give suggestions to Steve on what to do until Wanda and Natasha return to the table.

Natasha and Steve exchange a glance. She smiles at him.

“I know that, uh, now might be a really weird time to announce this,” Sam says, “but, _uh_ … Maria and I are _engaged_.”

Simultaneously, everyone turns to the couple and exclaims, “ _What?!_ ”

Soon enough, the night ends and everyone gives Natasha a tight hug. She’s appreciative of them and Steve leads her into a taxi to her penthouse. 

It’s not a long distance from the Maximoff townhouse, but the traffic is atrocious so Natasha stares out the window and admires the beautiful Manhattan skyline. 

Natasha doesn’t speak to Steve, but he doesn’t try to initiate a conversation either. It’s weird to think about how things are. She knows her thoughts are like broken records, but it’s not like she has much else to think about.

Younger Natasha wanted to rebel against the whole world and danced on Steve because she didn’t have a care in the world. Younger Natasha didn’t like to think about the reality of life. 

Older Natasha knows better. Older Natasha just doesn’t act better. 

Steve is different. Younger Steve was like a firecracker and Natasha _never_ had the sense to avoid anything that had sparks and flashed lights.

Younger Steve was everything Younger Natasha had become. Older Steve was everything that Older Natasha wanted to become.

He grabs her hand when they make it to her building and in the elevator, he stands next to her quietly. He looks like he wants to say something, but he seems to be waiting until they get into her penthouse.

“You should get some rest,” Steve says. “It’s been a long day.”

“You too,” Natasha says. “It’s like 4 AM in Berlin now.”

Steve chuckles, as he reaches into his travel bag and pulls out a large map of the world. “Yeah. I’ll just crash on the couch if that’s fine with you?”

Natasha knows that he’s holding back and she understands, but she shakes her head. “You’re sleeping with me. My bed’s big enough for the both of us.”

“Are you sure?” Steve asks as he pulls out a red marker from his bag.

“Of course. I don’t want to be alone,” Natasha says. She walks over to him and looks at the map. “What is this?”

The map doesn’t have any labels, just outlines of the countries in the world. Some of the countries are colored in yellow. Others are colored in red.

“The yellow,” Steve says, slowly, “are all the countries that I’ve been too.”

Natasha frowns and points to the United States. “But America’s red.”

“The red are all the countries that you and I have been together,” Steve answers, “whether it’s just the two of us or us with other people too.” He uncaps the marker and colors in Germany. “Another one for the map.”

Natasha doesn’t know what to say. It’s a strange, but sweet gesture. He enjoys his time with her, so he keeps track of where they have been together. “That’s really cool… but there’s zero red in Africa. That’s kind of sad. Clint told me that South Africa is beautiful.”

“Bucky’s said that too,” Steve says, “but not while you’re in this condition and not for a while until the baby is born.”

“Of course,” Natasha says and she suddenly remembers her conversation with Wanda. 

Steve caps the marker and looks at her. “Well, Natasha—”

“We need to talk about something important. Not about the baby, but still as important. I’m too tired to do it now, but I just wanted to tell you now… We _really_ have to talk tomorrow,” Natasha interrupts him.

Steve looks concerned. “Is everything okay?”

Natasha answers, “It’s not about me, but it’s serious.” She sighs. “We’ll talk tomorrow. Alright?”

Steve hesitates but then nods. “Alright.” He grabs her hand. “Come on. Let’s sleep.”

* * *

Natasha wakes up to the smell of eggs and cheese in the air. It smells good, but suddenly, she feels nauseous. She rushes to the bathroom and empties her stomach into the toilet.

“Natasha?” She hears Steve approach her a minute later. “Are you alright?”

“Morning sickness,” Natasha murmurs, weakly. “It’s supposed to start around now.”

Steve kneels next to her and pulls her hair back. “I’m sorry. I made breakfast but…”

“Give me an hour and I’ll be down for it,” Natasha says, before groaning. “ _God_. I hate vomiting.”

“I know,” Steve says, “Do you want to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN? It’ll be good to get started on that sort of stuff.” He hands her a glass of water. 

“Yes,” Natasha replies, before taking a sip, “but maybe later today.” She leans on the counter and looks at Steve. “Did you sleep well?”

Steve nods. “Pretty good. You?”

Natasha shrugs. “Just fine. I’m not uncomfortable yet at this early stage.” She pauses, “Although, I may be uncomfortable, though, when we tell your parents today.”

“You really want to do this today?” Steve asks, with a surprised look on his face.

“It’ll be like ripping a bandaid off,” Natasha says, “We might as well just get the truth out. The Manhattan elite are definitely gonna talk, but there’s nothing we can do about that.”

Steve nods. “Well, if that’s what you want.”

Natasha tuck a chunk of her hair behind her ear. “It is. After that, we can talk about what I was mentioning yesterday.”

Steve looks at her. “Yeah, of course.”

Natasha looks back at him. She takes in how handsome he looks. He’s been growing out his facial hair and although it’s not much, Natasha’s really digging it. It’s a different type of hot that he looks. His blue eyes are like the ocean and are mesmerizing.

“You look beautiful,” Steve says, breaking the brief silence.

“I just vomited,” Natasha laughs. “I’m a mess.” She takes another long gulp of her water. 

“A beautiful mess, then,” Steve corrects himself. 

“You’re too much for me,” Natasha jokes.

It’s nice to joke around and crack some smiles because by the time she and Steve arrive at the Rogers penthouse, she feels nothing but nervous. Even though Steve had assured her that it would be fine, she’s still feeling uneasy. 

“Steven, what a pleasant surprise,” Sarah says, pulling her only child into a hug. “Your father and I missed you.”

“We weren’t expecting you for a while,” Joseph says, with a stern expression on his face.

“Well, something came up,” Steve says and Natasha’s chest tightens.

Sarah turns to Natasha. “Natasha Romanoff. It’s good to see you. How are things going?”

“They’re going fine,” Natasha says and she’s really trying hard not to freak out.

Joseph raises a brow. “Are you still traveling?”

“Yes.” Natasha nods. “Although, I have decided to remain in New York for the time being. There’s a lot of things for me to handle here.”

“That’s wonderful,” Sarah says, “The city has really been missing a Romanoff presence.” She glances over at Steve. “And another Rogers presence.”

Steve speaks up. “I’ll be staying in New York for a while too, actually.”

“ _Really?_ ” Joseph suddenly sounds interested. “And what do you intend to do here?”

“Well, I suppose it’s long overdue that I actually work here. Freelancing around the world isn’t as easy as I’d like,” Steve says.

Joseph smirks and Natasha’s able to see the family resemblance. “That’s wonderful. I was wondering when you’d finally make that decision.”

“It’s great you’re settling in,” Sarah says, giving her son’s hand a squeeze. “And you, Natasha? Do you plan on getting deeper into trading or philanthropy?”

“ _Uh_ …” Natasha says. “I’m not quite sure yet. Probably both.” She looks at Steve, who gives her a quick, curt nod. “I actually… have something a lot more important to focus on for the rest of the year.”

Joseph has an inquisitive look on his face. “Do tell.”

Natasha takes a deep breath and Steve grabs her hand. “I’m pregnant.”

Immediately, Steve follows with, “She and I are having a baby together.”

Natasha realizes that Steve had been right when he said that his parents wouldn’t react much. Joseph’s brow raises even higher and Sarah’s eyes slightly widen, but other than that, they don’t react.

“Say something, you guys,” Steve says after a few seconds of silence. 

“I probably should have suspected that when you two came in together,” Sarah says, “I’ve heard stories about you two traveling around the world.”

His parents aren’t idiots. Steve hadn’t bothered to hide his wild side when he was younger. This doesn’t come as a surprise to them.

“How far along are you?” Joseph asks Natasha.

“Five to six weeks,” Natasha responds, carefully. She isn’t sure how to act. They seem calm and even though Steve had said this was gonna happen, it’s still weird to her.

“Congratulations,” Sarah says, as a smile appears on her face. “That’s _wonderful_.”

Joseph chuckles. “Do you two have a plan?”

Steve sighs. “It’s complicated.”

“Not surprised,” Joseph says, with a teasing smirk on his face, “The Romanoff family is infamous for being difficult. I imagine it’s not easy to make decisions with her.”

Natasha scoffs. 

“I’m guessing you two aren’t actually together. Am I correct?” Sarah asks.

Steve shakes his head. “We’re not.”

Joseph purses his lips and then says, “So, you’re gonna have this baby out of wedlock.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“It’s 2019,” Steve says, “We don’t have to be married or together to have this baby.”

“I’ve heard that you two have always been difficult,” Sarah says. She folds her hands together. “And now I’m seeing it.”

Steve frowns. “ _Okay?_ ”

Joseph leans back in his seat. “We’re not gonna try to force you two to have a relationship. That wouldn’t end well and honestly, most of the Manhattan elite probably won’t believe it.” He exchanges a glance with his wife and then adds, “but I do ask that you two be careful. You’ll be reentering New York society. It’s gotten tougher and tougher as time goes on. You’re gonna be introducing a new child into our society and everyone will have eyes on you two. Be _careful_.”

“You two are both adults now,” Sarah says. “We can’t control you, especially since Steve already inherited his money. We just hope you two know what you’re doing. I am disappointed in you, Steven. This is irresponsible behavior, but it’s not like you’ve been a perfect child and besides… you are gonna give me my first grandchild and since his or her mother is beautiful, I know he or she will be too.”

“Thank you,” Steve says. “ _Really_. Thank you.” 

Natasha’s grateful, too, that this is easy. She’s already stressed out enough about the pregnancy and Steve’s journey to be clean. The last thing she would have needed was to deal with hateful parents.

Sarah looks at Natasha and smiles at her. “Everything will be okay, sweetheart.”

“I hope,” Natasha says, softly. “It’s gonna be hard doing this without my parents.”

“I wish Andrei and Anna were here too,” Joseph says, “but if you’re anything like your hotheaded father, you’ll be fine.”

Natasha chuckles. “Probably.”

She and Steve leave before Sarah and Joseph can inquire about what they had been up to lately. The last thing she needs is to delve deep into all her fuck ups, even if they pretty much have a good idea of what’s been going on with them.

* * *

Natasha sits across from him in her living room and licks her lips nervously as Steve looks at her, curiously. “Steve… why didn’t you tell me that you were trying to be clean? Why didn’t you tell me that you were clean?”

Steve stiffens and Natasha sees a look of discomfort cloud his features. “ _Natasha_ —”

“Six years, Steve,” Natasha interjects, “ _Six_ whole years. We may not have spent that much time together during those six years, but still. How could you jeopardize your health like that?”

Steve sighs. “Natasha, this isn’t something we have to talk about.”

“But it _is_ ,” Natasha insists. “Steve, do you understand how it makes me feel, knowing that you could have possibly relapsed horribly because of me several times?”

She stands up and begins pacing around the glass coffee table. “I know that it’s your choice to go about it how you want, but… how could you not tell me? I basically roped you into partying hard with me every time we were together. What if you relapsed? What if you overdosed?”

“Don’t think about the what-ifs,” Steve says, standing up. “Natasha, I’m _fine_. Everything I did was my decision. I thought those decisions out carefully. Please. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Natasha shakes her head. “ _No_. No, Steve. You make this sound like it’s simple. It’s not. For six whole years after Budapest, you were working to get better. You wanted to leave your old persona behind. You wanted to get clean. You told me a long time ago that you had found yourself. You were clean. But then every time we were together, you let yourself fall back. I remember you told me that you found yourself, but it wasn’t the time to get into that. Did that mean that you weren’t willing to be 100% clean because of me? You were risking it all for _me?_ ”

“All I ever wanted—”

“I know you’re in love with me,” Natasha interrupts him. “I know damn well, but you shouldn’t have done this for six years. You should’ve told me. I would have never asked you to come along with me on my trips. I would have never asked you to party with me.”

“I understand,” Steve says, “I know it was dumb of me. I’m aware. _But_ … Natasha, no matter what, I’m always gonna be fucked up. A part of me will always be like that. That part of me is weak. Weak because of _you_.”

He steps toward her and holds her hands in his. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for six years. Ever since Budapest, even though we barely knew each other, you were an enigma and I was hooked. That’s why I always came when you called. I always listened when you wanted to talk. I was always there when you needed me.”

Natasha tenses. “Steve, _don’t_. We’re talking about your recovery.”

“They correlate.”

Natasha resists the urge to scream. “Are you really that much in love with me that you’ve been willing to risk your health for six years? Am I really that worth it to you?”

“I always promised you a party. They made you happy. They made you forget all of your problems,” Steve says, letting go of her hands. “All I wanted was for you to be happy.” He sighs. “Again, it’s fucked up. I shouldn’t have given you drugs or partied with you. That’s not how love should work, _but_ … that’s all you and I ever knew.”

He pauses and continues. “I learned a long time ago that I can’t save you. I won’t be the one who saves you. I really wanted to, though. I really wanted to be the one who solved your problems and took your demons away. But I eventually learned that I’m not the one who can do that.”

“You can’t love me that much to do that to yourself,” Natasha says in disbelief.

“ _Natasha_ , I’m so in love with you. I—”

“ _Stop_ ,” Natasha interrupts him. “ _Please_. Don’t tell me how much. Don’t tell me how it happened. I don’t want to know… at least not yet. We have to take this slow. I don’t want to rush.”

Steve nods in understanding.

Natasha takes a step toward him. “I’m gonna be clean. I mean, I already kinda am. I haven’t done anything since Russia, but I’m gonna stay clean and you’re gonna stay clean with me. I won’t let you risk everything for me again. No matter what you feel for me, your life isn’t worth the trouble.”

She hesitates before continuing, “As for trying to save me and help me, I know you can’t do it. No one in my whole life has been able to. You’ve come close, but it won’t be you.” She touches her stomach. “It’ll be the _baby_. The baby will save me. And if you let it… the baby will save you too.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, quietly. “I was reckless.”

Natasha sighs. “I am reckless. I’m forever reckless… but we’ll change. We can do it.”

Steve nods. “Of course. You’re Natasha Romanoff. You can do anything.”

“And you’re Steve Rogers,” Natasha says, “You can do anything.” She turns and walks toward the ceiling-to-floor windows. 

Steve joins her as they look out at the Manhattan skyline.

“Sometimes I wish we were in high school again. I mean, the drugs and drinking and partying were obviously bad, but… we were young and carefree,” Natasha says. “Life felt easier.”

“It’s been a long time,” Steve says. “But I think we both need to let go of who we were in the past, even if it’s hard.”

“I still haven’t found myself,” Natasha says. “You have. You can let go of the past, but I don’t know if I can.”

Steve swallows his breath. “I know who you are, Nat.”

Natasha shakes her head. “It’s only an idea of me that you know me.” She knows that Steve is probably offended by that comment, but he doesn’t argue and she’s grateful.

“Idea or not, I know that all you want in your life is stability. You’re a nostalgic person and remembering things is one of the hardest things you have to deal with,” Steve says. “Finding yourself was… is a journey that’s fucked with you for years, but the truth is that you’ve had it all. It’s just a matter of how you approach it.”

Natasha looks at him. “I never would have guessed that the Steve Rogers of the Shield School would become the next Aristotle.”

“You’re quite the flatterer, beautiful,” Steve says, as a small smile appears on his face. 

“So I’ve heard.”

“Don’t worry, Natasha. You’ll truly find and understand yourself soon. You’ll be able to let go of the past soon enough. Then, you’ll be okay,” Steve assures her.

Natasha looks at him. “Thank you.”

"You know I'm always here for you," Steve says. "Never forget that."

"I know." She nods. "I just hope you never forget that I'm difficult. I'm hard work."

" _Oh_ , I'll never forget that," Steve says, with a laugh.

Natasha chuckles. "Patience, always."

* * *

“I’m glad you’re staying in New York for a while, Nat,” Clint says, as he lays a bouquet of flowers in front of Andrei and Anna Romanoff’s graves. “We all missed you.”

“I know,” Natasha says, as she sits down on the ground in front of the headstones. “I missed you all too. It’s good to be back.”

“I really hope that you realize that New York is home. Even though you run off to places in Europe and Asia… New York is where you belong.” Clint sits next to her.

Natasha shakes her head. “Please don’t be a broken record, Clint. I’ve heard that _so_ many times.”

“It’s the truth, though,” Clint reasons with her. “You’ve never stayed anywhere else longer than, like, a _month_.”

“I’m still exploring.” Natasha shrugs. “We live in a big, big world.”

Clint raises an eyebrow. “Why did running become the best option for you? Let’s be real here. When it comes to partying and all that, it’s not like Wanda and Pietro and I and like everyone else were that much better than you. We were _all_ wild. When we fucked up, we got high and drunk and all that, but we didn’t run. Why did you run?”

“Steve used to run. It was an attractive option,” Natasha admits, as she stared off towards the grass.

“Running was better than being with your friends? You felt like you couldn’t depend on us? We’ve all known each other since we were little, Nat,” Clint says, “We’ve been through hell and back together since elementary school. When did running become a better option than talking to us? Why did you replace us?”

Natasha gulps. No one has asked her that yet. They all asked why she kept leaving and why she was always being such a mess. No one asked why she replaced her friends with running.

“You guys have all moved on with your lives. You’ve grown up. You’ve matured. You have futures to work towards,” Natasha answers. “I wouldn’t want to hold any of you back.”

“But you wouldn’t have been doing that,” Clint says. “You’re everyone’s friend. All of us are here for you. We all have our ups and downs. We don’t turn our backs because of that.”

“It’s always downs with me. Never ups,” Natasha says.

Clint sighs and looks at the sky. “You’re a special case, but you’re a special person to us all.”

Natasha takes a deep breath. “I’ve lived with regrets, Clint. I do regret a lot of the self-medicating I’ve done in the past, but that’s just who I am. It’s ingrained in me. I’m not perfect and I know that. It’s just that I do what I know.”

“If Steve introduced you to running, why don’t you follow him down his path of not running? He doesn’t do that anymore.”

“Steve’s not easy at all.”

“Because he’s in love with you?” Clint raises an eyebrow.

Natasha looks at him. “Can we talk about literally anything else but me? Like… like… _Bobbi!_ You and Bobbi! How is that going?”

Clint snorts in amusement. “ _Wow_. You’re really gonna do this.”

“Tell me how she is,” Natasha says. “Anything new happening lately? Like… a _ring?”_

“It’s too early for that, Nat,” Clint says. “I love her and I’d love to marry her, but not yet. We have plenty of time.”

“Aw, _come on_ ,” Natasha says. “Why not be like Tony and Pepper?”

“Tony and Pepper have been in love with each other since, like, _preschool_. It was just a matter of when they were actually finally going to date. They have more history than anyone,” Clint says. “So, they’re different.”

Natasha shrugs. “Well, as long as you do pop the question to her before you hit the dirty thirty than that’ll be good.”

“ _God_ , don’t talk about hitting thirty. We’re, like, in our mid-twenties now. We’re getting old.” He widens his eyes in mock horror. “We’re _aging_ , Nat.”

Natasha chortles in amusement. “How _horrifying_.”

Clint chuckles. “As long as we’re all happy.” He looks at her, with a genuine look on his face. “I want you to be happy, Nat. I _really_ do.”

“I know. I appreciate it. It’s just a matter of time.” She rests her hand on her stomach.

Clint looks at her stomach. “ _So_ … a hybrid of you and Steve Rogers. Who would have thought?” He chuckles. “The kid’s gonna be really lucky to have you as a parent.”

“I’m not motherly, Clint,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes.

“But you know what it’s like to go through hardships,” Clint reminds her, “You’ll be able to help your kid grow up.”

“I still don’t think of that as the best parenting quality.”

“No one’s perfect,” Clint says. “But I believe in you.” He gestures towards himself. “Besides, the kid will have Uncle Clint to help him or her along the way. I happen to be one of the best people in the world. Very worthy of being an idol.”

Natasha snorts. “Oh, I _bet_.”

“You’ll have me. You’ll have all of us,” Clint says. “We’re with you every step of the way. It’s necessary because you know, even though I do believe you’ll be a good mother, you’re still psycho. And Steve is just… a _specimen_. The kid’s gonna need all of us.” He laughs.

Natasha joins him in laughing, playfully punching him in the shoulder. “You really think I can do this, Clint? Motherhood?”

“Of course.” Clint nods. “I also think that you’ll be able to figure out who you want to be. And what you want with Steve.”

Natasha shrugs. “It’s hard stuff.”

“You’re Natasha fucking Romanoff. You’ll be okay.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Clint scoots closer towards the headstones. “Your parents would be proud of you, you know.”

“Of me? _Right_.”

“Okay, you’re not perfect. I know that. We all know that. They knew that. But if they were to see you right now, if they were to see how you’re going to be… they would be proud. You’re taking responsibility. You’re stepping up. You’re letting yourself grow up,” Clint says. “They would be proud of you.”

Natasha’s eyes avert to the epitaphs on the headstones. “They weren’t perfect parents. Their parenting skills definitely aren’t making me feel confident about mine but… I miss them.”

It’s been four years since her parents died. Even though she had never been particularly close to them, it still hurts every now and then. She’s often wondered how different her life would be if they were alive.

She’s never properly mourned them either, besides at the wake and funeral. She had resorted to self-medicating anytime she found herself missing them. It was the wrong thing to do, but that’s all she knew.

“It’s okay to cry, you know,” Clint says. “I know you hate crying. I’m pretty sure that we all hate crying, but it is okay to do it. You can cry now. I’m here for you.”

Natasha trembles. “ _Clint_ …”

“I just want you to know that you can be vulnerable. You can be emotional. You can do it,” Clint says. “It’s okay to cry. It’s especially okay to do it around Steve. In fact, I think you need to. You need to let your guard down and talk to him.”

“I’ve had deep talks with him before,” Natasha insists, but her voice is weak and she can feel the moisture in her eyes.

“Yeah, because you were _drunk_ ,” Clint says. “That makes you vulnerable, but not enough.” He wipes a tear that’s about to fall onto her cheek. “You have to be vulnerable. You can’t find yourself if you don’t bother to understand your feelings.”

Natasha couldn’t help it at this point. The tears were falling. She leaned on Clint’s shoulder.

“Do you want me to call Steve? He’s not far from here.” Clint wraps an arm around her.

Natasha shakes her head. “I actually want to be alone.”

“ _Natasha_ …”

“I’m not gonna lose my shit, Clint,” Natasha says, wiping a tear off her face. “I just want to cry in front of my parents. _Okay?_ ”

“... Okay, Nat… but promise me you’ll have a real conversation with Steve.”

“I will.”

Clint walks away and Natasha lets herself cry, as she thinks about her family. She has her friends and they’re family to her, but they’re not her blood family. Her blood family… they’re dead. She’s _alone_.

* * *

For eleven weeks, Natasha and Steve develop a routine that works for them. He moves into her penthouse and takes care of her when she needs it. They maintain a good friendship, mostly because they don’t talk about the past. They also don’t talk about feelings.

Natasha knows she promised Clint she would have a real conversation with Steve, but she didn’t promise when. She does have good talks with him where they are real with each other, but they have yet to have a full-on, deep conversation.

She still doesn’t think she can quite handle that yet. Knowing that Steve’s in love with her sits weirdly with her. Her naive fourteen, fifteen-year-old self loves that, but older Natasha doesn’t know how to react to that.

Still, they’re civil to each other. Natasha spends most of her time getting back into her philanthropic endeavors and nitpicking around her family’s stocks and their work in the trading industry. Steve busies himself with work. Banking is his father’s life and it’s becoming quite a big part of his as well. He still makes sure to spend enough time with Natasha to make sure she’s okay.

They’re both settling back into living in New York quite well. Natasha’s only been gone for two months so it’s not that hard, but for Steve, it’s been years. She knows it’s weird for him to be back.

Despite the fact that Steve has found himself, Natasha knows that returning to New York is still a bit on the difficult side. 

Natasha’s glad that she can actually spend a lot of face-to-face time with all of her friends. It’s great to actually have friends to talk to and she didn’t realize how much she truly missed them until she spent more and more time with them.

Wanda and the girls all read books and articles about pregnancy with her. They go shopping with her as they pick out things for the baby. They also help Maria plan out her wedding. She enjoys all this relaxing time with her friends.

Natasha’s also spent some time with Sarah and Joseph. It’s not as intimidating as she had imagined, but she’s relieved that Sarah has been really warm and kind to her. She’s been especially helpful with tips to manage morning sickness and how to balance work with pregnancy, especially in a bustling city like New York. Joseph, on the other hand, has been collaborating with Natasha with her work in the trading industry. She definitely did not expect him to be working with her on that, but she actually does enjoy learning about economics from him. 

She also really genuinely enjoys the time she spends with Steve in the penthouse. Since they avoid talking about headache-causing topics like love and the past, they spend time discussing literally anything else. Everything from sports to politics to pop culture. They even learn some things about each other through these conversations. They tell childhood stories from when alcohol wasn’t a thing on their mind.

Steve helps her redecorate the penthouse too. Although she’s been accepting of her parents’ deaths, having the exact same decor doesn’t sit well to her. Steve helps her put up some more lively decor that lights up the place.

And it’s nice to have Steve like this. They’re friends and she’s thankful for that. It makes her feel good around him and she believes that soon enough, she’ll be down to have that real conversation with him.

They’ve talked a little about life with the baby and what they’re planning on doing, but they never get too deep into it. They don’t really address their living situation, either. They’re not together. They’re not dating, but Natasha still wants Steve to live with her. She likes to have him close to her when she needs the comfort. 

She doesn’t know if that’ll continue after the baby is born, but she knows that everyone will think it’s weird if it does. People outside of her main social circle are all well aware of her pregnancy too.

She had debuted a small bump at a big Odinson/Laufeyson brunch a few weeks ago and she knows that there’s been gossip about it. She knows that her old classmates have all been speculating about it. She knows that the power couples in Manhattan have all been making snide comments about it, but she doesn’t care. She _never_ has. 

Natasha hasn’t confirmed the father’s identity and it’s not like she and Steve are making out in public, but a lot of people have speculated that it’s probably Steve. The way he protectively shields her at the brunch and well, their whole damn history supports that theory.

Bruce had found out about her pregnancy then. It was definitely an awkward conversation with Betty and Steve standing there, but he was still kind and said that he was excited for her. She had been grateful that Bruce was kind about it.

“You’ll be an amazing mother, Nat. You can do this,” Bruce had said as he and Betty held hands. “This is so exciting. I’m excited for you. You deserve such a blessing.”

It had hurt a little to see Bruce with Betty, but she knew that it was in the past. Natasha would say now that she has moved on. Considering the fact that every time she and Bruce were on a break, she ran to Steve, that had shown her that she had moved on. She’s looking forward to the new chapter in her life with the baby so she’s accepted that she’s on a new path of life. She’ll always love Bruce though. It just wasn’t meant to be. 

She has her life to live and he has his.

Natasha lays on an outstretched chair as Doctor Helen Cho puts a cold gel on her stomach. 

“You’ll see your baby in just a second,” Helen says to her and Steve, who’s resting his hand comfortingly on her shoulder. 

Natasha’s seen her baby a couple of times but she finds herself to be even more excited each time. Steve’s accompanied her to every appointment and he looks nothing less than joyful every time they see their baby on the screen.

“There’s the baby,” Helen points to the screen. “About the size of a pomegranate.”

“That’s our fruit,” Steve jokes as he stares at the screen. “ _Wow_.”

“ _Our baby_ ,” Natasha says in awe.

“You are far along enough now to know the gender if you’d like,” Helen tells them. “If you’d like to wait, that’s fine too.”

Natasha and Steve exchange a glance.

“We’d like to know,” Natasha says. It would definitely be nice to know because everyone’s been bugging her about it. They want to know what clothes to buy for the baby. 

Helen smiles. “Well, if you look at the legs, you can see there’s something in between, too. _Congratulations!_ You’re having a _boy!_ ”

Natasha's heart warms. She's having a _son_.

She looks over and sees that Steve has the widest grin on his face. “Nat, we’re having a _son!_ ” He laughs and points to the screen. “That’s our boy.”

“I’ll print out some pictures for you guys,” Helen says.

“Thank you,” Nat says as she sits up. “You know, this means we can eliminate Toni, Samantha, Jamie, Wanda, Pepper, Maria, Jane, Bobbi, Sharon, Thora, Lokina, Rhodina, Clintana, and Pietra from our list of names.”

Steve lets out an overdramatic moan. “Oh, _man_. I was really hoping we could have Thora Lokina Rhodina Clintana Pietra Rogers.”

“ _Romanoff_ -Rogers,” Natasha corrects him, narrowing her eyes at him.

“That doesn’t roll off the tongue that nicely,” Steve says, with a chuckle.

“ _Oh my God_ ,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “We’ll talk about that later.”

“Ah, yes,” Steve says, “That’s when we can try to decide between Tony, Bucky, Thor, Rhodey, Loki, Clint, Sam, Pietro, Sharondo, Janen, Mario, Peppo, and Wando. A _very_ hard decision we have to make.”

Natasha laughs. “Steve, _stop_.”

Steve laughs with her and Natasha’s relieved that they can still be this civil with each other. It definitely makes friendships awkward when one of the parties is in love with the other one. It still bugs her sometimes whenever she remembers that, but she’s grateful that Steve is understanding and mature enough to not let things get too awkward between them.

It’s nice to just have him as a friend. She and Steve had never been like this before. They met when she was fourteen and from then on, it was just recklessness with some intimacy thrown in later on. It had never been just two friends goofing around and being normal.

But they still sleep together. Pregnancy makes her hormonal and Steve’s still a man who isn’t gonna refuse a beautiful, willing woman in bed. 

Their friends have voiced questions about whether that makes things awkward and in all honesty, Natasha knows it probably does and that it’s something they’ll probably have to discuss later on, but for now, she’s just enjoying it.

Sex with Steve has always been good and he definitely satisfies her now, even with the bump and hormones. It makes her feel better.

She knows that her relationship with Steve is weird. She knows that people outside of their close circle of friends are confused as to what the hell they’re actually doing. They’re platonic, but he’s in love with her. They’re not together, but he lives with her. They’re not dating, but they have sex. They act like a couple sometimes and she knows, she understands that it’s weird. She’s well aware that they’re both still pretty messy, but she tries not to think too much about it.

She’s pretty content with how she is with Steve. She’s still not in love with him, but she does love and care for him. She’s happy with how that is.

Maybe it will end up biting her in the ass later. Natasha knows that it’s very much possible, but she also knows that she’ll forever have destructive qualities so she sets those worries aside. She’s stopped herself from running so she believes she can stop herself from worrying.

Running has crossed her mind several times, but she just couldn’t be able to do it now. Not with the baby, not with having all her friends back. 

She’s cleaning herself up. That’s all that matters. It definitely helps that she’s pregnant, but Natasha’s really trying to work this out. She wants to be better.

She wants to be able to figure out how to approach her situation with Steve in the best way possible. She knows she has to talk to him and she gets these glares from Clint every time he realizes that she has not, in fact, talked to him.

Natasha just doesn’t know how to say what needs to be said to him. She loves him. She _does_. She loves him so much. She just doesn’t think she’s in love with him. Bruce has been the only person that she’s been in love with, but she also knows that her love with him was like puppy love. He had been different from most guys she knew so it had been easy to fall for him.

It’s different with Steve because they’re so alike. She doesn’t exactly know how she would even be able to know that she was in love with Steve. Of course, she could always ask Steve how he realized he was in love with her, but that would just be a messy conversation that she didn’t want to get into.

Natasha wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted.

She knows that she doesn’t want things to be bad with Steve. She wants to make things work, especially for their son. She wishes it could be as easy as it was when she first started dating Bruce. When she first fell in love with Bruce.

But she and Steve are so messy that she isn’t entirely sure what she can do. All she knows is that she loves him and that he’s deeply in love with her. She doesn’t know how to fall in love with him. _Or_ … she doesn’t know how to realize that.

Her feelings for Steve had not changed much from when she was in high school. He had always been her bad habit. That’s all that she had ever deduced him to be during the past nine years. She had never actually thought of Steve as a person she could be with during all their times together. He had always just been her distraction.

And Natasha knows that’s horrible and selfish of her, but she’s a difficult person and she couldn’t help. She also couldn’t understand why Steve was in love with her. During their time together, she couldn’t think of what it was that drew her to him. She had always been a mess. She knew that he knew that she had basically been using him for years to deal with her shit.

Steve’s not an idiot. He knows. He’s known _forever_. She’s just too scared to ask why. She knows she’ll be scared of the answer. 

Still, she tries to slowly open herself up to Steve. They’re planning the gender reveal party together, much to Pepper’s annoyance. She had wanted to help, mainly to find out what the gender was, but Natasha had wanted to do this with Steve. She had wanted this time to bond with Steve. She thinks it’ll be good for them. 

“So, they’re gonna dye the cake batter blue,” Steve says, “and I’m guessing you want butterscotch icing?”

“Well, of course,” Natasha says. “It’s my—”

“Your _favorite_ ,” Steve says. He looks at her and winks. “Yeah, I know.”

Natasha chuckles. “You want a medal for that?”

“Nah. I’ll take something else,” he gives her a knowing look. “But I’ll be glad to take it later. We need to get these damn plans done.”

Natasha groans, as she looks at the list of decorations that she and Steve put together. She knows very well that this would’ve been much easier if they had allowed Pepper to help, but they both want this to be a total and complete surprise for all their friends. “What if we just say, _fuck it_ , to the baby-sized foods food truck and just get on with our business?”

“Meaning?” Steve raises an eyebrow.

Natasha walks over to him and grabs his hand. She drags him to the sofa and then smashes her lips against his.

He immediately kisses her back, slipping his arm around her waist but keeping a good distance to not disturb the baby bump. 

The kiss gets heated and he gently sets her down on the sofa as he kisses down from her jawline to the base of her neck. Natasha squirms under his touch as he slips his hand in her pants. He stays careful, though, to ensure that her stomach isn't disturbed.

Natasha really doesn't know what this is. She doesn't know why sex and goofing around comes so easily with Steve when she isn't even able to try to have a real, deep conversation about feelings with him. Maybe it's because she's weak. Maybe it's because Bruce ruined her. But it drives her crazy. She could make this so easy for herself, but she doesn't.

She knows it hurts Steve, too, but it's not something that she can control like a light switch. Still, she doesn't react badly when she hears him murmur, " _I love you_ " to her when they both reach their climax.

"I know," she says back. She hates herself. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! all comments are appreciated. i love hearing your feedback regardless of whether you liked the chapter or not :)
> 
> have a great week!


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh this is almost 19k words long... i apologize. i hope you guys like it though :) hope you all make it to the end haha

“It’s a boy.”

“It’s a _girl_ . I _know_ it’s a girl.”

“How the hell would _you_ know, Barton?”

“ _Because_ , Sam, I’m the soul whisperer. I know. _Trust_ _me_.”

“You’re being ridiculous, Clint.”

“ _Thank you_ , Sharon.”

“But so are you, Wilson.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“She _has_ to be having twins. Boy _and_ girl.”

“Are you insinuating that Natasha looks hefty?”

“ _I hate you_ . No, _Clinton_ . I am _not_ saying that. I’m just saying that it’s _Natasha and Steve_ . Out of all of us, _they_ would be the ones to have twins to trip us all up.”

Natasha rolls her eyes as she wraps an arm around Sharon’s shoulders. “Enough fighting, you crazy kids. Come on. We’re about to cut the cake.”

Clint gives her a comforting pat on the back. “I meant to say it earlier, but you look great.”

Natasha snorts in amusement. “Yeah, _right_. I look bloated times ten.” Steve tells her about a hundred times a day that she looks beautiful. She appreciates the compliment, but she knows that she’s looking fatter by day. Nineteen weeks of pregnancy does that to you, she supposes. 

She turns to the elaborately set up dining room table and grabs the gender reveal cake. 

“You’re nineteen weeks pregnant,” Sam says, taking the cake from her hands. “It’d be concerning if you didn’t look bloated.”

“Yeah, I’m _pregnant_ , not an invalid,” Natasha says, reaching to swipe the cake back. “I can hold it myself.”

Sam shakes his head, “I don’t think so, Natasha.”

Natasha rolls her eyes again as Sam sticks his tongue out at her.

“If you didn’t look bloated, you’d be giving birth to a pancake baby,” Clint says with a chuckle. “That means no brains.” He pauses and shrugs. “But then again, the baby is literally half _you_ , half _Rogers_ , so… that’s plausible.”

“I hate you.” Natasha slaps his shoulder as they enter the living room.

“Can we kick him out?” Sharon asks as she takes a seat next to Pietro and Brock Rumlow. 

Natasha sighs overdramatically. “I wish, but based on his track record, he’s probably gonna buy a really expensive gift when the baby shower comes around so my morals won’t allow that.”

Clint scoffs. “ _Please_. Anything I get you can’t be worth half as much as what Tony gets.”

“I heard that,” Tony says, as he leads Pepper to the sofa adjacent to Sharon. 

“ _Good_.”

Natasha feels a hand on her back and turns to see Steve standing there. He clears his throat. “So, is everyone ready?”

Everyone nods and cheers. 

“Speed it up, Rogers. We want cake!” Rhodey exclaims.

Steve looks down at Natasha. “You feeling good?”

Natasha nods. “Of course, but I’d like a foot rub later.”

He’s been pretty protective of her during the past couple of months and she’s grateful for his support, but she’s especially appreciative of the fact that he hasn’t crossed into annoying territory. She’s still been stalling the deep conversation that she knows she needs to have with him and she’s glad that he hasn’t tried to say anything provoking to her. 

She knows that he does want to talk to her, but he seems to understand that she doesn’t want to talk. In her head, she’s aware that that’s probably not a good idea, but when has she ever been smart enough to get her head out of her ass?

They’re not necessarily walking on eggshells around each other, much to her relief. Rather, they’re just avoiding the eggshells. 

“I gotchu,” Steve says, with a chuckle. “Let’s do this.” Sam hands him the knife to slice the cake. 

Natasha stands next to him on the other side of the cake. “I just want to thank everybody for coming. I know that you’re all busy doing your own thing, but I’m really happy that you’re all here to celebrate this life with Steve and I. I’m forever grateful that this baby will have all of you guys as people to look up to. I’m not perfect so it really calms me down knowing that I have all of you by my side.”

She pauses to let out a chuckle. “I, uh, I know that for the past five or so years, I’ve been really difficult to deal with. I ran to all corners of the Earth and avoided my problems and self-medicated like crazy. I was super crazy and such a headache, but you all were there for me. You all supported me when I needed it. These past five years have been nothing short of insane, so thank you… _all of you_.”

She looks over at Steve. “You ready?”

Steve shoots her a smile. “Yup.” He reaches out to touch her stomach for a quick second. 

Sam sits up straighter. “It’s a boy. I’m telling you, Barton.”

“Wrong,” Clint says, as everyone watches Steve begin to slice through the cake in anticipation.

The knife slices through and Steve pulls it back out when he reaches the bottom. The knife has blue crumbs on it.

“ _Ha!_ I told you!” Sam stands up and points to Clint. “It’s a boy, motherfuckers!”

Everyone gets up to congratulate the two and Thor begins cutting the cake into slices while Jane and Thor hand them plates and forks. 

“Fuck your Y chromosome,” Clint says to Steve, with a loud groan. “Fucking _hell_.”

“And it’s just one baby, right?” Sam asks Natasha.

Natasha nods and scoffs. “Sam, you know I’d be going insane if I was carrying two kids in me.” 

“You were wrong too, Carter!” Sam laughs at Sharon, who pretends to shoo him away.

“A mini Steve,” Bucky drawls, as he wraps an arm around Wanda’s shoulders. “ _God_ , I feel sorry for you, Nat.”

“ _Oh_ , I know,” Natasha says, “I’ve heard many stories about young Steven here.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I behaved.”

“ _Right_ ,” Pietro snorts in amusement. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Everyone engages in small talk and offers names to Steve and Natasha. Joseph and Sarah had a prior commitment and were unable to come, but Steve and Natasha had told them the gender earlier. Joseph had beamed when he found out he was having a grandson and made Steve promise to consider the name “Joseph”. Sarah had pleaded with them not to later that night.

People are conversing all over the vast Romanoff penthouse and even without a bunch of intoxicated idiots, it’s still loud and crowded.

Natasha’s walking around the penthouse, thanking people who congratulate her, as she makes her way towards the bathroom. She stops when she hears Wanda and Bucky talking.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Wanda sounds irritated.

Bucky sighs. “Wanda, doll—”

Natasha frowns and wonders what the problem is.

“Don’t _doll_ me, Bucky,” Wanda says, “I asked you to convince Steve to talk to Natasha.”

 _Of course_. She swallows her breath. It’s about her and Steve. The elephant in the room that never seems to leave. 

Bucky groans. “Honestly, Wanda, out of _all_ the things we could be doing right now…”

“Quit being _horny_ , Bucky. This is important.”

“She clearly does _not_ want to discuss anything relating to the L-word,” Bucky insists.

 _Thank you_ , she thinks. Bucky understands. 

“Because she’s stubborn as hell,” Wanda responds, “Love scares her.”

Bucky says, “Exactly, Wanda. It scares her. That’s why I haven’t bothered trying to convince Steve to talk to her.”

Wanda sounds unfazed. “It’s been _months_. She’s halfway through her pregnancy and they haven’t spoken about the past nine years of their lives at all. They need to have this conversation sooner than later because it’ll only get worse.”

Oh, _this_ again. Natasha let out an inaudible sigh. 

“You’ve been talking way too much to Clint.”

“But he’s right. Natasha is keeping it all in and she’s gonna explode later. It’s not gonna be pretty.”

“I know that. I’m well aware of what her habits are and I know that’s gonna happen _but…_ it’s different now. She has a literal fetus growing in her. We can’t try to go about it by forcing them to talk.”

This is sounding like a typical conversation to Natasha and she’s about to turn around and leave, but curiosity is getting the best of her. 

Wanda sighs. “He’s been in love with her for years and she won’t even give him the time of day.”

“You can’t be mad that she doesn’t feel the same way towards him,” Bucky reminds her.

She doesn’t know how she feels about that statement.

“I know, but she doesn’t even give him a real chance. Steve’s a good guy.”

She doesn’t want to start something that she can’t predict. 

“Do you think she’s still hung up on Bruce?”

Natasha tenses. She’s been trying to not think about Bruce. Steve had asked her if she wanted to invite him to the gender reveal party but she declined, believing that it would be weird.

Wanda groans. “It’s possible. She and Bruce were just as fucked up, but that’s only because they weren’t right for each other in the end.”

“I still don’t get why you think Steve and Natasha have to be together. Their track record doesn’t show much promise. Let’s be real here.”

Preach, Bucky. 

“They’ve never actually tried a real relationship.”

“Natasha’s not one for settling down. Steve wasn’t, either.”

Natasha agrees. 

“But he is _now_. He waited for her to go through her Bruce shit and he’s there for her now, trying to be the best person he can be for her. He’s been waiting for her since Budapest. This is the ending they deserve.”

Natasha doesn’t think she believes that.

“It’s unfair to Steve.” Bucky sighs. “Listen, Wanda, I know you want what’s best for Natasha. I understand that you think that she and Steve would be great together. I get it. I really wish they could get their shit together, too, but it doesn’t seem like it’s meant to be. She always ran from him. Maybe not him because he’s him necessarily, but you know what I mean.”

Natasha frowns. 

“Natasha’s just _difficult_ ,” Wanda says, defensively. “She’s been through a lot. She doesn’t always act rationally.”

“I know that,” Bucky says, “but let’s really think about this. Natasha loves Steve. We all know this. She loves him as a friend. We all love him as a friend. The love that he feels for her isn’t like that. He’s head over heels in love with her. Ever since Budapest. He’s been dealing with this for _six years_.”

That’s hardly her fault. 

He pauses and continues, “He’s been there for her every time she needed someone to distract her. She chose Steve because she knew that he’d do anything she asked him to. She only hung out with him for the fun of it and always left without even thinking about what she was doing. She’s been _using_ him, Wanda. You know I’m right. She’s taken advantage of Steve’s love for her, intentional or not, and even to this day, she’s too selfish to even truly consider his feelings. I bet you that if she wasn’t pregnant, this cycle would just go on and on. It would _never_ end.”

That stings. She knows that Bucky would never want to hurt her intentionally, but the words still sting. She agrees that what Steve feels is unfair for him, but it just is the way it is. She understands that Steve has every right to hate her, but that’s his choice. Natasha couldn’t do anything but to let it happened. Even if it’s unfair. 

“That’s not fair, Bucky. We know that Natasha’s been struggling with her identity—”

“We _all_ did, Wanda. We all went through that shit, but we also knew to be decent people.”

Natasha licks her lips as she listens. 

“What are you implying?” Wanda asks, accusingly.

Bucky takes a deep breath. “I love Natasha. I _do_. I care for her. Just like you do for her, as well. But… she’s selfish. She’s been stringing Steve along for six years. She’s being destructive. People called her the Black Widow back in the day for a reason, Wanda.”

Natasha stills. 

“Bucky—”

“Natasha’s my friend, but Steve is my best friend. My _brother_ , basically. I just can’t stand for him to be dealing with all of this when it’s becoming clear that he’s never gonna get what he waited for.”

“Natasha doesn’t owe him a relationship.”

Damn right.

“That’s true, but the least she could do is tell him that nothing will ever happen between them. She could say that she’s willing to co-parent with him platonically instead of giving him false hope.”

“You make her sound like such a shitty person.”

“I’m not trying to, Wanda,” Bucky says, “but we can’t just dance around it.”

Part of her wants to scream in frustration. Why do things have to be so fucking hard?

“So, then what do you suggest we do?”

“Tell Steve to move on. Convince him to. If he tries to talk to Natasha, it’s just gonna blow up in both of their faces. What if, one day, Nat finally lets him have her, but he doesn’t want her anymore? Things would only get worse.”

“ _Bucky_ …”

Natasha just wishes that she could snap her fingers and have everything go back to normal. Whatever normal is. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to sound like such a pessimistic asshole, but I’m looking out for my best friend the same way that you’re looking out for yours. I’ve seen Steve lose himself over her. He’s risked his health to live up to her level of fun for years and it’s just not fair. He needs to move on. Steve deserves better. Natasha does too. They can’t keep playing this game anymore.”

There’s silence for a minute. It really does sting, but she knows Bucky has a point. Like Steve had said in Berlin, they were too old for this.

Wanda sighs. “No matter what though… they’re still gonna be connected forever because of their son. Whatever happens between the two of them, they can’t escape each other.”

“I know. It’s not easy.”

Not anymore. 

“I don’t think it ever was,” Wanda murmurs. 

Natasha doesn’t know what to think. Her chest tightens and she quietly gets the hell away from the bathroom door. She doesn’t want them to know she was listening in and she sure as hell doesn’t want to face them.

She returns to the mass of people and sees Steve talking to Sam and Pietro. She decides to busy herself by talking to Maria.

* * *

A few days pass by and Natasha’s laying on the sofa, barely paying attention to an episode of _Law and Order: Special Victims_ that’s airing on the television. She’s staring at the ceiling, waiting for Steve to come back so that they can talk.

She’s finally decided to stop being a _coward_ and actually talk things out with Steve. She deduces that sooner is better than later because stress isn’t good for the baby and she doesn’t want to end up more stressed later. 

She’s thought about what she overheard from Wanda and Bucky and comes to the realization that maybe Bucky is right. She knows that Wanda was right, too, but maybe Bucky had a more valid point.

Either way, Natasha knows that it’s time to suck it up and talk to him. 

She’s been dealing with this inner conflict for a couple of days, but she’s tried to act normal so that Steve wouldn’t know that something was up. 

The elevator doors part and Steve walks in, huffing and puffing. “It’s like five million degrees in the lobby. A fucking _hellhole_ , I’m telling you. I know it’s getting chillier outside but that’s just unnecessary.”

Natasha chuckles. “At least you’re not pregnant. It feels way hotter walking around there with extra baggage.”

“Oh, I bet,” Steve says with a smile. “You good? Want a back rub or anything?”

Natasha nods. “I’m good. Just… just trying to solve this crime before Benson does. Thanks for the offer though.” She points to the TV.

“Of course. Well, good luck with that.” Steve chuckles, as he disappears into the kitchen.

Natasha sits up straight and folds her hands together, waiting for him to come out so that she can finally just talk to him. It’s been a long time. She’s spent the last few days preparing speeches and arguments and explanations and she just wants to get them done. 

Steve walks out with a glass of ice-cold water. He notices her posture and raises an eyebrow. “Is something wrong?”

“Can we… can we _talk?_ ” Natasha looks up at him.

“Of course,” Steve says, taking a seat across from her. “What is it?”

Natasha hesitates but then answers. “We’ve been putting off this discussion since Berlin. Everyone else probably thinks it’s more like Budapest, but whatever.”

She sees Steve’s eyes slightly widen when he realizes what she’s talking about. “ _Oh_. We’re gonna… talk about…”

“ _Us_ ,” she finishes for him. “Yes. It’s overdue.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Steve says in awe. He’s careful as if he’s nervous that saying the wrong thing or sounding too enthusiastic will make her want to stop.

“I’m gonna have to be honest with you and say that when I found out I was pregnant, a part of me actually… actually really thought about aborting it,” Natasha confesses.

Steve has a blank expression on his face, but he remains silent.

“I knew it was my choice so I considered it. I knew that if I aborted it, I could just move on with my life and not have to worry about being connected to you for the rest of my life. I could do as I pleased. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I kept the baby. I _am_ … but I had thought that not having the baby meant that I could continue what I was doing. I thought that after Russia, you and I would eventually get over the awkwardness and that we could go back to… playing our game.” She looks up to see his brow furrowing.

Natasha sighs and continues, “It’s not fair. I shouldn’t have thought like that, but I did. I just dismissed what you had said to me. I didn’t take it seriously at all. I ran after you told me… but then I got pregnant. It fucked with me for the couple days I was alone before I went to go talk to you.”

Steve listens to her and she’s relieved that he seems to understand that she has a lot to say at once, so he doesn’t interrupt her.

“I didn’t know if I even wanted to tell you. Aborting it and pretending it never happened was a thought that crossed my mind. I had mixed feelings. I missed our game, but then, at the same time, I remembered what you had said to me. It was… not something I wanted to hear, but even if I wanted to forget it, I couldn’t. So, I decided to tell you. I think a part of me hoped that it would make things better for us,” Natasha says.

“I’m not in love with you. I know you know that. But I do care enough for you that I wanted to tell you. I decided not to abort it because I didn’t want to live with the guilt knowing that I did that and never told you. I didn’t think I could restart our game with that on my shoulders. Even though… even though what you and I have had isn’t really like Pepper and Tony or Bucky and Wanda or Maria and Sam, I… I couldn’t do that. I love you, Steve. You’re my _friend_. I didn’t want to keep it from you,” she finishes. 

She immediately wants to smack herself. That definitely had not been any of the few speeches she had rehearsed in her head. She had just rambled instead. 

Natasha sighs. “That made no sense.”

“No, I-I got it,” Steve assures her, shaking his head. “I understand what you mean.”

“I’m sorry,” Natasha says, quietly. 

“I know,” Steve says, “but it’s okay. I’m sorry, too.”

Natasha looks at him. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I _do_. I’m sorry that I’m in love with you. It ruined what we had. It made everything awkward,” he responds, gently.

“No, that was me,” Natasha says, “I always ran. I never talked to you. I just had my fun and I left.” She sighs. “I’m sorry for calling you my bad habit. It… I…. I know that it basically seems fitting, given our history, but I promise you, Steve. You weren’t just a distraction to me. You were… you _are_ my friend.”

“I know that,” Steve says. “It’s just difficult.”

“I never thought about you. I never even considered that maybe the whole escaping-in-the-morning thing wasn’t the right thing to do. I never even thought to consider the fact that we had grown up since high school and maybe things weren’t as easy. That’s on me.” Natasha rubs her lips together. 

Steve looks at her with all this emotion in his beautiful eyes and it haunts her. “You had your own stuff. It wasn’t your obligation to notice.”

Natasha sighs. “I wish you’d stop defending me. I told you that you had a right to hate me. To be mad, at least. You have all the reason to.”

“I’ve bottled it up,” Steve responds, “I’ve dealt with it. I’m _fine_ , Nat. Six years of practice, you know.” He lets out a weak chuckle.

Natasha responds a weak smile. “But that’s not fair to you. You shouldn’t have to apologize for what you feel for me. It’s not something you have to feel apologetic anymore. That’s my fault.”

“ _No_.” Steve shakes his head. “We were doing fine but then I kept saying things that I shouldn’t have.”

“I hurt you,” Natasha says. “I know I did when I kept laughing you off every time you told me about your feelings. I was gone in the mornings and I always called you up whenever I felt like it. I… you almost relapsed because of me several times. I’ve hurt you. Tainted it.”

“The stuff with the drugs… that’s on _me_. I know I should have told you. I’m sorry I didn’t. It was stupid of me, but—”

“But you’re in love with me and you couldn’t turn me down.”

“ _Natasha—_ ”

“I’m so sorry about that. Whether or not you were trying to be clean, it was still wrong of me. I shouldn’t have been asking you to party with me and pretty much pressuring you to do things with me,” Natasha says, sincerely.

Steve sighs. “We’re both a mess.”

“We are,” Natasha says, with a nod. She bites her lip. “I just don’t know what to do. You’re in love with me. It’s not something I should be avoiding, but I don’t know what to say or do to you. I’m pregnant. I can’t just run from my problems or drink them away. This is new for me.”

“You don’t have to feel any pressure to love me the same way,” Steve says with a sad look in his eyes.

Natasha’s stomach churns.

“Knowing that you will always be there for me the same way that I’m always here for you is good enough for me.” Steve looks genuine. “We’re gonna have a baby together. I’m excited, Nat. I _really_ am. I’m not feeling any desperation to make you fall in love with me. What we have now… it’s _okay_. I’m content.”

Natasha isn’t sure if she agrees with that. “Budapest was six years ago. It’s unbelievable that you’ve been dealing with this for that long.” It’s not fair. It’s not right. 

“We’ve come a long way since Budapest,” Steve says. “It was a journey.”

Natasha pauses, thinking of something she had been wondering about, but never had the courage to ask. She decides that she might as well ask now. There really isn’t anything to lose. “How did you react? That morning in Budapest that I left? You said you were in love with me since then.”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “You really want to know?”

She’s surprised that she’s asking too, but she nods.

Steve licks his lips and begins to explain.

“When we were drunk and walking around the streets, you were so vibrant and full of life… and _vodka_ , but you were a light. You were and you are the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen. And that night was perfect, too. We talked and I got to know you better so that I could have a better understanding of who you were. We slept together and I went to sleep thinking that it was one of the best nights of my life. I had such a great time with you and I couldn’t wait to continue making memories with you,” Steve says.

He pauses and then continues, “but then you were gone in the morning. You did leave a note. The only time you left a note. I shrugged it off and just added that to my Natasha Romanoff-is-an-enigma characterization of you. You were a question mark to me. That’s what I deduced… but then you left again and again and _again_ and I realized that you were more than that. You were a mystery to me, but it didn’t scare me off. You interested me and you still do. I still can’t really figure out.”

No one could. She knew that.

“I fell more and more in love with you from the time we spent together. You’re a mystery, but you’re a stunning mystery. You kept me wondering and wanting more. You were the only person I noticed as much as I did with Sharon. You were the only person that drove me insane,” Steve says. “You surprise me a lot. You amaze me. I loved it all. Even though it hurt every time you left and dismissed what I said, I couldn’t let it go.”

He continues, “As for the morning after Budapest… when I woke up, I decided that I didn’t want to be a cokehead anymore. I wanted to listen to you while I was sober. I didn’t want to possibly forget everything you told me. I didn’t want to lose myself. So, I decided to quit. I went to rehab for a few months upstate while you were starting school again. I was clean, but then we went to Tahiti. I was hesitant to get back into my old habits, but it seemed like it was the only way to connect to you. So every time we were together, after you left, I would do another rehabilitation program to keep me on track.”

Natasha’s chest tightens. “ _Steve_ , I’m so s—”

He raises a hand to silence her. “It’s okay. _Really_. I’m fine now. I had support from our friends so it wasn’t like I was suffering. They thought I was crazy, though, especially Sharon.”

She raises a brow. “Whatever happened between you and Sharon?”

Steve chuckles. “She’s just the only person I’ve ever dated.”

“Did you love her?” Natasha asks. “Were you in love with her?”

“I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. What I felt for her was close though,” Steve admits. “It wasn’t like that even mattered. Our relationship wasn’t really a relationship, even though we had labeled it as one. It wasn’t like you and Bruce.”

Natasha sighs. “Maybe that’s a good thing. Bruce and I were a mess.”

“But you were in love with him.”

“I _was_.” She still loves him, but she knows she doesn’t feel as strongly as she did in the past. “He was the only person that I had that kind of relationship with.”

Steve nods. “I know. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two.” He looks surprisingly calm for the awkward subject matter. 

Natasha shrugs. “I’m sorry that you and Sharon never really got the proper relationship.”

“It’s fine, really. I still learned a lot from my time with her,” Steve responds. “I’m grateful for her.”

“Do you think it’d be different?” Natasha asks. “If we never slept together at your graduation party, it’s reasonable to think we wouldn’t have gotten in this game. Do you think that you could’ve had something with Sharon if nothing happened between you and me?”

It’s definitely awkward, but they’re already too deep into this to give a damn. She’s curious and he would tell her the truth.

“It’s possible,” Steve says, “but I guess we’ll never really know. Sharon’s still my good friend and she and Rumlow seem to be making some moves.”

“Never saw that coming,” Natasha says, honestly.

“Neither did any of us,” Steve says. 

Natasha licks her lips. “I could have probably predicted Bruce finding some girl that’s just like him.” Betty is literally the one for Bruce. She knows what.

“You’ll find your happiness, Nat,” Steve says, assuringly. “Whether it’s in the form of a human being or a dog.”

She shyly smiles at him. 

Steve reaches out and takes her hands into his. “Do you still have the necklace? And the ring?”

Natasha nods. She hasn’t worn them in a long, long time, but she still keeps them in their jewelry box.

“Just remember that those are my tokens for you,” Steve says. “I’m always gonna be here for you, Natasha.” He pauses. “I’ve actually… I’ve actually thought about seeing a therapist.”

Natasha frowns. “Really?”

He lets go of her hands. “Yeah. I don’t know. I mean, I have plenty of great friends that I can talk to whenever I need something, but I wonder if it would be nicer to be able to talk to someone who, you know, doesn’t know me. Someone who isn’t 100% familiar with me. It’s an unbiased opinion you get from them, then.”

“And you’re gonna tell that person all about you and me?” The idea doesn’t sit well with her.

“Nope,” Steve responds, “I was actually going to talk about addiction.”

Suddenly, she realizes why he’s bringing this up.

“I’m not asking you to come with me. In fact, I don’t think that’s gonna end up well, but I am suggesting that you go visit on your own time,” Steve says. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card. “Here.” He stands up and turns to leave.

“Are we okay?” Natasha asks before he leaves.

Steve looks over his shoulder and nods. He replies softly, “Of course. Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. You being here is enough.”

He gives her a curt nod and disappears into the hallway.

Natasha isn’t sure how she feels. _Again_.

* * *

Over a week later, Natasha had started going to therapy once a week. In the past, she had always dismissed therapy as overpriced, lackluster help but she had been finding herself to be enjoying her company with Dr. Christine Palmer. Natasha had found her extremely easy to talk to, to her relief.

She’s twenty-four years old. She’s not a child anymore, but she definitely doesn’t feel like an adult either. She’s still young, but she already has more responsibility than she expected. She’s gonna become a mother. She’s gonna be linked to Steve forever. She already adores her unborn baby but the prospect terrifies her.

Dr. Palmer is there for her, though, and she appreciates it. She listens to everything Natasha has to say.

“I saw Bruce and Betty at Central Park,” Natasha says, after sipping her tea. “They’re very cute together.”

“Is that so?” Dr. Palmer raises a brow.

“ _Mhmm_.” Natasha nods. “He’s looked the happiest I’ve ever seen him in a while. It’s good for him. I’m happy for him.”

“And what about you?” Dr. Palmer asks. “How are you and Steve?”

“Pretty good,” Natasha admits. 

It’s the truth. After her conversation with Steve, things were surprisingly not that awkward. They were getting along well and were remaining as good friends. Just… _friends_. She wasn’t sure how that made her feel. They were obviously doing well for the baby’s sake, but sometimes it just felt so weird. 

He had gifted her with a beautiful bracelet for her birthday and she enjoyed a big dinner party with all of her closest friends. Steve had embraced her and kissed her forehead and she had enjoyed his company. He definitely knew how to make sure she was having a good time, sober or not. 

They also celebrated Thanksgiving with his family and it had been, without a doubt, one of the weirdest dinners she’s ever had. It hadn’t necessarily been awkward, but it had been weird. The reality of starting a family with Steve was blowing up for her. 

Christmas had been just the same. Steve had purchased a bunch of stuff for the baby and some first edition novels that she had been eyeing. 

On New Year’s, he made sure that she was having a good time, despite the fact that she couldn’t drink or party as usual. 

Things were good with Steve. 

“Are you figuring out what to do about him?”

Natasha shakes her head. “No. We’re doing fine, so I haven’t… I haven’t given it much thought.”

She rambles on, expressing her confusing, mind-boggling thoughts about Steve. She goes on and on about how she’s so stressed out about what’s gonna happen.

She’s taken aback when Dr. Palmer suggests that speak to Bruce. “What?”

“Speak to him,” Dr. Palmer elaborates. “Get tea with him or something and just have a civil conversation.”

“But… _why?_ ” Natasha sputters. “He and I are not together anymore and I think it would be weird to have a private discussion with him.”

“Closure,” Dr. Palmer replies, simply.

“He and I had closure. And we both moved on with our lives.”

Dr. Palmer cocks her head to the side. “There’s nothing wrong with having a good discussion with an old friend. It can feel good to be able to talk.”

Natasha isn’t sure if she agrees, but she still decides to follow Dr. Palmer’s advice, because she’s been nothing but helpful for a month. And she’s also twenty-five weeks pregnant, heading into her second trimester, and the last thing she’s in the mood for is Steve to hover over her like a helicopter. He’s starting to become a bit overprotective and that’s annoying enough for her to suck it up and give Bruce a call.

Thankfully sparing her from possible embarrassment, Bruce agrees to meet with her. And to make her feel better, he agrees to have tea at her penthouse so she doesn’t have to walk out with her growing belly.

Steve’s out doing business stuff with Bucky and Sam. Natasha doesn’t bother to ask because he’ll just start using big words that she doesn’t understand to explain what they’re doing.

Bruce walks in and Natasha smiles at him. “Hi.”

“Hey, Tasha,” he says, as he looks around. “Way to ring in the New Year.”

“2020, here we come,” Natasha says, with a chuckle, as she motions for him to follow her to the sitting table at the lounge. She’s already set up a cup of tea for them both.

“ _Here_ , let me,” Bruce says, reaching out to pull her chair for her.

Natasha snorts in amusement. “I’m still perfectly capable of doing that for myself, Bruce.”

“I know, but I’m still a polite guy,” he says, as he takes a seat across from her.

“That I know.”

Bruce looks at her and takes a deep breath. “How are you?”

“I’m twenty-five weeks now. Shit’s so crazy,” Natasha says. She licks her lips. “My life’s moving so fast and sometimes, I don’t feel like I actually understand what’s going on.”

“Maybe your whole soul searching journey is escalating like crazy now. Maybe it’s now that you’re gonna be able to figure yourself out,” Bruce suggests.

She looks at him, raising a brow. “Really, Bruce?”

He holds his hands up in defense. “ _Hey_ , I’m just saying. It’s not like you can just off to, I don’t know, New Zealand and try to find yourself the way you’ve tried in the past.” He pauses to narrow his eyes at her. “You better not run, Tasha.”

“I won’t,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “It’s a little hard when you look like you’re hoarding a basketball under your shirt.”

“That I can believe,” Bruce says, as his lips curl into a smile. “But really though. Don’t you think it’s almost time to wrap up this journey of yours? You’re gonna be a mother. That’s… that’s _big_.”

Natasha sighs. “I know and honestly… I’m not sure. I’m pretty damn sure my life purpose and identity crisis at 18 wasn’t because of pregnancy, but… maybe I was just meant to settle into something more domestic?”

“It’s possible,” Bruce says. “Maybe you just had to slow things down in your life.”

“I’m not sure if I like being slow,” Natasha says, “It’s not what I’m used to. It’s weird.”

“Which is exactly why it could be what you were meant to do. Take life slower,” Bruce points out.

Natasha shrugs. “How am I supposed to know that that’s meant for me?”

“It’s not easy,” Bruce says, truthfully. “But you have to trust your judgment. I’m sure Steve can help with that.” He pauses and asks, “So how _are_ you and Steve?”

Natasha raises a brow. She’s not entirely sure if she wants to discuss the father of her child with her ex-boyfriend. It’s just strange. She shrugs again. “We’re good. We’re getting along great. Things are working out.”

“Is it platonic?” Bruce asks.

“I mean… we’ve been sleeping together, but you know,” she points to her stomach, “not that much, lately. That’s the most of it. We’re not… romantically involved.”

“I heard he’s in love with you,” Bruce says, slowly. “That must be taking a toll on you.”

Natasha’s eyes widen. “What? How do you know that?”

“Everyone gossips, Tasha,” Bruce replies. “I may not spend much time around the Manhattan elite anymore, but I still hear things.”

“From _who?_ ” Natasha cocks her head to the side.

Bruce purses his lips and avoids her glance.

Natasha narrows her eyes at him. “ _Bruce_.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Bruce insists.

“ _Tell me_.” She sounds murderous. She wants to know which Manhattan bitch she has to tell off. 

“It was Steve,” Bruce says with a sigh. 

Natasha frowns. That’s not the answer she was expecting. She would have guessed Tony, most definitely, or Wanda. Definitely not Steve. “Actually?”

Bruce scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah. He and I, uh, we had coffee a couple of months ago.”

Natasha’s brows furrow. “That’s news to me.” Steve had never, ever mentioned Bruce to her. If they ever discussed Bruce, it had been because Natasha brought him up. She feels confused as to why they talked.

Bruce licks his lips. “Yeah. I didn’t think he would tell you we met up.”

“When was this? What did you guys talk about?” Natasha knows it technically isn’t her business, but the subject matter is herself and she has to know.

“It was a few days before your birthday,” Bruce answers, “Steve called me and asked if we could meet up. He said he wanted to talk about you and I was gonna decline at first, but he said he wanted advice.”

He pauses to take a sip of tea and continues, “So, we met up and he basically told me his whole predicament. He explained his problems and that’s when he told me that was in love with you.”

Natasha groans. “ _God_ , Bruce. I’m sorry. I know that must have been so awkward. I swear, I didn’t know that this happened.”

Bruce shakes his head. “Don’t worry, Tasha. I’m actually glad I got to talk to him. It was a good conversation and I think we both left satisfied.”

“Well, what else did you guys say?”

“He asked me how our relationship began,” Bruce replies, “and how our dynamic was. I think he wanted to compare it to you and him. He also asked me what to do about dealing with distance and awkwardness. He basically just wanted to know how to make things better with you. He said that we were able to make up a few times, even though it ended up not working out, so he wanted to know how we worked.”

Natasha sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“ _Seriously_ , it’s fine.” Bruce lets out a chuckle. “It wasn’t a problem. I was happy to help him and you wanna know why? It’s because that man is _so_ , so in love with you. He loves you more than I ever did. I’m 100% confident about that.”

Natasha bites her lip before saying, “I don’t know what to do about him.”

Bruce looks at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. “Yeah, he told me that you weren’t in love with him. He said you just loved him as a friend.”

“It’s… complicated,” Natasha says.

“As all things are with you,” Bruce says, giving her a knowing look. He sighs. “Listen, Tasha. You deserve to be happy and despite what you may think of yourself, you’re a good person. A great person. An _amazing_ person.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“But _I_ do,” Bruce insists, “You and I had years of history and from that, I know you quite well. You deserve happiness. You really do.”

Natasha rubs her lips together. “I already am happy. I’m content with life.”

Bruce doesn’t look like he believes her. “But you could be happier.”

She sighs. “Bruce, what are you trying to say?”

“I say that you give Steve a real chance,” he responds. “I’ve talked to the guy. He really cares for you. You mean a lot to him, pregnant or not.”

“It’s not a black and white situation,” she protests, “I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. If it ends up not working out, it can become so much more awkward.”

“I understand that,” Bruce says with a nod, “but again, I know you. We’ve been through a lot. We broke up… a _lot_. Who even knows how many times. Almost every time we broke up, you ran off to seek comfort from Steve. If you weren’t with me, you were with Steve.”

Natasha isn’t sure how to respond to that. She hesitates and said, “Bruce, I hope you know that I never cheated on you with him.”

Bruce nods again. “I know that. I believe that, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m saying that you depended on Steve a lot. I know that you’ve said that he’s your bad habit and your distraction and all that, but it seems like more than that.”

“Meaning?” She raises a brow.

“I know you claim to just love him in a friendly way, but I’m inclined to believe that it’s more than that,” Bruce says, “You care for him. A lot. You’re comfortable with him and you feel that he’s always there for you to depend on. A part of you, even if it’s a small part, loves him. _Truly_ loves him.”

“ _Bruce_ —” She starts to say.

“You just haven’t been able to realize it yet, because it’s not as strong as what he feels for you,” Bruce says. “And maybe you’ll never love him as much as he loves you, but I think there’s a good chance for you two.”

Natasha swallows her breath and then shakes her head. “I don’t want to fall in love again.” She had fallen in love with Bruce and it messed her up. She didn’t know if she wanted to deal with feelings again.

Bruce sighs. “I’m sorry.” He understands.

“Don’t apologize.”

“Everything you do is up to you,” Bruce says, “but keep in mind that you really can’t control how you feel. Steve’s in love with you. He’s been feeling this way for six years, despite the fact that he barely saw you and never dated you. Despite the fact that he knew you didn’t feel the same way. He’s a patient man. He’s a good man. He deserves a chance, Natasha.”

Natasha doesn’t say anything. She knows that Bruce has a point but it just gives her a headache.

Bruce tilts his head to the side. “I know this is hard, Tasha. I’m sorry, but I won’t apologize for the fact that he’s in love with you. He would do anything to make you happy. I don’t think anyone’s ever loved you as much as he did. You don’t have to force a relationship with him, but I do think he deserves a proper chance.”

“I know…” She says weakly.

“When Steve and I talked, I told him that you’re worth it. It wasn’t meant to be with us, but I still knew that you were worth the trouble. I assured him that you’re difficult with everybody, not just him. He just needs to be able to come up for air when it comes to you, even though that’s not really something that you like to do. From how he responded, though, I know he’s willing to go through whatever obstacles you throw his way.”

Natasha huffs. “You’re gonna make me feel bad, Bruce.”

“I’m not trying to,” Bruce says, “but I hope you understand what I mean.”

Natasha nods with a sigh. “I do.”

Desperate to change the subject, she asks how Betty is and he updates her and they shift the conversation to the baby. Natasha admits that she doesn’t have any real baby name ideas, but she’s been working on getting the nursery done.

“You’re gonna be an amazing mother,” Bruce tells her. “ _Honestly_. The little guy’s gonna be so lucky.”

“We’ll see about that,” Natasha says. “Fingers crossed.”

Bruce stands up. “You will be. I believe that.”

She stands up, as well, and follows him to the elevator. “Hopefully you’re right. Hopefully, he won’t be as messed up like me.”

“ _Aw_ , don’t sell yourself short, Tasha,” Bruce says, clicking the elevator button.

“Yeah, _yeah_.” Natasha rolls her eyes. She takes a deep breath and looks at him with a sincere expression on her face. “Thank you for coming and talking to me. I know that it’s weird, but I’m grateful. I really needed to hear some advice.”

“Of course,” Bruce says, smiling genuinely at her. “No matter what, we’re still friends. I’ll always be here for you if you need me.” He reaches out and hugs her awkwardly, making sure not to disturb her belly. “Take care of yourself, Tasha. I’ll see you around.”

Natasha bids him farewell and retreats to the living room. She’s glad that the conversation with well and she’s appreciative that she and Bruce can still have civil conversations. It had been nice to talk to him like a friend and she’s grateful to know she’ll always have him as a friend.

It relaxes her, knowing that there’s no bad blood. She knows that she’s not in love with Bruce, anymore, but she still cares a lot for him, so it’s good to know that they’ll still be there for each other.

Natasha eats the massive carton of macaroni and cheese that Steve had left her and takes a nap, expecting him to be back by the time she wakes up.

* * *

She wakes up an hour later and opens her eyes to see Steve sitting on the edge of her bed, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. “Hey.” 

“Hey Nat,” Steve greets her, setting his phone on the coffee table. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. That nap was much needed,” Natasha says. She straightens herself up. “How was your meeting?”

“ _Boring_ ,” he says with a groan. “I would’ve much rather stayed here with you.” He reaches out to touch her stomach. “Do you want anything? A foot rub? Food?”

Natasha shakes her head. “I’m fine for now. I ate all the macaroni.”

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”

Natasha turns her head to take a good look at him. “Do you wanna have a movie night tonight? If you’re not busy…”

Steve meets her gaze. “Yeah, sure. Got any movies in mind?”

“You know I love my horror films,” Natasha says.

Steve raises a brow. “You sure about that?”

Natasha raises a brow back at him with a challenging look on her face. “Of course.”

“Alright, then,” Steve says, getting off the bed. “I’ll set up the lounge now.”

Natasha gets off the bed and looks at herself in the mirror. Her stomach is growing bigger and bigger by day and it still shocks her every day that she’s actually pregnant. She lifts up her oversized t-shirt and looks at her bare stomach. She’s still in awe that there’s an actual baby boy growing inside of her. She’s going to be a _mother_. 

She touches her bare skin and feels the baby move inside of her. “ _Wow_ ,” she murmurs to herself. “Look at yourself grow.” She murmurs to her stomach in Russian, saying nothing but sweet words to her unborn son.

She’s interrupted a few minutes later when Steve shows up in the doorway. “You look beautiful.”

“I look like I’ve swallowed a watermelon,” Natasha says, with a chuckle. She drops the fabric of her t-shirt and turns to face him. 

“Still beautiful.” Steve shrugs. He motions for her to follow him. “Come on.”

They settle on the soft couch and start watching the _Halloween_ movies. Natasha adjusts her position to make sure she’s comfortable and settles against his embrace. “You’re so warm,” Natasha whispers, as he wraps a blanket around them. 

Steve plants a kiss on the top of her head and they watch the movie together. Natasha clings on to Steve and she has to admit that she’s enjoying this time with him.

They’ve been so _domestic_ during the past five months and it’s been so weird to see that progress. A majority of the time she’s spent with Steve in the past was made up of adventuring, partying, sex, and intimate conversations under the influence of alcohol. 

She wouldn’t dismiss their intimate conversations or adventuring, but it certainly wasn’t on the level of domesticity that they had experienced in the past.

She had known Steve as a wild partier back when they were teenagers and he did leave up to that title when they were younger. Now, he’s as calm as ever and it’s strange to see him so differently. It’s comforting to her, but also unfamiliar.

For years, Steve had always been a legend of sorts at the Shield School. Handsome, filthy rich, charming, adventurous, and when he was actually doing his schoolwork, intelligent. Everyone knew he was and he lived up to his reputation.

Natasha had experienced his flirty and wild side plenty of times, but she had also been exposed to his soft side. The side that he didn’t show everybody. He was never as vulnerable as she had been around him, but she still got to see a side of him that he didn’t allow most people to see.

She imagines that it’s probably weird for outsiders to look at them and scratch their heads, thinking of how the hell Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff are doing this. He had a reputation then, she has a reputation now. No one’s particularly surprised that they’re together, considering they’re so alike, but it’s sure as hell shocking that they’re acting so domestic.

Natasha would never have expected that she would become such a sap. She never would have thought that this is how she and Steve would end up. 

“You okay?” Steve’s words snap her out of her thoughts.

She turns to face him and nods. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” He reaches for the remote and lowers the volume.

Natasha takes a quick peek at Michael Myers on the screen and then responds, “I’m reflecting… on how far we’ve come since we were kids.”

She had moved from Volgograd to Manhattan when she was twelve years old, ready to enter the seventh grade. She was a doe-eyed redhead entering one of the most fast-paced cities in the world. She had grown up much faster than she had expected.

“We’ve certainly grown up,” Steve says.

“We sure did. If you had told my twelve-year-old self that I was gonna end up the way I did, messed up and also _pregnant_ with Steve Rogers’ baby. I would have laughed. _So_ fucking hard,” Natasha says.

“I’m pretty sure everyone thought it was gonna be me and Sharon forever and always,” Steve says. “I bet her parents and my parents had that in mind since we were infants.”

Natasha shrugs. “I think my parents were open to me and Pietro. You know, since we’re both Eastern Europe.”

“That’s so weird to imagine,” Steve says, his nose wrinkling. “You and _Pietro?_ ”

“I know.” Natasha chuckles. “It’s like incest now. Wanda’s basically my sister.”

“Same with Sharon,” Steve says. “I’m really glad I never ended up with her. We’re both better off.”

Natasha raises a brow. “You really believe that?”

“I have you, don’t I?” Steve says, gently poking her shoulder. “In some capacity, but still.”

“You do,” Natasha says, truthfully.

“ _See_ ,” Steve says. “I’m good now. That’s all that matters. I’m living in my favorite city. I’m enjoying the work I do in banking. I have great friends and my relationship with my parents is healthy. And now I’m gonna have a family. I couldn’t be better.”

Natasha knows that’s a half-truth. She fakes a smile. “I’m glad.” She knows that she’s the only person who can give him what he really wants. She wishes that wasn’t the case. “I’m just as happy, too.”

“Good,” Steve says. He touches her stomach and chuckles. “He likes to move around.”

“Just like his parents,” Natasha jokes.

Steve smiles at her and Natasha feels her heart beat faster. This gentleness makes her feel all mushy on the inside and she’s in disbelief that she’s become such a sap. Steve looks at her like she’s his world and it makes her feel all kinds of things.

It’s comforting, but also discomforting at the same time.

“Who would have ever thought that two runners would be settling into a domestic life?” Steve chortles. “Out of all our friends, we’re pregnant first. Not even Tony and Pepper.”

“Funny how things work out,” Natasha says. She had never, ever expected that this would be her life now. Steve Rogers had never been much more than a fun distraction to her and to have him the way that she does is something she can’t really fathom. 

Steve opens his mouth to respond, but Natasha interrupts him with a gasp. His brows raise. “Are you okay? Are you in pain?”

“No… _no_ ,” Natasha says, shaking her head. She looks down at her stomach and lifts her shirt up. “He… he kicked. Steve, he _kicked!_ ”

Steve’s eyes widen and Natasha grabs his hand, placing it on a certain spot on her bare stomach.

“ _Wow!_ ” Steve exclaims when the baby kicks again. “We got a future soccer player coming. World Cup, here we come!”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “ _Right_.” 

“You never know,” Steve says, as he shifts to face her stomach. “Hey, little guy. Having a party in there?”

Natasha couldn’t help but smile.

“I can’t wait for you to get here,” Steve says, “I’m so, _so_ excited.” He looks up and kisses her forehead. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Natasha raises a brow.

“You’re giving me a son,” Steve says. “I couldn’t be more grateful.”

Natasha chuckles. “You are _such_ a sap, Steve. High school you would be so disappointed to see you now.” She feels her cheeks heat up and it’s such a weird feeling. Steve’s making her feel things that she doesn’t think she had wanted to feel. 

“Oh well. I'm living better than he was,” Steve says. He smiles and kisses her cheek. “How did I end up so lucky?”

How did _she_ end up so lucky?

* * *

Two weeks later, she’s ready to start swinging punches.

“You’re getting fatter every day.”

“Do you want to _die_ , Rhodey?” Natasha glares at him as she settles into an armchair. “I may be twenty-six weeks, but I can still throw a mean punch.”

“ _Oh_ , I believe that,” Rhodey says, as he purposely finds a seat away from Natasha. Sharon and Maria roll their eyes at him. 

“Rhodey, do you _want_ her to flip her shit?” Tony looks at his best friend in disbelief. “Pregnant women are dangerous.”

“ _So_ dangerous,” Pietro snickers. 

Natasha narrows her eyes at them. 

Steve rests his hands on her shoulders. “Alright, _Rhonyietro_ , dial it down. We have gifts to open.” He looks down at Natasha. “You feeling good?”

“Well, besides the fact that your spawn wants to play soccer in my uterus at every waking moment, I’m fine,” she assures him.

Steve chuckles. “I’ll give you a nice foot rub later.”

“ _Thank God_ ,” Natasha says, sighing in relief.

“Keep it PG, you disgusting _heathens_.” Bucky’s nose wrinkles. Wanda scolds at him.

Unnamed baby boy has been giving Natasha some rough nights every now and then with all that damn kicking he does. Steve’s always there to comfort her in the middle of the night. He talks to the baby. He gives her massages and foot rubs. He brings her whatever food her heart desires at any hour of the night despite the fact that it’s winter. He’s been such a great support system and she’s so thankful.

“I’m gonna go last,” Tony says, loudly, “because I got the best gift. Meanwhile, _uh_ , Loki, why don’t you go first?”

Loki raises a brow as he gets up from sitting next to Sam. “Should I be insulted?”

“That’s up to you,” Tony says, raising his hands. 

Loki rolls his eyes and hands Natasha an elaborately wrapped box. “This is just from me. Not Thor. Thor probably got you something lame like diapers.”

Thor rolls his eyes.

Natasha opens the box and sees a bunch of tiny t-shirts stacked on top of each other. The t-shirt on top reads “MY UNCLE LOKI IS COOLER THAN UNCLE THOR”.

She chuckles as she holds the shirt up. “ _Very_ cute, Loki.”

Thor rolls his eyes again.

“ _Oh_ , there’s more,” Loki says, pointing at the box. “I have a passion for graphic design.”

Natasha laughs when she sees that each shirt has a picture of one of their friends’ faces on it and joke printed on it.

Clint shakes his head in disbelief when he sees the t-shirt with his face on it. “When is the Legolas joke gonna die?”

“ _Never_ , Legolas!” Tony exclaims with a smirk on his face.

Natasha goes through all the gifts and Steve gathers all the trash as she thanks each person for their gift. When she gets to Tony’s gift, she looks at him with wide eyes. “Are you fucking with me, Stark?”

“Never, red,” Tony snickers. Pepper rolls her eyes next to him.

From the looks on everyone’s faces, Natasha snorts in amusement. Steve lets out a chuckle.

“For the record, Tony,” Steve says, “I _hate_ you.”

It had never quite crossed her mind that she would need any invention to keep a baby from disturbing her during sex, but clearly, it had crossed Tony’s.

“It’s been tested out,” Tony assures her, nudging Pepper in the process. “It works. The programming is _perfect_.” Pepper blushes.

“I can’t believe you,” Steve shakes his head, but he’s still grinning like an idiot.

“ _Trust me_ , Rogers. You’ll be thanking me later.” Tony has a wicked smile on his face.

Later that night, Steve helps Natasha put all of the gifts away. Bruce and Betty weren’t able to make it to the baby shower, but they did send a really nice set of baby toys and a cute science-themed shirt. She makes a mental note to write them a thank-you note later.

Just when she’s about to settle into bed, Steve stops her. “ _Wait_. I have something for you,” Steve says, as he takes her hand and leads her out of the room.

“Hurry up. I’m fucking _exhausted_ ,” Natasha says, with a yawn. “Everything’s been making me exhausted at this point.”

Steve chuckles and leads her into one of the guest rooms, where a display of canvases are laid around.

Natasha frowns. “What are these?” She notices that they’re all acrylic paintings.

“Paintings that I’ve done,” Steve replies, “I’ve been working on these since the time we were in Russia. They’re all paintings from Russia.”

Natasha looks closer at the paintings and realizes that they’re all familiar sites. The Winter Palace in Saint Petersburg. The Moscow Kremlin. The Altay Mountains. The Anapa beach town. Saint Sophia Cathedral in Novgorod. Lake Baikal. And about a dozen and a half other sites.

“You painted _all_ of these?” Natasha asks in awe. 

Steve nods. “I thought it’d be nice. I know you miss Russia and you don’t get to spend a lot of time there, so I thought I would paint these for you so that you can always have a part of a home with you.”

Natasha’s in disbelief. “That is _so_ sweet.” She inches closer to a painting of Saint Basil’s Cathedral and murmurs, “I don’t think I’ve ever laid eyes on anything so stunning.” She’s absolutely awestruck.

Steve shifts next to her. “ _Natasha_.” He’s quiet when he says it as if he’s trying to calmly let her know that he, in fact, has. It's her. 

“Thank you,” Natasha says, as she holds his hand. “You’re so talented.” She couldn’t believe that Steve did all of this for her. It was the kindest gesture. 

“Anything for you,” Steve says, bringing her hand to his lips to kiss it.

They both have a peaceful sleep. That is, until three in the morning when Natasha asks Steve to get her some fried chicken that she’s craving. 

She’s smiling when he comes back with some snow in his hair, but also a box of hot fried chicken for her. She feasts as Steve watches her with an equally wide grin.

It seems that life is working out in favor of her. 

* * *

Natasha should’ve known that life doesn’t always work out in favor of her. She shouldn’t have thought that everything would go smoothly for her forever.

She thinks this to herself when Sharon mentions to her that she and Rumlow saw Steve at a club. The couple had gone out to have fun when they saw Steve there, having the time of his life. 

“I just thought that I should mention this to you because God knows Rumlow would mention it at a very inappropriate time,” Sharon says on the phone. “I don’t know if it’s really that relevant but I—”

“Thank you for telling me,” Natasha interrupts her. “I appreciate it, Sharon.”

Sharon sighs. “I know that’s probably not something you were looking to hear and I know I don’t know what’s going on between you two but… I hope you guys figure it all out.”

Natasha responds, “Thank you.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Nat. Let me know if you need anything,” Sharon says from the other line.

“Of course. Thanks, S,” Natasha says to her before they both hang up.

Natasha sighs, unsure of what to think. Steve went out to a club last night and he still wasn’t back yet. He had told her that he was gonna be doing stuff all night and probably wouldn’t be back until the morning. She knows that Steve is free to do whatever he pleases and he definitely has every right to have some fun but it still unsettles her.

Steve had gone to a club. Who knows if he drank or did any drugs? Who knows if he hooked up with someone? Natasha knows that she has no right to be mad if Steve hooked up with someone. It’s not like she owns him, but she’s not sure how she feels about the possibility of him doing drugs.

She decides to wait. She sits in the living room, patiently waiting for him to return. Her gaze remains fixed on the elevator doors as she waits for them to part.

Thirty minutes later, Steve returns and Natasha’s chest tightens. He looks just about hungover and disheveled. As he comes closer, Natasha can smell a floral perfume scent from him.

“Hey,” Steve says when he sees her. He runs a hand through his messy hair. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Natasha says back, dully. 

Steve raises a brow at her tone. “Is everything alright?”

“You smell nice.” Her tone is mocking. She looks at him with a disapproving look on her face. “Did you have a good night?”

Steve tenses. He takes a step towards her. “ _Nat_ —”

“ _Save it_ ,” Natasha says, getting up and turning away from him.

“It was one night of fun,” Steve says, grabbing her hand and carefully turning her around. “I wasn’t being irresponsible.”

Natasha looks at him, an incredulous expression on her face. “How can you act like this? Your breath smells like booze and you smell like some woman’s perfume.” She’s not sure what she’s more mad about. The alcohol pisses her off, but the woman’s perfume has her livid.

“I had two drinks. I promise,” he insisted, “I didn’t drink any more than that and I didn’t do any drugs. I’m over the drugs, Nat. You know I do have a drink every now and then.”

Natasha’s face is hard and stoic. “And the perfume?”

Steve sighs and lets go of her hand. “I did sleep with a woman there.”

In her head, Natasha had already known the truth, but hearing it confirmed makes her stomach churn. “You’re a _bastard_.”

“Natasha, would you just listen and—”

“ _No!_ ” Natasha yelps at him. “I’m twenty-eight weeks pregnant with your son, Steve. I’m carrying _your_ goddamn child in my body. You can’t just run off and hook up with random women! Steve, we are the main talking point of all the Manhattan elite. Someone could tip you off and do you know how badly that’s gonna reflect on the both of us?!” 

She knows that Sharon and Rumlow aren’t gonna say anything and she’s grateful that she can trust them.

“ _Look_ , I’m sorry, Nat. I know it wasn’t a good idea, but it was just this one time. I _swear_. I just—” Steve reaches out for her.

She takes a step back. “Don’t touch me. _Don’t_ fucking touch me with the hands that you touched some other woman with.” She rests a hand on her stomach and narrows her eyes at him. “Were you just so annoyed with me that you had to go out and seek company? Are you _really_ that much of an asshole?”

Maybe she’s being unreasonable but the pregnancy is making her hormonal so she doesn’t care.

Steve looks offended and his voice raises. “You don’t _own_ me, Natasha! You and I aren’t together so you can’t get mad at me for having a one night stand.”

“You’re the fucking father of my child,” Natasha growls at him.

“But we’re _not_ together,” Steve snaps back at her. “You made sure of that. We never agreed to be loyal to each other in that way.”

Natasha feels like she’s been slapped in the face. “What the _hell_ , Steve? Do you even hear what you’re saying?”

Steve looks unfazed. “You know that I’m in love with you. You know that if you could have me right now if you asked for it, but you don’t feel the same way. You don’t want to be anything with me, so what’s wrong with me having sex with other women? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just for fun.”

“You can always have sex with me,” Natasha shouts at him.

“You said no sex a few weeks ago because you were getting too big,” Steve says, defensively.

“That wasn’t permission for you to just go out and put yourself out there,” Natasha argues.

Steve looks at her and shakes his head. “Okay. _Fine_ . I’m sorry for going out to a party and hooking up with another woman while you were here alone, but you have no right to be _this_ mad. You act like I cheated on your or something.”

“You’re supposed to be completely loyal to _me_ ,” Natasha says, icily, “How could you do that?”

“We’re not dating, Natasha,” Steve fires back, “You know I’ll always be here for you and that I’m in this with you forever because of our son, but we are _not_ together. You can’t control what I do.”

Natasha shakes her head. “You’re an asshole. You’re so fucking _twisted_ and I—”

“Why do you care so much?” Steve snaps, “I fucked up. _Alright_. But you act like I really did a number on you. Like I said, you know damn well that I’m in love with you. You know that anything I have with any other woman will just be a meaningless hookup. You have me wrapped around your finger so why is it a problem that I had a one night stand? It’s not like you’ve ever given me the time of day at all before. What is it to you now?”

Natasha’s breathing is becoming heavier. “You said it would always be me. You said—”

“I _did_ ,” Steve interrupts her, “but look where we are now. Over six years of me being in love with you and yet you haven’t returned the feelings. I don’t owe you anything, Natasha.”

“Then, _leave!_ ” Natasha yells at him, “You don’t have to fucking be here. We’re not fucking together. I don’t need you here.”

Steve looks at her, with a dark look in his eyes. “You do, Nat. You _do_ need me.”

“ _No_ ,” Natasha says in denial. “We just fuck each other up.”

“That’s because you don’t try,” Steve hisses at her. “All these years and you still put zero effort into us.”

“Because there isn’t an _us!_ ” Natasha spits. 

Steve cocks his head. “Then, why are you so mad? There isn’t an us. I’m free to do what I want. You’re free to do what you want.”

Natasha has so many thoughts running in her head that she couldn’t even think properly. “I’m seven months pregnant with your child and I’m sitting at home, preparing for his arrival while you’re out in a club.”

“I’m a man with needs,” Steve says, “I can only take so much shit from you before I lose it.”

She understands that he’s angry but the words still hurt. She knows that there’s some truth to them, but she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“Just _go_ ,” Natasha says, pointing to the elevator. “Fucking _get out_ , Steve. I can’t even look at you. I can’t—”

“You can’t face the truth,” Steve cuts her off. “It’s been months and you’re still hiding. I thought that being pregnant meant that you were gonna start being honest with yourself, especially because you couldn’t just run anymore. I actually believed that you were gonna be able to face reality and deal with your issues front hand.”

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Natasha mutters, turning away from him.

Steve shakes his head. “ _No_. I’ve done everything that I could to show you I love you, minus last night. I’ve been patient with you for years and now, I realize that I’ve been too patient.”

Natasha groans.

“You’re a reckless mess. Nothing new, but I just had to say it aloud. You run and hide when things aren’t going your way. You don’t even think about the consequences behind your self-medication,” Steve says, “You never even thought about how you affected me. I was there for you during your whole Bruce ordeal and I still comforted you while being in love with you when I knew that you would just go back to Bruce. I dealt with all of that. Meanwhile, I have a one night stand once and you act like your whole world is falling apart.”

“I’m _pregnant_ ,” she snaps. “That makes things different.”

“I know it does,” Steve says, “but that doesn’t change the fact that you still hide. You don’t run now, but you still hide. You don’t truly let me in, but you still use me as a shoulder to cry on.”

“It’s not my fault if you choose to stay,” Natasha argues, “Everything you do is your own choice.”

Steve sighs. “You still don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Natasha sounds impatient. 

Steve shakes his head. “I think it’s best if we give each other some space. We both need it.”

Natasha doesn’t argue. He’s right about that. “Get out of here.”

“If you do need me, you know how to contact me.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at him. “Get the _fuck_ out of here. You _infuriate_ me.”

“As do you to me,” Steve exclaims, “but you just don’t understand. You won’t bother to think. You have your head so fucking high up in the clouds that you don’t even realize how unfair you’re being. You _use_ me. You’re being a bitch, you know that.”

Before Natasha can respond, he exits the penthouse. She watches him leave and she feels tears forming at the ends of her eyes.

She doesn’t know why his words hurt so much. She knows that she’s not in love with him. She knows that she couldn’t possibly be jealous.

At least that’s what she thinks.

* * *

She and Steve haven’t seen each other since their argument. They’re both too stubborn to face each other. Natasha tries not to think about it. She tries to occupy her mind by thinking about baby clothes and toys.

She knows that Steve’s still curious about her condition so she texts Wanda a few updates per day and she sends those updates to Bucky who sends them to Steve. It’s pathetic, really, but she doesn’t want to face Steve.

In the back of her head, Natasha knows that Steve has a point, but she also knows that she’s not completely in the wrong either. She also has too much pride to apologize.

Bucky tries to change that.

Natasha groans as Bucky continues to rant about how annoyingly stubborn she and Steve have been.

“No, _seriously_ , Nat. No offense, but you and Steve have become my least favorite topic of discussion,” Bucky says, “Whenever Wanda and I are in bed together, all she does is talk and talk about it. I haven’t had sex in _three days!_ This is a _serious_ concern!”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “That sounds like a personal problem, Barnes.”

Bucky huffs. “You need to fix things with Steve. He’s walking around my penthouse like a kicked puppy and every time someone brings you up, he gets pissed off.”

“Why is he at your penthouse?”

“Because he doesn’t want his parents to know you two are fighting and to be honest, that was a good idea because you don’t want to get them involved.”

From what Bucky’s been saying though, Steve probably didn’t tell him the specifics of their fight and she’s grateful for that. 

Natasha knows that he’s right. 

Bucky starts again, “Can’t you two just try to talk it out again? It’s been a few days so you guys have calmed down a bit.”

“It’s not easy, Bucky,” Natasha says.

“Like anything comes easy with you, Romanoff.” Bucky rolls his eyes. “Why can’t you just fall in love with the dude and get married to him and ride off into the sunset?”

“Because this isn’t a fucking _fairytale_ ,” Natasha scoffs.

Bucky sighs. “I know, but that would make our lives so much easier. You feel what you feel, but you know what I mean.”

“I love him. I do. I thought that’d be enough,” Natasha says. 

“It was,” Bucky says, “but I don’t think it will be anymore.”

“That’s not my fault.” She’s adamant about that.

“You’re right, but you also that it’s unfair for him.”

Natasha shrugs. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Bucky.”

“I know you’re mad. He’s mad at you too, but you guys can’t keep this in. I’m not gonna ask you to fall in love with him, even though that’d be nice. I’m asking you now to talk to him. Try to sort things out,” Bucky says, gently.

“We’re never gonna be able to sort things out if he stays in love with me,” Natasha insists.

“Give him a chance,” he says, echoing what Bruce had told her. “If it doesn’t work out, then at least you two can be mature about it and move on. If you guys keep playing this game, it’s not gonna end up better.”

Natasha sighs.

Bucky looks at her sympathetically and pulls her into an awkward side hug. “I’m sorry that this is so hard, Nat. I wish it could be easier but this requires a lot of effort, whether you like it or not.”

“I know,” she murmurs. 

He lets go of her and sighs. “It’s just that Steve’s like my brother and I hate to see him in these circumstances. I want him to be happy.”

“I know,” she repeats herself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Bucky says, shaking his head. “I want you to be happy too.”

Natasha nods.

“He’s a great guy, Natasha. Steve’s the best man I know. I don’t know why you two fought, but whatever it was, just don’t forget how good of a guy Steve is,” Bucky says, “He’s so in love with you. Please don’t forget that.”

Natasha says, “Of course.”

Bucky smiles at her and wishes her well, before exiting her penthouse. 

The conversation doesn’t make her feel better. It makes her want to run.

“You guys need to talk,” Wanda says later that day. “If you guys don’t work this out now, it’s gonna get harder and harder.”

“Your boyfriend already said all this to me,” Natasha says.

Wanda looks unfazed. “And clearly he didn’t get the point through so I’m doing it now.”

“It’s gonna be hard no matter what,” Natasha grumbles, as she eats a third slice of chocolate cake.

Wanda sighs. “That’s true, but _still_. You two need to talk this out.”

“You have like two to three months left until this baby is born,” Wanda says, “and knowing you two, you guys might not talk at all until after you pop out this kid. And you know that’s not good.”

Natasha sighs. “He pissed me off. He really pissed me off.”

She didn’t tell Wanda the specifics of the fight and she’s relieved because she doesn’t want to get into it. 

“Whatever it is, you guys have to sort it out,” Wanda reasons with her, “if not for the two of you, but for the sake of your son.”

“It’s not easy,” Natasha huffs.

“ _Surprise, surprise_ ,” Wanda drawls, sarcastically. She looks at her with a concerned look on her face. “Natasha, this is serious. Have you given it any thought at all? What you’re gonna do…”

Natasha looks away from her. “You’re not gonna like the idea.”

Wanda’s silent for a minute as realization hits. “ _Please_ tell me you’re not thinking of doing what I think you want to do.”

“ _Wanda_ …”

“You _can’t_.” Wanda shakes her head. “I refuse to let you leave.”

“I’m sorry, Wanda.”

“I know that things are bad between you two, but it can’t be that bad that you want to run again. You know better now,” Wanda says.

Natasha shakes her head. “I don’t think I do.”

“ _Yes_ , you do,” Wanda insists, “You know damn well that this isn’t as bad as you think. You know it’s just your hormones fucking with you.”

Natasha sighs. “I can’t do this with Steve anymore.”

“Why? What’s changed?” Wanda asks. “Because I’ve known you and Steve and your weird relationship for years and I can’t imagine why it’s suddenly made you want to run.”

“I’m not done finding myself. There’s still more soul searching I have to do,” Natasha tries to explain.

Wanda looks at her in disbelief. “It’s been almost six years of you doing this, Nat. Leaving New York did nothing for you. Coming back did. These past six months have been so good for you.”

Natasha swallows her breath. “It’s not meant to last.”

Wanda doesn’t say anything. Instead, she takes a deep breath and weakly asks, “Why aren’t we enough for you? Why do you _always_ have to leave?”

“ _Wanda_ —.” Her heart drops.

“You’ve been my best friend for _twelve_ years,” Wanda says, a sad look in her eyes. “But ever since we graduated from high school, you’ve been distant and listen, I understand the whole finding yourself thing. I know figuring out your identity is hard, but you’ve become such a different person and you won’t let me catch up. You always run before I can try to understand what’s new and you leave me behind every time. 

Natasha’s chest tightens.

“I want to be there for you, Nat. We all do, but we can’t if you just leave every time,” Wanda says, “I know getting lost in a new place can help, but we can’t just follow you around.”

Natasha sighs. “Wanda, I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. I know I’ve been selfish, but you need to know that I’m forever thankful for you. For all of you. I just… running is all I know. It’s what I’m most comfortable with.”

“I want you to stay,” Wanda says. “Let us help you. Let us be there for you.”

Natasha inhales. “I shouldn’t be everyone’s problem.”

“You’re right, but you shouldn’t be alone,” Wanda says. “It doesn’t make any of us feel good to see you struggling.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Natasha says, softly.

“Don’t apologize.” Wanda holds her hand, comfortingly. “Just _please_ … don’t go. Stay here and talk it out with Steve. He loves you so much, Nat. He just wants to be there for you.”

Natasha sighs. “I don’t know how to fix things with him. I can’t give him what he wants.”

Wanda cocks her head. “I’m not sure if I agree with that.”

Natasha frowns. “What do you mean?”

Wanda purses her lips for a moment before saying, “That’s not important now. Right now, you need to figure out what you’re gonna do with Steve.”

“I’m still mad at him,” Natasha says, “I don’t forgive him.”

“That’s fine,” Wanda says, “but you know that you can’t be mad forever. He can’t be mad forever. You need to figure out how you can try to settle that.”

Natasha sighs. “This is so annoying.”

She knows it’s time that she tries to follow Bruce’s advice. And Bucky’s. And Wanda’s. 

* * *

A few days later, she gets roped into showing up to some charity gala that the Rumlow family is hosting. She probably would have for sure gone if she hadn’t been pregnant, but with a stomach bigger than Russia, she had been considering staying home. Until Tony basically made her come.

“It’ll be _fun_ , red,” Tony says to her, “besides, it’s a free eat-all-you-want service and I know you’re into that shit now.” He gestures to her thirty-weeks pregnant stomach.

“ _Tony!_ ” Pepper yelps, slapping his shoulder. “Shut _up!_ ”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Permission to murder him with a fork?”

“Permission granted,” Pepper says, as they arrive at the Rumlow townhouse.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Natasha grumbles. The limo door opens and Tony offers his hand as she waddles out of the limo.

“Dr. Cho said you could still come to these events for the next six weeks so it’s not like you had an excuse to say no,” Tony says, with a shrug.

Natasha glares at him.

“Besides, the Rumlows throw the tamest galas ever. You won’t be disturbed,” Tony adds, as he and Pepper escort her into the building. She feels like such a child.

People stare at her as she enters the townhouse and she tries not to feel awkward in the spotlight. 

“Steve’s over there with Sam and Maria,” Pepper whispers to her, pointing towards their left.

She makes eye contact with Steve. This is the first time she’s seen him since their argument.

Steve walks over to her and there are no signs of anger in his demeanor. He looks genuinely concerned for her. He gently touches her wrist. “Are you okay? I’m sorry everyone’s staring at you.”

It isn’t like she hadn’t been expecting this. As her pregnancy progressed, she knew that people were becoming more and more interested in her and her relationship with Steve. She just tried to not think about that. 

“It’s fine,” Natasha insists, as she leads him away from the center of attention towards the wall. She stays silent for a brief second and avoids his glance and the stares she’s getting from the mass of people at the party. “They’re probably wondering what’s going on with us.”

Steve pauses and looks away from her. “Let them wonder.” His tone is almost dull. 

Natasha swallows. He had been vague but she couldn’t help but believe that he doesn’t think they’ll ever patch things up. She’s not sure if she’s allowed to feel offended and discouraged. 

“Let’s just enjoy the night,” she says. “No drama.”

Steve returns her gaze. “Of course. _Besides_ , it’s a Rumlow gala. It should be boring.”

“I’m offended,” Rumlow says from behind them with Sharon next to him. “Come on, Rogers. You know my parents.”

“Yeah, you’re nothing like them,” Steve says, before snorting in amusement.

Sharon flashes Natasha a curious glance to which Natasha shrugs at.

“You’re looking great, Romanoff. How many weeks is it now?” Rumlow asks, looking down at her stomach.

“Thirty,” Natasha responds, “We’re getting closer.”

Rumlow pats Steve on the back with a wide grin on his face. “ _Wow_ , Rogers. Didn’t think you’d be the first to reproduce.” He gestures towards Natasha’s stomach. “Got any name ideas for the little tyke?”

“Nothing set in stone. Everything’s up in the air,” Steve replies.

Truthfully, they haven’t really discussed names. They’ve had very brief conversations about it, but nothing stood out to them as a good name.

“Well, you know that Brock is a _very_ nice name. Brock Rogers has a nice ring to it,” Rumlow says, teasingly.

Sharon scoffs. “Yeah, _right_.”

Brock kisses her forehead and says, “Well, I gotta go greet more people. Have a good time, you two.” 

Sharon smiles at them both and follows Rumlow into another room.

Natasha raises a brow. “We can agree that Brock is not an option, right?”

“ _Definitely_ ,” Steve nods. “Just like Tony, Thor, Loki, Sam, Bucky, Pietro, Rhodey, and Clint.”

“ _Good_ ,” Natasha says. She doesn’t know what to say after that.

Steve’s silent for a moment, before saying, “Listen, we need to talk. Now isn’t the best time, but we need to.”

Natasha nods. “I know.” She’s glad he brought it up because she certainly didn’t want to. 

He offers his arm to her. “We should go find our table.” He carefully leads her through the hoards of people and she flashes smiles at some of the people who say kind things to her. She ignores some of the judgmental stares she gets from other people.

Rhodey, Wanda, Bucky, Tony, Pepper, Sam, and Maria are sitting at their table. At the table near theirs, Clint and Bobbi are looking at something on his phone when he notices Natasha. He smiles at her. Natasha smiles back. Clint and Bobbi are sitting with Thor, Jane, Loki, Pietro, and Darcy Lewis. From the name places, she could see that Rumlow and Sharon were seated there too. 

“I can’t believe you came,” Maria says, as Natasha takes a seat. “You’re over seven months.”

“Not full term yet,” Natasha says, “I still have six weeks to do whatever the hell I want.”

“Ah, _yes_ ,” Rhodey says with an amused grin on his face. “I’m sure this charity dinner is more fun than sleeping or watching movies back at the penthouse.”

Natasha sticks her tongue out at him. “I’m _very_ passionate about the environment, Rhodey.”

The rest of the dinner goes by smoothly. The Rumlows allow Natasha to eat as much food as she wants and she takes full advantage of that.

“You ate more than Bucky,” Sam says in awe. “ _Damn_. Pregnancy is really doing something to you.”

“Fuck off, Wilson,” Natasha snaps at him, peeling off the wrapper of a cupcake. “I’m eating for two.”

The night, itself, is going fine. There’s music playing and people are dancing around the massive Rumlow townhouse. People are conversing with each other and getting drinks from the bar. To Natasha’s relief, people have stopped staring at her. It’s much easier to enjoy the night now. 

Natasha engages in small talk with all her friends and Steve does the same. They don’t actually talk to each other. 

At least, until Alexei Shostakov shows up with Johann Schmidt. Everyone quiets down when they see two of the most ruthless businessmen in Manhattan walk into the room. 

“Steven Rogers,” Schmidt drawls as he snakes towards the banking heir. “How _lovely_ to see you.”

“And you as well, Ms. Romanoff,” Shostakov says to Natasha, who’s standing half a foot away from Steve.

Steve and Natasha mutter their greetings. 

“How are things going with the trading business? I heard you took over it after your parents passed. My _sincerest_ condolences. I wish I had been able to attend the funeral,” Schmidt says.

Natasha had never really liked either man. She didn’t know them personally but she had met them at charity galas and other events that the Manhattan elite attended. They weren’t exactly warm and kind and Natasha had heard many rumors in the past about how absolutely _shitty_ they are.

“Good,” Natasha replies, simply. “Steve’s father has been working a lot with me.”

“ _Interesting_.” Shostakov asks, “How are your parents, Rogers? We’ve been working in Dubai for the past six months. Haven’t kept much contact with the people here.”

“Just fine,” Steve replies and from the tone of his voice, Natasha can tell that he doesn’t quite like them either. “They’re in Los Angeles for work.”

“A shame,” Schmidt says, “I would’ve loved to speak with them.” His eyes wander over to Natasha and then at her stomach. “I _did_ hear, though, that you’re now with child, Ms. Romanoff. _Congratulations_.” He looks at Steve. “To the both of you.”

Natasha nods. “Thank you.” She knows that the room is completely silent and that everybody is staring at them and listening to their conversation. 

“Are you two together, though? I don’t see a ring,” Shostakov asks.

Natasha feels Steve tense next to her. She licks her lips and shakes her head. “No. We are not.”

“A child out of _wedlock?_ ” Schmidt has an incredulous expression on his face. “Andrei and Anna must be rolling in their graves right now. And your parents,” he raises a brow towards Steve, “they’re okay with this?”

Steve’s eyes narrow at the two. “ _Yes_. They’ve been very accepting.” He quickly glances at Natasha and shoots a glare at the direction where he can hear some people snickering. 

Shostakov snorts in amusement. “I always knew Joseph and Sarah were a little out of the wire.”

Natasha’s nose wrinkles at the comment.

“Times change. We change with them,” Steve says, icily.

“ _That_ I can see,” Schmidt says, gesturing to Natasha. “I’ve heard a lot about the sole Romanoff heiress for over five years. Definitely a… _free soul_.”

Natasha raises a brow. “Is that meant to be an insult, Mr. Schmidt?” From the corner of her eye, she can see their friends looking at them in concern.

“Just a comment,” Schmidt notes. “You’ve been a wild one, from what I heard. Underage drinking. Partying in every corner of the world. Shooting up drugs like there’s no tomorrow. Running away from your problems every time. I heard you even turned down an offer to attend Yale in order to party around the world.”

“A free soul,” Shostakov says, “I was always surprised that your parents allowed you to act in such a way.”

More people laugh. 

Natasha feels her chest tighten. She opens her mouth to defend herself, but Steve beats her to it.

“I don’t see why this is any of your concern, Mr. Schmidt. Mr. Shostakov,” Steve says, “Natasha and I have an agreement as to how this works.”

Shostakov begins to pace around. “The Romanoff fortune has not grown since the deaths of Andrei and Anna. It has simply maintained its numbers, although, I suppose we should credit that to Joseph Rogers. “It makes me wonder what the true nature of your relationship is.”

“Sir, we can have this discussion in private,” Natasha speaks up, impatiently. She’s dealt with criticism before, but she doesn’t want to listen in public. 

“It won’t take long,” Shostakov says, shaking his head.

“You’re not working much, from what I have heard,” Schmidt says, “I heard that you came back to New York less than a year ago with Steven. The timing is interesting.”

Natasha cocks her head. “What are you trying to say?”

Schmidt shrugs. “It’s not unusual to see a disillusioned lost cause of an heiress cling onto someone wealthy and successful and attempt to trap him in her web.”

Natasha remembers the Black Widow nickname. It was all because she was wild, though. Her breathing becomes heavier as she tries to not let her stupid pregnancy hormones make her vulnerable. 

“Mr. Schmidt, if you’re implying that Natasha—” Steve sounds like he’s getting angry.

“Not an implication,” Shostakov interrupts him. “Just a comment, like we said. We have all heard plenty of stories about Natasha Romanoff. We know very well just how much of a trainwreck she has become in our society. It’s quite _embarrassing_.”

Natasha’s stomach churns and she swallows her breath. She hears more people laughing and tries to tune it out. 

“Running around with a _whore_ ,” Schmidt says disapprovingly. “I would have thought the only heir to the Rogers family would know better. I respect Andrei and Anna Romanoff, but the child they raised has completely gone off the rails. You can do better than this, Steven. Having a bastard with her is embarrassing. You—”

Steve punches Schmidt in the face. Before Shostakov can react, Steve punches him too. 

Natasha hears people gasp behind her. She feels someone grab her wrist and she looks to see Sharon with an angered expression on her face.

Behind her, Rumlow walks towards Steve and separates him from Schmidt and Shostakov.

“Come on. You don’t need to be here,” Sharon says to her and she leads her away from the scene. Pepper, Maria, and Wanda follow them.

Behind them, she could hear Rumlow saying, “ _Hey, hey, hey_. I understand, Steve. I understand! But it’s not worth it.”

Before she knows it, the tears are spilling out of her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Natasha,” Sharon murmurs to her, as she opens a door. 

Natasha looks and sees a bedroom. She assumes that it belongs to Rumlow. 

“Are you okay? Do you want anything?” Pepper asks as she and Maria help Natasha settle onto the bed.

Natasha doesn’t respond. She just cries. She hates crying because it makes her feel weak but the tears just come out.

Maria, Pepper, Wanda, and Sharon quickly seem to understand that Natasha just wants to cry it all out so they sit with her, murmuring comforting words to her as she bawls.

A knock on the door grabs her attention. Natasha looks up and sees Rumlow in the doorway. He has a cut on his face and his hair’s messed up. “Hey, Natasha. I’m _so_ so sorry. My parents apologize too. If we had known they were going to say all that horrible shit, we wouldn’t have let them come.”

She shakes her head and wipes a tear off of her cheek. “It’s fine. Really.”

“They put up a nasty fight but Thor and Bucky managed to get them out of the property,” Rumlow says. “Steve got kind of bruised up by Shoskatov, but he’s fine. He wanted me to ask you if you were okay with coming to see you.”

Natasha nods. “Of course.”

Rumlow nods back at her. 

“We’ll give you two some alone time,” Wanda says, slipping off the edge of the bed. “Call us if you need us.”

She nods as they exit the room with Rumlow. She waits for a minute when Steve comes in, with a couple of cuts on his face.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks as he sits next to her.

“I should be asking you that,” Natasha says. She looks at the cuts on his cheek. 

He wipes a tear off of her face. “My face will heal. Schmidt just wears pointy rings.” He caresses her cheek. “They said such awful stuff. I’m so sorry. I know that was humiliating.”

It _was_. 

Natasha would definitely consider herself to be a strong person and she historically never gave a fuck about what people thought of her, but the implications of what Schmidt and Shoskatov said really did hurt. It made her feel horrible.

“I’m sure they just expressed how pretty much most people in Manhattan think of me,” Natasha says. “A _whore_. A _lost cause_.” She sniffles. 

Steve shakes his head. “ _No_. Forget what they said. It was all bullshit. You’re more than what they think you are. You matter _so_ much more.” He wipes another tear off of her cheek.

“But they have the right idea,” Natasha insists, looking away from him. “What the hell am I, Steve? A mess. A fucking _mess_. Everyone has their life planned out and paved except me.”

“We’ve talked about this before, Nat,” Steve says. “You can’t beat yourself up just because you don’t go through the traditional route.”

“I don’t know what route I’m going through at all,” Natasha says. “And _everybody_ knows that. Everybody thinks of me as a fucked-up whore. I’m the example that parents use when they’re teaching their kids to be good socialites.”

Steve touches her wrist and gently holds her hand. “Don’t think like that and you know what? Even if people do think like that, fuck them. They don’t matter because they don’t know you at all. But _I_ do. Bucky and Wanda and Tony and Pepper and the rest of us do. Even then, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you. Your opinion matters most.”

“I just… I don’t want my reputation to cause any problems,” Natasha says.

“He was just saying bullshit,” Steve says, assuringly, “I don’t believe the crap he said at all. I love you. I don’t feel that I’m ‘trapped’ or whatever to you. I genuinely love you.”

Natasha sighs. “I know you do.” She’s suddenly getting flashbacks to their last conversation. “Listen, I’m sorry about what I said last time. I was out of line.”

“So was I. I acted out of line too,” Steve says, quietly. “I’m sorry. Going to the club and sleeping with that other woman was a mistake. I fucked up.”

Natasha shook her head. “No. I understand. It’s not something I’m particularly keen on but I do, at the very least, get it. We should have just talked it all out. I shouldn’t have just exploded and I’m sorry.”

“You can’t be sorrier than I am,” Steve says, giving her hand a squeeze. “You’re seven months pregnant with my kid. I know it’s not easy at all and I should’ve known better.” 

“I just… I don’t want us to fight anymore. We really have to communicate with each other,” Natasha says. “We’re gonna have a _baby_ in two months and we can’t just run away from our problems and drown our sorrows as we’ve done in the past. We have to actually talk to each other and I know that, in the past, that’s on me, but I just need to say it.”

Steve nods. “I get it. We have to be real with each other.”

“ _Exactly_ because this isn’t a fairytale,” Natasha says. “I want us to work out, Steve. I don’t want us to hate each other.”

“We'll never hate each other,” Steve assures her with a curt nod. His hand is on her stomach and the baby kicks directly where his hand is. “I don’t want anything more than being a family with you and our son.”

Natasha couldn’t help it. She started crying again.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks with an alarmed expression on his face. 

“It’s this damn _boy_ ,” Natasha whines, resting a hand on her stomach. “Making me _so_ fucking emotional. _God_.” She chokes out a laugh. “I really _am_ a mess.”

“We all are,” Steve says, as he plants a kiss on the top of her head. “I actually wanted to ask you if you were interested in a little trip.”

Natasha frowns. “To where? When?”

“Paris. _Now_ ,” he replies.

Her brows furrow. “As in France?”

“Where else? Valentine’s Day is coming up so it’s fitting,” Steve responds, with a cheeky grin on his face. 

Natasha laughs. “You just want to drop everything and go to Paris?”

“There’s nothing to stop us,” Steve says, “I asked Dr. Cho and she says traveling is still fine for another month. _Besides_ , if I ask nicely enough, Tony will let us fly private. We can stay at the Plaza Athenee, the finest hotel in the city. We can just spend a week having a good time with each other away from Manhattan and all of its shit.”

He raises a brow. “Just say yes and I can make it all happen in fifteen minutes. It’s all what you want.”

Natasha looks at his bright blue eyes and then presses a kiss to his cheek. “ _Yes_. Let’s do it.”

She's been wanting to get away. This works. 

* * *

Natasha hasn’t been to Paris for a long time, but she’s never forgotten how much she adores the city. She knows that the city has been romanticized way too much, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a beautiful place.

She’s been having the time of her life for the past few days with Steve. Tony had huffed and puffed when Steve asked to borrow his private jet, but they both knew that Tony was secretly more than excited to let them use it. 

The past few days had been spent exploring some of the less popular tourist spots of Paris. She and Steve had both been to the Eiffel Tower and the Notre Dame and the Arc de Triomphe before and they decided that, especially since she was pregnant, it would be cooler to check out some lesser-known spots.

They ate the finest foods that Natasha’s body would allow and then relaxed in their large suite. Natasha’s definitely been feeling better to have Steve around like this.

Today’s Valentine’s Day and they started the day by taking a train into the French countryside for some peace and quiet. They explored the vineyards and flowers and ate really well before returning to Paris.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Steve says, as he grabs a change of clothes from his duffle bag. “Do you want anything before I do?”

Natasha shakes her head. “Go shower.”

While he’s showering, she takes the time to reflect on her rollercoaster of a life. It was always going up and down and up and down and all the drops were happening when she least expected.

Steve has been nothing but sweet and devoted to her during the past few days. He treats her like a princess even though she knows she’s been annoying at times. He’s seemed to have completely erased any memory of their fight and tends to her whenever he thinks she needs it.

Natasha finds it so strange that he truly cares for her that much. His devotion seems to get stronger by day and Natasha seriously wonders how she hasn’t scared him off yet. It’s not like she’s the most welcoming woman ever. She knows that Steve has told her why he cares for her, but it still doesn’t add up in her head.

She would ask but she didn’t want to risk it. Freaking out under pressure isn’t good for her and she sure as _hell_ didn’t want to experience that. 

She wonders why things were so hard for them. Wanda is pretty similar to herself, minus the lack of direction. Bucky’s pretty much like Steve. Wanda and Bucky are perfect together. Well, they do have their disagreements every now and then, but they’re really good together.

Natasha wonders how it went so right for them. They’ve never had any problems as drastic as her and Steve. She supposes it’s because Wanda isn’t a neurotic dumb bitch. Wanda also isn’t scared of love.

Natasha wasn’t always scared of love. She embraced it when she was with Bruce. She had been in love with him, after all. She just wasn’t sure if she could do it again with another person. With Steve.

She constantly tells herself that she does love Steve. She cares very deeply for him. But she could never tell him that she was in love with him. It just wouldn’t be the truth.

Natasha wants to punch herself in the face. Why is she so fucking difficult? Why couldn’t she just be in love with him? He’s clearly in love with her. He’s been feeling this way long before she became pregnant with his child. 

She’s moved on from Bruce so that can’t be it. She’s happy that Bruce is happy.

It’s not like she’s been surrounded by bad examples of love so that can’t be it either.

What is it?

What’s stopping her from letting her and Steve have peace?

She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. She doesn’t know why she can’t just let herself be happy. If she was fourteen years old again and Steve told her that he liked her, she would have been giddy and eager. But she’s not that fourteen-year-old girl anymore. 

Natasha’s a twenty-four-year-old pile of confusion. She doesn’t know why she won’t give Steve a proper chance. It’s not that hard to have a real conversation with someone, but she doesn’t like stuff like that. It makes her uncomfortable.

She definitely wasn’t immune from that when she was with Bruce. She may have had been in love with him, but she wasn’t any more open to having deep conversations back then compared to now.

Natasha supposes it’s because she never wants to figure out the truth about herself. It’s _pathetic_. She hopes that she’ll get some sense when the baby’s born.

She and Steve still need to have a deep conversation again. She remembers how Steve said that she didn't understand something. Natasha still isn't sure what he meant. She decides that she can stall once more because she's not really looking forward to having another conversation. Pretending things are 100% okay is something she can do for now. 

She’s about to get up to put some lotion on her face when the bathroom door swings open and Steve’s sticking his head out the door with a panicked expression on his face.

“ _Natasha!_ ”

She frowns at him. “Steve? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“We have to get back to New York. Bucky and Sam were in an accident,” Steve says, before slipping back into the bathroom. 

“ _What?_ ” Natasha’s eyes widen as she heads towards the bathroom door. “What happened?”

Steve comes out, now dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. “Tony called. Bucky was dropping Sam off in the Upper East Side for his Valentine’s Day dinner with Maria when someone t-boned the limo. They’re at Lenox Hill. He said that Sam’s not scratched up too bad, but Bucky is. Wanda’s worried sick.”

Natasha gasps and starts shoving her stuff back into her suitcase.

“The jet was in Brussels. Tony’s having it sent to here,” Steve speaks quickly, as he quickly dries his hair with a towel. “We’re gonna take a cab to Charles de Gaulle and hopefully we’ll be at JFK by midnight in New York time.”

They pack their shit quickly and Steve has to deal with the lobby staff so that they’ll allow him to check out early. As Natasha has known since forever, money makes things move faster. They rush to the airport and meet with the Stark family pilot.

Steve holds Natasha closely as they take off in the dark Parisian sky. The view of the city from this height is beautiful and Natasha wishes that it wasn’t coming from unfortunate circumstances.

“How bad is it?” Natasha asks after they’ve been in the air for almost an hour.

“I don’t know,” Steve replies. “Tony was talking really fast on the phone. Bucky was sitting on the side that the other car hit so he has the worst of it.”

He sounds worried and from the solemn look in his eyes, Natasha knows he’s panicking on the inside. He just doesn’t want to show her.

Natasha reaches out to touch his cheek. “It’s gonna be okay, Steve. Sam will be okay. Bucky will be okay. They’re both so strong.”

Steve sighs. “I hope so.”

Eventually, they both fall asleep as the plane starts to trek over the Atlantic. To her surprise, Natasha sleeps comfortably, but she credits that to being on a private plane where she can sleep as she pleases.

Eight hours later, they land in New York and it’s a little past midnight. Natasha grumbles to herself. “Went to bed in the dark, woke up in the dark.”

Customs and immigration fly by and sooner than they know it, they’re in a private car on the way to Lenox Hill Hospital. 

Steve’s chatting up a storm with Tony on his cell phone and Natasha’s talking to Wanda.

“How bad is it?” Natasha asks, gently.

“He came out of surgery and is stable, but he’s still not 100% okay. They’re putting him in a medically induced coma,” Wanda replies and Natasha can tell that she’s close to tears again on the other line.

“Wanda, I am _so_ so sorry. _Oh my God_ ,” Natasha says. “Steve and I will be there soon. We’re crossing the bridge now.”

And once they arrived at Lenox Hill, Natasha waddled in as fast as her belly would allow her. They make it to the waiting area and see all of their friends there.

“I can’t believe you flew all the way here from Paris. You’re _seven months_ pregnant, Natasha,” Thor says to her, as he hands her a cup of tea.

“I couldn’t just sit around and wait,” Natasha says, shaking her head. She takes the cup from him and turns to Pepper, who looks pale. “Where’s Wanda?”

“She’s with Bucky. She wants some alone time with him,” Pepper answers weakly. “It’s bad, Nat. _Really_ bad. His brain is swelling so bad.”

Her throat constricts.

“And Sam?” Steve asks from behind her.

“He’s sleeping in his room. He’s fine. His surgery was minor and it was successful, but he needs his rest,” Pietro responds.

“When are they inducing the coma?” Natasha asks.

“In thirty minutes,” Jane replies. “They don’t know for sure how long it’s gonna last.”

Steve takes a deep breath and sits in the chair next to Tony’s. “ _Oh my God_ …” He buries his face in his hands.

“But the odds… they’re good right?” Natasha asks as her heartbeat speeds up.

“They’re fair,” Rhodey says. “We just have to hope for the best.”

Natasha bites her lip and takes a deep breath. She opens her mouth to say something but then feels a liquid running down her thigh. She stiffens and looks down.

“Nat? Are you alright?” Clint asks.

“I… my water just broke.” She looks back up and sees that everybody is looking at her in shock.

Steve looks like he’s seen a ghost.

“But you’re only thirty-one weeks!” Sharon shrieks.

“I’m in _labor_.” Natasha begins to panic. “Why am I in labor? _It’s too early_. It’s—”

She feels someone grab her hands and she looks to see Loki trying to calm her down. Behind him, Steve orders Maria to find Dr. Cho on a separate floor.

It’s all going too fast and Natasha doesn’t even know who’s saying what to her. She doesn’t say anything as she gets brought down to the maternity ward.

“It’s gonna be premature birth,” Dr. Cho says, assuringly to her. “Don’t panic, Natasha. Your baby is fine. He’s just being born early. Pretty much all preemies born in the thirty-one-week mark end up perfectly fine.”

Steve holds her hand as he caresses her face. “Natasha, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s all gonna be okay. You can do this.”

“I’m having the baby,” Natasha says, breathlessly.

“You’re having the baby,” Steve repeats.

“The labor’s gonna go faster than a typical birth so you’re gonna feel some pain soon,” Dr. Cho says.

And it does. In just a couple hours, Natasha’s ready to push. 

She grips onto Steve’s hand so tight that she thinks she might’ve broken it. Steve’s encouraging her to push harder and keeps saying the sweetest things as she pushes. It hurts but she keeps doing it. 

“Just one more push,” Dr. Cho says, “I can see the head!”

“You can do this, Nat,” Steve says, planting a kiss on her forehead.

She gives one last push and suddenly, she can hear the sound of a baby boy crying. 

This is _real_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i would love to hear your feedback in the comments! i appreciate all of you for your time.
> 
> follow me on twitter: widowfantasies
> 
> xx


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for clicking on my story and for making it this far. this chapter's over 20k words long haha but there was a lot left to happen. i hope you guys enjoy the last chapter!

James Samuel Rogers.

Her son.

Steve’s son.

_ Their _ son. (Natasha had eventually agreed with Steve that Romanoff-Rogers was a mouthful)

Natasha’s in disbelief as she looks at the little bundle lying in the incubator. “He’s so tiny.”

The baby boy has bright blue eyes like Steve and a little bit of strawberry blonde hair. Born at thirty-one weeks, he’s so small and weighs less than five pounds. 

“ _Wow_ ,” Steve murmurs as he looks at James, with a fond look in his eyes.

It’s been one week since James had been born on February 15 and he had been spending pretty much all of that time in the NICU. Natasha and Steve had both been able to hold their son and name him before Dr. Cho recommended that he be admitted into the NICU to ensure that he’ll be ready to go home. 

Luckily for Natasha and Steve, little James is only dealing with short-term complications that are normal in a preemie. The doctors expect them to be able to take their baby home in around a month.

The past week had been hard. It breaks Natasha’s heart to see her son in the incubator and she wishes she could hold him, but she’s glad that she’s allowed to stick a finger in to touch him and it’s even better that her baby is able to hold onto her finger.

She’s been having to pump milk for the past week because James isn’t strong enough to nurse on her own. It’s exhausting. She and Steve stayed at the hospital for five days after his birth, but for the past two days, they’ve been staying at the penthouse. She knows she can’t lay around the hospital forever, but the distance saddens her.

Steve’s been there through it all, making sure she was feeling comfortable and comforting her whenever she starts crying. He’s being so patient with her and Natasha couldn’t be any more grateful.

Their friends had been supportive, as well. Everyone visits the baby whenever they’re allowed to and they check up on them every day. It’s difficult, but it’s good to know that they have a good support system.

Wanda had started crying when she met little James. “Oh, he’s _beautiful_.”

Sam, who was recovering from surgery, had been wheeled by the room. He looked like he was on the verge of tears as he and Wanda looked at the baby.

“His name is James Samuel Rogers,” Steve had said.

Both Wanda and Sam looked at him and Natasha in surprise.

“Bucky’s a fighter,” Natasha had said, “He’s strong and resilient and we wanted to name our son after him. As for Samuel, we really value your friendship, Sam, and you’re such an amazing person. We wanted to give your name as his middle name.”

Sam and Wanda had both started crying.

For the past week, their friends had been cooking them meals and writing letters to James for him to read in the future. They’ve made sure that Natasha and Steve were keeping themselves healthy as they watched their son recover from the consequences of being born early.

Whenever they had the chance to, Steve and Natasha visited Bucky in his room. The doctors had said that the coma would probably last two weeks and that they expected Bucky to be okay when he woke up. It’s necessary for him to be under in order to protect and control the pressure dynamics in his brain. The coma is meant to minimize swelling and inflammation of the brain. Of course, there’s gonna be trauma and difficulties when he wakes up, but they shouldn’t expect anything too horrible. They were relieved about that. The last thing anyone needed was for anything to happen to Bucky. 

It’s not like they don’t already have enough on their plates.

“So, why was he born early?” Steve asks Dr. Cho, after finishing up their visit with James. “Natasha’s been very safe and careful throughout her pregnancy.”

“Well, there are a number of reasons,” Dr. Cho replies. “Most have to do with pregnancy with more than one child, physical trauma, and chronic conditions. However, for you, Natasha, I think a reason is your use of illicit drugs.”

Natasha tenses and gulps. “Dr. Cho, I never used drugs during my pregnancy. I didn’t drink either.”

Steve grabs her hand and runs his thumb over the back of her hand.

“I believe you and that’s wonderful, Natasha, but you have used illicit drugs a lot in the past. Now, I’m not trying to shame you, because you were smart enough to be safe during your pregnancy and as sad as it is, many people in the Manhattan circle of elite all use and abuse drugs. It’s no surprise to me or to anyone. In fact, I honestly would be shocked if you told me you never used drugs before,” Dr. Cho says gently. “However, that’s a reason I believe in. It’s good that you quit during your pregnancy, because then, it could have been much worse for James.”

Natasha buries her face in her hands. “ _Oh my God_. It’s my fault.”

Steve shakes his head and squeezes her hand. “No, it’s not, Natasha. These things just happen. Literally, all of our parents were crackheads and we turned out fine.”

“I also think there’s another reason. Stress. You’ve been dealing with a lot of stress,” Dr. Cho says, looking at her with kind eyes to calm her down. “You told me before you were seeing Dr. Christine Palmer for therapy, so obviously, things haven’t been 100% smooth sailing. Stress can cause problems. It’s very natural and it’s not something to blame yourself over.”

“Maybe not the stress,” Natasha says, “but the drugs and the drinking… that’s all on _me_.”

“I’m not a therapist, so I can only give you unsolicited advice and commentary. Natasha, you’re not the only person in this city who’s had their fair share of wild behavior. I’ve treated many people that your family members and Steve’s family members have rubbed elbows with. There are many of them who’ve abused drugs.” Dr. Cho gestures to Steve. “I remember when this one had to get his stomach pumped when he was fifteen.”

Steve shrugs.

“So, just understand that it’s not just you,” Dr. Cho says. “You’re not in this alone. I know your friends have all had their fair share of struggling. Now, what matters most is recovering from those struggles. From what I know about you, you’re not suffering from addiction. If you were an addict, you would probably have drunk or did drugs during your pregnancy, but you didn’t. You have enough self-control. It’s just that you need to be able to have more self-control.”

“What are you saying then? Rehab?” Natasha asks.

“I think continuing to visit Dr. Palmer is good for you,” Dr. Cho responds. “I know Steve, here, spent some time doing the rehabilitation. He’s a good support system for you. Continue to see Dr. Palmer and rely on your friends. Your case could be much worse.”

Natasha sighs. “Just when I thought I couldn’t have messed myself up any more than I already had.”

Dr. Cho looks at her sympathetically. “Your baby will be okay. You’ll be okay. I _promise_.”

Steve kisses her forehead. “Why don’t we go see Bucky before we go?” He turns to Dr. Cho. “Can we do that?”

Dr. Cho nods. “Of course. Dr. Strange is okay with that. Let me know if you need anything.”

Steve holds Natasha’s hand tightly as they make their way to Bucky’s room.

“Why is my life just one fuck-up after another?” Natasha’s voice is soft and although she doesn’t feel like crying, she trembles.

“Don’t blame this on yourself, Nat,” Steve says, comfortingly. “Our son is gonna be okay. You were the healthiest and smartest that you could’ve been during your pregnancy. It’s unfortunate what happened, but please don’t beat yourself up over this.” They stop in front of the door of Bucky’s room. “I’m so sorry. I know this is really hard. I wish I could make it better, but just understand that it’ll be okay.”

They look through the window and see Bucky, who’s lying comatose on the bed. The cuts on his face are healing and he looks to be in improving condition.

“ _Everything_ will be okay,” Steve finishes.

Natasha takes a deep breath. “I hope he gets to meet James soon.”

“He _will_ ,” Steve assures her. “Bucky will get through this. It could be way worse.” He looks at his longtime best friend and sighs. 

“Poor Wanda…” Natasha murmurs. “I wonder if his parents are doing better.”

“Come on. Being here depresses me,” Steve murmurs. “Thor, Loki, and Jane are making dinner. James and Bucky are both in good hands. We’ll be back tomorrow.” He embraces her and they walk towards the elevator together.

Their night is peaceful. Steve makes her some comfort food, classic macaroni and cheese, and they watch  _ Charlie Brown _ television specials. They don’t talk about sore subjects like their relationship. They stay silent. All is well.

Until Pietro calls. Bucky’s condition has worsened and the coma is set to last longer than usual.

* * *

Four weeks later, Dr. Cho gives them the great news that they can take James home. “He’s a trooper. He’s been doing so well. I thought he’d have to be here for one more week, but he’s ready now.”

“That’s our boy,” Steve says with a relieved smile.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Cho,” Natasha says, gratefully. 

“Of course. Take care, you two,” Dr. Cho says. “Make sure to continue regularly talking to Dr. Palmer. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health.”

One week later (and six weeks after James’ birth, they’ve both met separately with Dr. Palmer several times. Steve seems to be doing well, but Natasha finds herself to be struggling.

“What’s been bothering you lately?” Dr. Palmer asks with genuine concern.

“A lot, actually,” Natasha admits, “I don’t know why.”

“Could you elaborate?”

Natasha swallows her breath. “I’ve been dealing with mood swings. One day, I’m perfectly fine and so happy to spend time with James and Steve and all of our friends. The next day, I just want to cry alone in bed all day. I can get irritated so easily and feel so overwhelmed.”

She had been absolutely ecstatic when she and Steve brought James home. He’s such an angel and looks adorable in the little crib he sleeps in. Everything had been okay for literally one day and then everything crashed in her mind.

She can’t get herself out of bed. She cries and cries out of nowhere. Eating is difficult for her when she has no appetite. She gets pissed at Steve at random times and for the littlest things. She has absolutely no idea why she’s feeling this way when her baby boy is okay. She also knows it’s not fair to lash out at Steve since he’s been upset about Bucky for the past month. 

“Are you eating and sleeping well?” Dr. Palmer questions.

“Not really,” Natasha replies. “I kind of… lost my appetite and I have trouble sleeping, even when James isn’t being disruptive.” She shrugs. “Wanda says it’s probably baby blues.”

“Those  _ are _ the symptoms.” Dr. Palmer nods, “but let me ask you this. How long have you been feeling this way?”

Natasha hesitates and then answers, “A week and a half. I mean, I was upset about James being in the NICU, but I didn’t feel like… really sad until about a week and a half ago.”

“Are you finding it difficult to bond with James? Do you fear that you’re not a good mother? Do you feel hopeless or inadequacy?”

Natasha’s stomach churns. She licks her lips and replies, “I… _actually_ … yes.” She pauses and asks, “Is there something wrong with me?”

She should’ve known. Her carelessness and overthinking in the past caused her son to be born earlier than he should’ve been. She’s a fuck up. This is who she is. 

Dr. Palmer purses her lips for a second and straightens her posture. “I’m not the person that diagnoses this, but I think it’s possible that you’re suffering from postpartum depression.”

Natasha frowns. “What?”

“Postpartum depression,” Dr. Palmer repeats. “It’s common for mothers, and sometimes fathers, to deal with after having a baby.”

“Depression? I’m… postpartum depression?” She’s struggling to process it.

“It usually happens when there’s a drop in hormones after childbirth or when you’re dealing with emotional issues,” Dr. Palmer elaborates. “Most of the risk factors are a history of mental illness, lots of stress, problems with a significant other, weak support systems… stuff like that. It’s not something rare.”

Natasha doesn’t know what to say.

“Again, this isn’t something I necessarily diagnose. Your doctor should do it and then, usually, I’m one of the people that you may talk to when getting treatment,” Dr. Palmer adds.

She sighs and looks at Natasha with a knowing look. “I understand this is hard, but you should really see Dr. Cho and get an opinion.”

“How can I raise a child, fix my relationship with Steve, and deal with this new life of mine if I’m suffering from depression? It’ll hold me back.” Natasha sighs and shuts her eyes.

While Natasha’s been feeling like shit, Steve’s been perfectly fine. He spends every moment he can with James and always has a wide grin on his face. He deals with Natasha’s mood swings without a complaint and never seems to quit at cheering her up. She wishes she was like him.

“Well, you’re lucky,” Dr. Palmer replies. “You have access to the finest doctors that are going to help you. You have an amazing support system with your friends. You have everything you need to get better.”

“Why does this stuff always happen to me?” Natasha opens her eyes. “Why can’t I ever catch a break?”

Dr. Palmer sighs. “These things can just happen, Natasha. No one is immune from feeling like this.”

“How is Steve gonna deal with me? We’re already on rocky water,” Natasha huffs. “We still have so much to talk about.”

“Steve will help you,” Dr. Palmer assures her. “I’ve talked to him enough times to know that he’s a great guy. You have to let him help you, but this isn’t about Steve. This is about _yourself_.”

_God_ , why couldn’t life just go easy for her?

She doesn’t tell Steve why she wants to go see Dr. Cho. She shakes her head when he asks if there’s something wrong with James. When he asks if there’s something wrong with her, she ignores the question and tells him to call a cab. Pietro rushes over from his new apartment in the building to watch James while they’re gone. 

Natasha tells him to stay silent during the ride to Lenox Hill. He respects her wishes but holds her hand tightly as they make their way to the hospital.

She breaks down as she’s explaining what’s on her mind to Dr. Cho. Steve rubs her back comfortingly as Natasha elaborates. “What’s wrong with me?” She chokes on a sob. “My son is healthy and at home. Why do I feel like everything’s going wrong in my life?”

Dr. Cho observes her and asks her a series of questions, before confirming what Dr. Palmer had guessed.

“Postpartum depression,” she says. “It’s very common. It doesn’t last too long most of the time.”

“How do we treat it?” Steve asks with a concerned expression. He wipes a remaining tear off of her cheek.

“Psychotherapy,” Dr. Cho replies. “Dr. Palmer is good at the stuff. Therapy is always good to try to cope with your feelings. Another thing is antidepressants.”

Natasha looks up at her. “I don’t know if pills are a good idea for me.”

Dr. Cho nods. “I understand that, but it can help. Since it’s medicine, it’ll enter your breast milk, but they have little to no risk of causing any side effects for James. Steve can help make sure you don’t spiral out of control. Besides, you’ve been clean for a while now. I trust you still have self-control.”

“I hope.”

“You do,” Steve assures her, kissing the top of her head. “You have me, Natasha. You have _all_ of us.”

“And it’s good that you have all of them because it’s important that you continue to make healthy lifestyle choices. You have to be able to set realistic expectations for yourself as you recover. You have to be able to make time for yourself. You can’t do this alone, though. Isolation doesn’t help at all. You need the help from your support system,” Dr. Cho says. 

Natasha’s chest tightens and sighs. 

“Postpartum depression isn’t a character flaw or a weakness, Natasha. It’s just a complication from giving birth. You gave birth nine weeks earlier than we had expected. It’s understandable. You just have to be treated and you’ll be _okay_.” Dr. Cho turns to the computer on the desk.

Steve reaches for Natasha’s hands. “You’ll get through this, Nat. I won’t let you suffer. I’m here for you.”

And he has been.

Natasha would spend as much time with James as she could until she couldn’t handle it anymore.

“He’s _beautiful_ ,” she murmurs, as she caresses his tiny head.

“He has your nose,” Steve notes, laying next to her on the bed, “but my eyes.”

“A shame,” Natasha says. “The Romanoff green eyes have died out.”

“There’s still you. You have stunning eyes,” Steve assures her. He pauses. “How are you feeling right now?”

Natasha sighs, rolling onto her back. “Like death.”

Getting out of bed is hard for her. Her lower back throbs and she had been dealing with so much shoulder pain earlier. She didn’t feel like eating anything and has been spending a lot of time in bed. Mustering up the energy to hold James or to walk around the penthouse has been difficult. There had been a lot of spontaneous crying. She takes her antidepressants as ordered and she finds it to be helping. The pain is improving, but it’s still there.

“Do you want to sleep?” Steve asks, gently. “I can take James to another room.”

Natasha nods. “That’d be great.”

Steve looks at her sympathetically and caresses her cheek softly. “Okay. I’ll be right out if you need anything.”

It doesn’t take long for Natasha to fall asleep. It’s what she’s been doing best lately.

She sleeps.

And sleeps.

And sleeps.

She wakes up a couple of hours and sees that the sun has set outside. She doesn’t feel like getting up so she lays in bed in silence.

She hears Steve’s ringtone outside of the room and the sound of feet shuffling.

“Hello?” Steve says. “Oh, hey, Tony.”

Natasha knows eavesdropping is wrong, but she doesn’t care.

“She’s fine. Or well… she’s better. She doesn’t leave the penthouse at all. She still doesn’t eat as much as I think she should but she’s eating a little more each day. She sleeps a lot. But she’s gotten better.”

Natasha’s nose wrinkles. Of course, she’s the topic of conversation _again_. It’s not necessarily surprising. The day after her diagnosis, Steve had let everyone know what the situation was. Everybody ended up leaving sweet texts for her and had offered to visit, but she didn’t want to see anyone. At least not yet. She just wants Steve. 

“Yeah, I know. Whenever I see her, she’s always cowering and making herself seem as small as possible.” Steve sighs. 

There’s a minute of silence before Steve says, “She doesn’t have any energy for a lot of things. I can tell that keeping up with James is hard for her. She says her pain’s getting better every day, but it’s still there. 

Natasha swallows her breath. She feels terrible that she’s not spending as much time with James as she knows she should be doing. Her little boy spent five weeks at the hospital, already limiting her time with him. And now, even though he’s home, Natasha’s not spending enough time with him.

She really wants to be with her son, but she finds it difficult to be with him. Whenever she spends a substantial amount of time with her newborn, she gets impatient and overwhelmed. It makes her feel worse.

“I don’t know, Tony. I don’t think visitors are good for her right now.” Steve sounds uncertain. “Dr. Cho said that she can’t be isolated, but I don’t know if she wants a plethora of them.”

Steve’s been wonderful to her for the past few weeks and has been extremely patient with her. He spends every moment he can with her until she asks him for space. He feeds James a bottle in the middle of the night whenever Natasha is too tired to move. He makes her food and tries to get her to eat it. He tries to make her smile and laugh every time she’s been silent for too long and is always there to comfort her when she cries.

Natasha knows that Steve’s been especially patient with her and for that, she’s grateful. She couldn’t even imagine how he felt being worried about her and James and also Bucky, too. She knows that she can’t do this on her own. But Steve’s right. She doesn’t really want to see everybody. At least not at once. However, something’s been poking at the back of her mind for the last few days and she really can’t get herself to ignore it.

With all the strength she could muster, she gets out of bed and slowly walks toward the door.

“I can ask her when she wakes up but—”

Natasha opens the door and Steve immediately turns around.

“Wait, give me a minute, Tony.” Steve covers the microphone on his cell phone. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“Can you tell Tony to bring everyone over?” Natasha asks.

Steve looks taken aback and stutters, “I, _uh_ , yeah. Of course. Are you… are you _sure?_ ”

Natasha nods. “Just a lowkey night with my friends would be great. We can all cuddle up in the living room and watch movies. James shouldn’t cause a fuss.”

“Okay. Of course. _Yeah_ ,” Steve says. He brings the phone back up to his ear. “Change of plans. Invite everyone over now. _Mhmm_. Yeah, I’m serious, Tony. Okay. _Okay_. Bye.”

He hangs up and steps towards her. “Did something change? Are you feeling well?”

Natasha inhales. “Today is the five-year anniversary of my parents’ death. I’ve always mourned it by ignoring it and drinking my sorrows away. This time… I want to do it differently.”

Steve reaches out to gently touch her wrist. “Okay. Anything you want, Nat.”

“It’s been five years,” Natasha says softly. “It doesn’t feel real.”

It really doesn’t. She remembers when she fled Sao Paulo to Manhattan after she found out her parents are dead. She remembers the funeral planning, the wake, and the funeral itself. She remembers Steve being there. Comforting her. All of that. 

That had been a brief period in time when her parents were always on her mind. She had only visited their grave once after that with Clint almost a year ago. She doesn’t visit very often because the reality saddens her. Living in her old penthouse is hard enough. She had planned on selling it, but she never got around to it.

“They would have adored James,” Steve says, assuringly. “And they would’ve loved to see the woman you’ve become.”

Natasha shrugs. “I don’t know about the second part.”

“But _I_ do,” Steve insists. 

Natasha’s not in the mood to press further and Steve doesn’t bother to continue. They sit around in the living room, looking through her old DVD collection and Netflix, before Tony and everyone else arrives.

“I called Wanda, but she’s having dinner with Bucky’s parents tonight,” Tony says as everyone begins to file in.

“Is he doing better?” Natasha asks. 

She hasn’t visited Bucky as much as Steve, but she’s still devastated about what’s happened to him. His condition has worsened and he’s gotten a chest infection because of his cough reflex’s vulnerability. The doctors assured them that the infection wasn’t going to kill him right then, but it could lead to further complications down the line.

The news had crushed her when she found out and she knows that it had the worst effect on Wanda and Steve. Wanda wants to help Natasha get better but she’s also distraught over Bucky. Steve is devoted to her and James, but she also understands that Bucky is one of the most important people in his life. She’s happy to have him by her side, but she knows that he’s hurting a lot. She tries to be patient and keep herself together. 

“He could be doing worse,” Pepper replies after giving Natasha a hug. “That’s a shitty answer but that’s the best I can say. Since it’s a medically induced coma, he’s doing better than he could be but… it was a _really_ traumatic brain injury. It’s not great.”

Steve sighs. “Bucky’s one of the strongest people I know. He’ll get through this. I know he will.” He turns to Sam. “You feeling alright?”

“Couldn’t be better,” Sam says with a nod.

“ _Good_.”

Everyone hugs Natasha and takes a look at little James, who’s sleeping in a little cot by the kitchen. They settle in the theater and begin watching 90s classics. No one presses Natasha for updates on her postpartum depression and she’s thankful for that. She just wants to spend time with the people she loves. 

It’s all she needs. It’s all she wants.

They let her cry out her feelings later. They listen as she thinks about her parents out loud. They’re there for her as she honors her parents’ memory.

They make sure she knows that she’s not alone.

* * *

Natasha wakes up the next morning to the sound of James crying. She turns to where Steve would be laying and finds his place in the bed empty.

“Hey, hey little man,” she hears Steve mutter on the baby monitor. “Are you hungry? I bet you are. Mommy can’t feed you right now, so we’re just gonna have to stick to the bottle, okay?”

She can hear James wailing, but eventually quieting down when Steve feeds him a bottle. She sighs and scoots towards the center of the bed.

“It’s lucky for us that you’re such an easy baby.” Steve sighs in relief. “It doesn’t take much to keep you happy. _Thank God_.”

To her utter relief, she’s not feeling as much pain as she had in the past couple weeks, so she gets herself out of bed and makes her way towards the nursery.

Steve’s sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall, securely holding James as he feeds him a bottle. He looks over to her and smiles warmly. “Hey. Good morning.”

“Morning,” Natasha murmurs as she takes a seat next to him. “How’s our boy?”

“Good, good,” Steve says, fondly. “Just hungry.” He adjusts his position so that she can get a better look at James. “Did you sleep well?”

“Better,” she admits, truthfully. 

“Do you want to hold him?” He asks and the look on his face tells Natasha that he really wants her to say yes.

Natasha nods.

Steve carefully hands the tiny baby to her. 

Natasha smiles. “Hi, baby. You’re looking awfully cute today, but you look cute every day.”

They both coo in delight at James, but they don’t speak to each other. They simply take the time to admire their son on this beautiful morning.

“You know,” she turns to Steve, “I’m feeling good today, Steve. Last night was good.”

“I’m happy,” Steve says, genuinely. “That’s great.”

Natasha nods. “I think I’ll be fine on my own with James today. I can have Pepper or Clint come over if I need something.” She reaches out to gently touch his shoulder. “You should go see Bucky today.”

Steve tenses. “Natasha, I have to be here for you. You—”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Natasha assures him. “I’m not the one fighting for my life. I appreciate your presence. It means a lot. It really does. But I know how much Bucky means to you and I don’t want you to spend all your time here. You visit him, but not enough.  _ Seriously _ . Go spend the day with him. I’ll be fine on my own.”

Steve doesn’t look thoroughly convinced.

“I know you want me to become better but I refuse to do so at your expense. Now, don’t argue with me about this,” Natasha says. “You need some time on your own. I didn’t really think about it back then and I got mad when you slept with—”

“ _ Natasha _ .” He has a pained expression on his face.

She shakes her head. “We’re not gonna talk about it now. I know a deep conversation is overdue for us but not right now. Right now, you need to take some time for yourself. Your whole life can’t revolve around me. I really am appreciative of your devotion, but I can’t just let you grovel after me. Go see Bucky. It’ll be good for you.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “And this isn’t up for discussion or debate. You’ve been helping me out and now, I’m helping you out.’

Steve takes a deep breath after a minute and then says, “ _Okay_. I’m gonna take a day off. I’m gonna see Bucky. But you have to promise me you’ll call if there’s anything you need. If anything happens at all. Okay?”

“ _Okay_ , Rogers!” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “Now, get out of here!”

Steve plants a kiss on her forehead and then James’ forehead before bidding them goodbye and heading to the hospital.

Natasha looks down at her son and smiles. “Everything will be just fine.”

Right…. But also _wrong_.

A week later at the beginning of April, after talking to Dr. Cho and Dr. Palmer, it seems that her postpartum depression is no longer as severe. It’s not worrisome. At least, that’s what Natasha would label it as. She’s not as moody and she’s not prone to crying all the time anymore. She definitely feels better. Mentally.

But physically? Not so much. She still feels some pain in her body, which is natural, and it’s not like waking up every few hours in the middle of the night to tend to a crying James makes her feel all fit and healthy, either. 

She loves James and she’s already in shock at how much he’s grown, but caring for a baby is exhausting and stressful. She doesn’t regret getting having a kid at twenty-four but she feels that her energy is so drained.

It doesn’t help that Bucky’s still in his coma. His condition hasn’t worsened. He’s stable, but Steve worries so much and it makes her worry more. They don’t sleep too much at night. 

It’s really a shame. Natasha and Steve are grateful that her condition has improved and that, mentally, she’s almost back to normal, but they have other things they still have to deal with. They’re especially good at avoiding one of those things though. They don’t sit down and talk about themselves. They only talk about literally everything and everyone else.

It’s not good. She knows they shouldn’t stall but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea while things around them are so hectic.

It still happens anyway, though. James is taking a nap and Natasha and Steve are doing the dishes. 

“What’s gonna happen between us?”

Natasha’s startled. “Excuse me?”

Steve repeats himself and adds, “How long are we gonna be like this?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You and I are acting like everything’s perfectly fine between us.”

Natasha groans. “Steve, _please_.”

Steve sets a stack of plates in the cabinet. “I think it’s time to have that talk.”

“And if I don’t want to participate in this talk?” She raises a brow.

“Then we’ll drag this on forever and regret it when it blows up in our faces,” Steve answers.

She sighs. She knows that he’s right. She just wishes that he wasn’t. 

“The last time we talked, it was because of what I did that night,” he says.

“ _Yeah_. That was shitty,” Natasha says. She doesn’t know what else to say. 

“I can understand why you think that way, but what I don’t understand is why that really matters,” Steve says.

Natasha frowns. “What?”

“We’re not together.” He states it as a fact. “You’re not interested in me. I do understand that at the time the incident occurred, you were pregnant with my child so you expected that I would remain loyal to you. That makes sense. And for the past two months, I also understand that you were in a delicate condition so my devotion to you was expected. But _now_ … now I wanna know how we’re gonna go from here.”

She’s confused and by the look on his face, he seems to understand that.

“I know I’m not making any sense. What I’m trying to ask is what happens between us from here on out? Again, you’re not interested in me. We’re not together. We share a son so you and I will always be connected, but clearly, we’re not gonna date or get married or whatever.” Steve gestures around him. “We live together. We share a bed every night, but we’re as platonic as ever now. At some point, it’s gonna feel weird. Our friends are gonna think it’s weird if they don’t already.”

He leans on the kitchen counter. “What’s gonna happen if you fall in love with someone else? What happens if I find someone else? It’s not like we’ve talked about the future. Right now, it’s good for us to stay together here since James is so little and young, but what happens in a year? Now, I’m not trying to sound like a jackass but I know eventually you’ll want to go out and have sex and have fun and I will too. We could always have sex with each other, but again, that’ll eventually feel weird. What’s gonna happen between us?”

Natasha honestly has no clue. It’s not something that she’s discussed or thought about much because it always gave her a headache. She inhales and admits, “I don’t know.”

“We need to figure it out,” Steve says. “Sooner rather than later.”

“Well, what do _you_ think?” She asks.

“We’re still young. We still have a lot more life to live. We don’t have to do this all together if you don’t want to,” Steve replies. “ _So_ … maybe when James is a bit older… I should move out. We should maintain some distance from each other because we’re not together. We’ll work out custody and decide how to raise James separately. You deserve happiness and it’s clear that it won’t be with me so I don’t want to stand in the way of you finding someone. I don’t want to be taking up residence in your penthouse when I’m not needed or wanted there anymore. I can find a new place close to here and we can draw up an agreement.”

Natasha flinches. “You want to move out?”

Steve sighs. “Natasha, this isn’t about what _I_ want.”

“Why not? You’re James’ father and you have an equal say as I do in matters regarding him,” Natasha says.

“You already know what I want,” Steve replies, “and you’re not gonna give it to me. You don’t have to give it to me and I would never hold it against you, but I need to know what to do now. The ball is in _your_ court. _You_ tell me.”

Natasha swallows her breath. “I’m not going to dictate everything.”

Steve looks at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. “I’ll give you anything you want. I’ll stay. I’ll leave. I’ll continue to be in love with you. I’ll try my hardest to fall out of love with you. Just tell me.”

“Steve, that’s not _fair_.” She shakes her head. “No matter what I say, I’ll end up feeling guilty.” And she already does. She knows that Steve is only saying these things because she doesn’t feel the same way that he does. 

“I swear that’s my intention. I just want you to be happy. Tell me what I can do to make you happy.”

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Then, you have to think,” Steve says. “I care for you so much. I _do_. But I also need to care for myself. I need to know what to do about you. It’s been years and years of us playing this back and forth game and it never gets better. I can’t play anymore, Natasha, especially now that we have a son together. And I want what’s best for him. James needs stability and we can only achieve that if we figure out how you and I are gonna work.”

Natasha’s chest tightens. “This isn’t enough? We can’t keep doing it like this?”

“You know it won’t work out,” Steve says. “It works now because James is barely two months old and all of our attention is on him. It works because we need each other to get through your postpartum and raising an infant. It won’t work when he’s a couple of years old and we don’t need each other anymore. By that time, you could want a new future with someone else.”

He pauses and adds, “You know I’m in love with you. Being around you and James all the time isn’t making me love you any less. It’s only making me fall more and more in love with you. But this is one-sided. This is selfish but I can’t just pretend that everything’s fine when I know you’ll never feel the same. I think it’s best that we figure out how to raise him separately. It’s fair for us both in the long run.”

Natasha knows that Steve has a point. She knows damn well that he’s in love with her and she knows that it’s affecting him. She just doesn’t know what to say because she doesn’t even know how she feels. She had thought that she knew in the past, but now, she’s conflicted.

The idea of Steve leaving and finding someone else doesn’t sit well with her. She enjoys his company and she likes spending time with him. He tries so hard to keep her happy and he’s been there for her for years. He’s almost never let her down. He’s her rock. The thought of losing him isn’t something she wants to keep envisioning. 

She doesn’t have an explanation as to why that is. She already knows she loves him. He’s her friend. She just isn’t sure to what extent she loves him. She’s claimed over and over again that she’s not in love with him. That she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her. She knows that was true for a long time, but now, she isn’t sure. 

If he leaves, will she miss his devotion or will she miss him? It’s a question that she can’t answer herself.

Steve notices the lost expression on her face and moves to hold both of her hands in his. “I’m not trying to guilt you. I just want you to tell me what would make you happy.”

“But I _don’t know_ , Steve,” she says, shaking her head. “I don’t know. I seriously have no idea.”

He sighs. “You don’t have to decide right at this moment. James is less than two months old. I’m talking about when he’s like a year old.”

Natasha furrows her brows at him. “I don’t think you can wait that long.”

Steve says nothing but the way he tenses tells her what she needs to know. 

“You’ve already been waiting for almost seven years now. I don’t think you can wait for eight.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“But it _should_.” She sounds bittersweet. “It’s my fault that you think it doesn’t.” Natasha sighs, biting her lip.

“I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t have to apologize to me. It’s just… I don’t know anything. I don’t know what it is about us, but I can’t figure it out. I want to. I really do. I shouldn’t be dragging this on, but I can’t help it.” She shrugs. “But I’m not worth the trouble. I—”

Steve turns away to look out the ceiling-to-floor windows. “You’re stupid if you think you’re not worth it, Nat.”

Natasha shuts her eyes. “ _God_ , this would be so much easier if you had just fallen in love with Sharon and lived a fairytale with her.”

“Fairytales don’t exist.”

“So, it’s a nightmare, huh?” She opens her eyes. 

Steve stiffens.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Natasha says, quickly.

“Why wasn’t I enough?” Steve asks. “Why did you only see me as a distraction? A bad habit? Why did you always dismiss my feelings? Why did you _always_ leave?”

“You’re the one who taught me to run,” Natasha replies, “That was our specialty and that became the only thing I knew. You let that happen just as much as I did.” She doesn’t know why she sounds so defensive.

Steve turns back to face her. “That didn’t answer my question. I’ll ask another one instead. Why did you fall in love with Bruce, but not me?”

Natasha squints. “Steve, why is this relevant?”

“I deserve to know after all the time. After _everything_ we’ve been through. Why did you always go back to Bruce after using me as a distraction? Why wasn’t I enough to keep you with me? Why didn’t I matter?’

“This is _ridiculous_.”

“This is long overdue.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at him. “Why do you want to know? What satisfaction will it bring you? If anything, it’ll probably upset you or piss you off and it won’t be any better for either of us.”

“We’re past the point of no return, Nat,” Steve says, unfazed. “You can tell me.”

Natasha turns away from him. “ _No_.”

Steve frowns. “What the hell do you mean ‘no’?”

“No means _no_ ,” Natasha snaps at him. “It’s quite an easy concept to grasp.”

“You owe me this,” Steve’s voice raises.

“I owe you nothing,” Natasha insists. 

“You may not owe me a relationship or your undying love, but you sure as hell owe me an explanation after _all_ these fucking years.”

Natasha stops and looks at him in disbelief.

“I just want to know what I didn’t do. What I could’ve done,” he says, softly and he has that puppy dog look in his eyes that makes her want to both cry and scream. “ _Please_.”

“You’re unbelievable.” She shakes her head. She lets out a deep breath and continues, “You were an idiot to fall in love with me when I’ve been a fucking trainwreck since I was, like, thirteen years old. You’re the one who fucking taught me how to run but you never tried to make me stay. You enabled _all_ of this so you can’t be surprised that it became a habit for me. You became my bad habit because of all that and you know what? I’m _sorry_. I really am that you ended up becoming that, but you let it happen and you let it affect yourself and you let it fuck you up. I can’t apologize to you for your feelings because it’s not _my_ fault you fell in love with me. I was your bad habit as much as you were mine but you didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t either but I’m not the one pretending—”

“You don’t even know what you’re saying,” he cuts her off.

“Like _hell_ , I don’t.” Natasha’s eyes darken and she tenses. “I didn’t fall in love with you because I didn’t have a reason to. You were just a _distraction_. I didn’t come to you because I loved you. I came to you because I knew you’d be there. Bruce was different. Bruce didn’t let me fall back into my bad habits. He always shamed me if I even thought about it. You weren’t like that. You let me do whatever I wanted. You let me continue to use you like a bad habit.”

Steve shakes his head. “Now, that’s not fair—”

Natasha scoffs. “This is both my fault and yours. I was wrong to use you, but you were wrong to let it happen too. You never had to pick up my calls. You never had to let me have my fun. You never had to do anything with me or for me. Now, don’t fucking say it’s because you _love_ me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have let this happen.”

Steve’s brows furrow and his eyes narrow. “You’re _seriously_ belittling what I feel for you? You’re blaming _that_ on everything?”

Natasha wants to scream but she knows she shouldn’t raise her voice and end up waking James up. “You just don’t know when to stop. You don’t know anything. You’ve been obsessed with this mirage of me for years and you can’t seem to understand that I’m not the girl you want me to be.”

“I love you for who you are because I know who you are,” Steve says, aggressively.

“No, you _don’t_. How can you know who I am when I, myself, don’t even know who I am?” Natasha snaps.

“Because we’ve been through so much. You showed me who you really were every time we were together,” Steve replies and he’s pissed. She can tell. “Yeah, the fucking cocaine was bad for you and drinking your sorrows away in vodka is a shit idea, but you were _always_ honest. You were always yourself around me. You didn’t pretend to be anyone else the way you did when you were around Bruce.”

Natasha stiffens because she knows that he’s right about that. She had never truly been herself when she was with Bruce. She had always tried to act the way he wanted her to.

“That means nothing,” she says lowly.

“So, I really am nothing but a bad habit, huh? You claim you love me as a friend, but do you really? Am I just your shoulder to cry on when you need me? Is that all I am?” Steve exclaims. “Do you really even care for me at all?”

Natasha’s offended. “How can you even ask that? If you don’t know the answer to that, you clearly don’t know me at all.”

“You don’t even understand.” He shakes his head. “I’ve seen you at your best and at your worst. You’ve come to me when you needed me the most. You’ve been vulnerable around me. I know exactly who you are. You just don’t know _me_. I’ve never been vulnerable around you because I know you would hate it. You would hate to see me in a way that would change your perception of me. You just see me like a comfort blanket. You don’t want to see me as anything else.”

Natasha opens her mouth to respond, but he keeps going.

“You left _every_ time. I’d come back to an empty room or I’d wake up to an empty bed. You left because you didn’t think of me as anything more than a distraction. I never chased after you because I knew you didn’t want to be chased,” Steve says, “I welcomed you back with open arms and let you party to your heart’s desire every time because that’s what you wanted. I’ll admit that was fucked up. I shouldn’t have let you keep using drugs when I had stopped. That was wrong of me and I’m sorry about that. I won’t apologize for loving you. It’s the best and worst thing that’s happened to me. You’re everything to me, but sometimes I _really_ wish you weren’t.”

He continues, “I let you use me like a bad habit because that was the only time we would see each other. That was the _only_ time you’d give me the time of day. And you needed me. I couldn’t let you down. It hurt knowing you were going back to Bruce every time but I wanted you to enjoy your time with me. I never tried to get you to stay because I knew it wouldn’t work. You’re _afraid_ of love. You loved what you had with Bruce but it didn’t work out at all and that ruined love for you. You don’t want to feel like that again. I understand that. I truly _do_. I just wish you would try to understand me as much as I’ve been trying to understand you.”

Natasha takes a deep breath. “You and I will never be perfect.”

“We don’t need to be,” Steve says. “I don’t want perfect. I just want _you_. But I know I can’t have you. I really really don’t deserve you, do I? We’ve fucked with each other so much that we don’t deserve each other.” He throws his hands up in defeat. “What happens now? How do we move on from here?”

Natasha’s heart is beating faster and she shakes her head. “You just can’t fucking let it _go_. You can’t let us live in peace. First, you sleep with another girl and now you bring up this shit.”

Steve laughs and it sounds so cruel that she almost flinches. “We really _are_ such a fucking mess, Natasha. A decade of friendship and we’ve been destroying each other for so long. If only I hadn’t loved you. If only you had loved me.” He shrugs. “We could have been extraordinary. Instead, we’re just _flakers_. We avoid everything.”

“Your mindset is messed up,” she says.

“You’re the only thing on my mind.”

Natasha couldn’t take it anymore. “Leave me _alone_. Leave if you want or go stay in another bedroom because I can’t do this with you right now. I don’t want to talk to you or look at you.”

Steve swallows his breath. “ _Fine_.” He hesitates and adds, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way but I’m not sorry for expressing my thoughts. I’m not sorry for being honest with you. It was long overdue.”

She glares at him as her chest tightens. “ _Get out of my sight_.”

Steve doesn’t say a word as he disappears into the direction of James’ nursery and she wants to scream because now she can’t go in there. 

They don’t talk or see each other for the rest of the night. Eventually, he does leave the nursery and locks himself in one of the bedrooms. 

Natasha sleeps alone for the first time in a long time and she feels cold in the sheets. She feels that something is missing. When she wakes up, it doesn’t feel right. 

So, after all this time, Natasha thinks she finally understands how Steve felt every time he woke up to her being gone. It _hurts_. 

* * *

Natasha shouldn’t be surprised when Pietro and Wanda walk into her penthouse the next day without notifying her of their arrival, but she’s still annoyed.

She looks up from James, who’s currently doing tummy time on a tiny rug on the floor, and furrows her brows. “Can I help you?”

Pietro sighs as he lays on his stomach next to James. He strokes his little cheeks and says, “Natasha, you and Steve need to talk.”

She’s suddenly more annoyed. She’s also thankful that Steve went to go visit Bucky today because she’s not in the mood. She threw away the note he left her on the kitchen counter. 

“Pietro, _honestly_ —”

“We know that this isn’t easy. We’ve become accustomed to the fact that things will never be easy when it comes to you,” Wanda interrupts her.

Natasha glares at her.

“ _But_ ,” Wanda continues, “we also understand that you have a good reason to be difficult this time.” She sighs and holds Natasha’s hands tightly in hers. “I’m sorry. I really am. None of us can even imagine what’s it like to go through postpartum but we’re here for you and we only want the best for you.”

Pietro coos at James. “And the best for you is to have a good relationship with the people that matter most to you. _Steve_ is one of those people. Having a bad relationship with him is not gonna make your condition any better.”

Natasha sighs and turns to Wanda. “How’s Bucky?”

Wanda’s determined expression disappears and is replaced by one reflecting discomfort.

Natasha knows it’s a petty move and swallows her breath.

“The infection is getting better. They still expect him to be well enough to wake up soon,” Wanda replies. “They don’t think there’ll be any complications when they do wake him but, well, the possibility is always there.”

“You can’t just avoid this forever,” Pietro says, changing the subject while tickling James on his back.

Natasha crosses her arms. “I’m not avoiding it.”

Wanda raises a brow. “ _Really?_ Then why don’t you just talk with Steve?”

“We’re not very good at talking,” Natasha replies. It’s not a lie. Their history shows they were better at being physical with each other.

“Because both of you can’t be real with each other. You avoid talking about sore subjects that need to be discussed,” Pietro says, “It all adds up to major problems in the long run.”

Natasha sighs. “I don’t want to talk about stuff with him because it makes me mad and confused and moody. I’m not interested in causing myself unnecessary stress.”

Wanda gestures towards James. “Okay, let’s think about this. If you and Steve just ignore your issues and go on with life like nothing’s wrong, how is that gonna reflect on James? He’s gonna think his mom and dad are the most perfect separated parents when that’s not true.”

“James won’t even understand our dynamic for at least another ten years,” Natasha insists.

Pietro raises a brow. “You really want to deal with _ten more years_ of this shit?”

“Of course not,” Natasha replies. “But I’m not backing down and it doesn’t seem like Steve will either.”

Pietro sighs and picks James up into his arms. He rocks him back and forth and brings him to Natasha. “This is your _son_. This is Steve’s son, too. How can he grow up knowing what a healthy relationship is like if his parents don’t even bother to try to be civil? How can he live with two parents who’d rather play games than face reality?”

Natasha licks her lips. “You can’t connect this to my parenting skills.”

“It’s come down to that,” Wanda says. “You love James so so much. It’s the only way you’ll understand.”

“You can’t say stuff like that to me,” Natasha says. “You know that I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my life. You know I’ve been like this since I was a kid. I don’t know anything. I don’t know how I’m gonna go on from here and thinking about it makes me want to scream.”

She looks at James who looks perfectly content in Pietro’s arms. “I don’t want him to grow up like Steve and I did. A complete _mess_. I don’t want him to deal with the same stuff that Steve and I are dealing with now.” She sighs. “But it’s not easy. It’s not easy when dealing with it is the hardest thing ever. I can’t handle all of this.”

“ _Nat_ …” Pietro looks sympathetic.

Natasha sniffles. “Forget Steve. I don’t even know how _I’m_ supposed to be a mother. It’s not like Anna Romanoff was a nurturer.”

“She wasn’t, but you had  _ me _ ,” Wanda says, encouragingly. “And I was fantastic. I’ve been raising you since you were twelve years old.”

Natasha reaches out for her hand and she takes it, stroking it gently with her thumb. “What if I’m just messed up from being a Romanoff and I don’t love him the way you’re supposed to love your baby? What if Steve and I just destroy each other and James is hurt in the process?”

“You already love him that way, Natasha. Steve already loves him that way. You both would never do anything to hurt James.”

Natasha’s tears slow down and she leans her head back against the pillow, blinking them away. “I wish I could be as sure as you.”

“You will,” Wanda assures her. “You already are.”

They spend the rest of the time fawning over James. Natasha’s relieved that they’re no longer discussing Steve. Wanda and Pietro seem to notice that they didn’t actually get their message across so the next day, she has more guests. Maria and Sam arrive and Natasha hurriedly finishes her tomato soup.

“We can talk about anything but Steve,” Natasha says, as she puts her bowl and spoon in the sink.

“Well, we were never sticklers for the rules so we’re gonna talk about Steve,” Sam says, taking a seat at the dining room table. 

Natasha grabs a copy of the  _ New York Times _ and begins flipping through it. “You can talk, but I won’t listen.”

“I really don’t know how Steve deals with you sometimes,” Sam says. He grabs the newspaper from her hands and looks at the front page. “You have more imminent problems to deal with than a trade war.”

“The economy _does_ affect us, you know,” Natasha says.

“You have enough money in Swiss banks to keep you loaded for life,” Sam retorts.

Maria rolls her eyes. “We’re not here to discuss fiscal policy, Sam. We’re here to discuss _Steve_.”

They don’t end up discussing Steve. They end up arguing about how Sam needs to stop being annoying to make points about Steve. Natasha threatens to whack him with a vase. 

Maria snatches the newspaper out of Sam’s grasp and fans Natasha with it. “Calm down, calm down!  _ Relax _ , honey! You’re very  _ delicate _ right now.”

Sam leans over to Maria. “We probably shouldn’t be here. It’d be best to leave. We should go get Thor and Loki and Jane here and—”

“We’re not fucking going anywhere,  _ Samuel _ . This is a  _ family _ meeting.” Maria narrows her eyes at him. “And we’re taking turns.”

It doesn’t end successfully for them. Sam and Maria give her a lecture on why she and Steve need to patch things up but it’s the same thing she’s heard a dozen times and she’s over it. 

She’s met with more guests that she doesn’t want to deal with, but James seems to like all the attention he gets so she deals with it.

It’s not until Sharon comes over that Natasha actually actively participates in the conversation. 

“Were you ever attracted to Steve?” Sharon asks as she feeds James a bottle. Natasha’s too tired to feed him herself.

“Excuse me?”

“Were you ever attracted to Steve?” Sharon repeats herself. “I mean, like, did you ever _like him like him?_ Not just find him attractive or sexually attractive or whatever.”

Natasha shrugs. “I think I did for a very brief time when I was, like, sixteen.”

“What changed since then?”

“We both became messed up.” That’s as simple as it can get.

Sharon meets her glance. “Steve’s a wonderful person.”

“I know that.” Natasha wishes she would just get to the point. “What are you really trying to say, Sharon?”

Sharon inhales. “Similarly to you, when I was involved with Steve, I was never in love with him but I did love him. Our whole ‘relationship’ was based on us thinking that we were in love. It really sucked when we realized that it was nothing.”

She pauses to wipe some milk off of James’ cheek. “What we had may not have been true love and it definitely wasn’t as deep as what you and him have, but it was enough that I knew who he was as a person and he knew me. We still do. And I know him as the _best_ guy in the world. Don’t tell Brock I said that. But Steve really is an amazing person. He was crazy in high school, but he was always a good guy by heart. He cares so much about the people he loves and he especially cares so deeply for the person he loves most.”

Natasha sighs. “ _Sharon_ —”

“I know him, Nat. I know him _so_ well. I know that you matter the most to him and all he wants is for you to be on top of this world even if it puts him down,” Sharon says, “I love you, Nat, but Steve is my best friend and I care for his well being, so I have to say that it really hurts me to see him hurt.”

She continues, “The love that Steve feels for you is like nothing else. He would seriously do anything for you. He and I were nowhere near as serious as you and him. It’s not even comparable. He’s told me a lot about how you mess with his mind. You drive him insane. You changed him from the mess he was in high school to the man he’s become. He’s tried so hard to better himself for you. In a way, it’s sad.”

Natasha isn’t sure what to say. “I—”

Sharon interjects, “I’m not trying to shame you. I know you’ve gone through a lot of shit that Steve couldn’t compare to, but I want you to understand Steve’s point of view. The history that you two have doesn’t reflect nicely for the future, but that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless.”

Natasha sighs. “I’m not even sure what I want, Sharon. Every time I think I know, I end up getting conflicted.”

“You don’t owe him a relationship. You don’t have to be in love with him. Your feelings are your own. However, I _do_ hope you give him a chance. You already know how great of a guy he is. You already know how amazing of a friend he is to all of us. You already know he’s a wonderful father to James. And you especially know how much he loves you. He may not be perfect, but he’s pretty damn close,” Sharon says. “You’ll really grow to love him more if you just try. In fact, I think you already do feel for him more than you think. You just haven’t realized it because you won’t let yourself do that.”

She smiles at her. “Let yourself feel love again, Nat. You and Bruce have moved on way past each other. He found love again. I bet that you have, too. Just let yourself love again. You love James. You know how to do it. Just do it again. It’s _always_ been you and Steve. You just have to let yourself realize it. The choice is yours. It’s _always_ been yours.”

Sharon doesn’t wait for a response. She hands James back to Natasha and gives her shoulder a squeeze. “I accepted a long time ago that Steve’s not the love of my life. He’s _yours_. I promise you.”

Sharon leaves and Natasha’s glad her postpartum depression isn’t fucking with her as much anymore, because she’s stressed again. She wishes she didn’t feel so fucking sad and annoyed. She wishes she could just take a break. 

But she can’t. 

Natasha’s playing with the skull ring that Steve had given her years and years ago when Sarah Rogers walks into the penthouse, unannounced.

“Hey, sweetheart. Can we talk?”

It’s been four days since her conversation with Sharon and a week since she last talked to Steve and she had been enjoying the peace she was having. She and Steve did see each other around the penthouse but they never talked. Even when James cried in the middle of the night, they didn’t talk to each other as they tried to soothe their son. It’s been awkward but she wasn’t going to give in.

But she couldn’t just say no to Steve’s mother, who has been nothing but kind and helpful towards her.

“Of course,” Natasha replies. “Would you like to hold James?”

Sarah smiles. “I’d love to.” She takes him in his arms and takes a deep breath. “I remember when Steve was this little.”

Natasha chuckles.

“How is little James doing?” Sarah tickles James, getting a giggle from him. Her grin grows wider. “ _That’s_ my grandson.”

“He’s doing great,” Natasha replies, truthfully. “He’s an obedient baby. _Very_ sweet. _Very_ fun.”

“He definitely got that from you because Steve was a monster baby,” Sarah jokes.

The ends of Natasha’s lips curl into a smile. 

“But speaking of Steve—”

Natasha’s stomach churns.

“—I know it’s not my place to ask, but I can’t help but wonder… what’s going on with you two? Joseph and I never ask Steve and he never tells us, so we don’t know,” Sarah says. “We just know that you two have around a decade of history that’s never been clear to anyone.”

Natasha tenses. She doesn’t know what to say. She knows that Sarah’s not a fool and that she’s well aware that Steve and Natasha and pretty much everyone was crazy and reckless in high school and the years after, but that doesn’t mean she’s perfectly fine to admit what she and Steve did every time they saw each other. She doesn’t want to explain their little game to her and she bets that Steve wouldn’t want her to know either. 

She takes a deep breath and answers, “We always had a _connection_. We could always have fun so easily. We never had to try with each other. Of course, in recent years, things are much different now, but when we were younger, things were so easy that we naturally had a good connection with each other.”

Natasha shrugs. “But I never thought much of it. We were just having fun like everybody else. I didn’t think it meant anything more than it did.”

“But it _does_ ,” Sarah says. “I know he’s in love with you. Years and years of history has told me that.” She points to the ring on the table. “I recognize that. He gave that to you.”

Natasha rubs her lips. “He is and he did.”

Sarah cocks her head. “Sweet of him… but you’re not in love with him.”

“I don’t know,” Natasha says, “I don’t really know what I feel. I thought I knew for sure that I didn’t feel the same way, but I have no idea what the truth is anymore.” She feels guilty to say this in front of her.

She sighs. “We never tried to talk about feelings. We always just focused on the fun. I didn’t even know that he was falling in love with me over the years. I was oblivious to it and it changed us.”

“How can it be fixed?” Sarah asks.

Natasha purses her lips before replying, “I don’t know. It’s been dragged out for a long time and it’s harder now that we share a son.”

“I’m not going to ask for the details of your relationship with my son because it’s not my business, but I have to ask. What’s pulling you away from him? What stands in between you two?”

Natasha hesitates. She isn’t sure how to answer that. There’s plenty of things she could say, but she doesn’t know which one’s the true answer. “ _Fear_.”

Sarah raises a brow. “Do you fear commitment?”

“I fear change and the unknown,” Natasha replies. “Change isn’t something that sits well with me. Moving from Russia to the United States was a change that was difficult for me to deal with. Realizing that I had no clue what my identity was and being stuck in the unknown led to me depending on the change. I was scared every time I ran away from New York to get lost in somewhere unknown. I don’t like change and not knowing things but I’ve had to deal with it far more than I’d like to.”

She sighs. “After all this time, I still don’t know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder what I’m supposed to do be doing with my life. I’m a free spirit and running away was always my go-to solution. An unknown future was scary to me. Dealing with big changes was scary to me. They still are.”

“And you fear the change and the uncertainty of your future that comes with settling down with Steve,” Sarah says. “He’s more grounded. He’s definitely changed since he was a teenager.”

“I don’t know if I can give him the stability he wants. I care for him. I love him as a friend. I may love him more, but even if I do, I’m not like him,” Natasha says. 

Sarah looks down at James and caresses his cheek. “Perhaps you’re not and perhaps that’s a good thing, but I think it’s important to note that if he can change. So can you. You don’t have to, but you never know what could happen if you put in an effort to work things out. You don’t owe Steve the amount of love he has for you, but it could benefit you to try and understand his love. Try to understand his vision of the future. That can make it easier for you to deal with it.”

Natasha sighs. “I’m sorry, Sarah. I know that as his mother, you must hate this situation. It’s not easy at all.”

“It’s not, especially when Steve’s so worried about Bucky,” Sarah confirms, “but you don’t need to apologize to me. I know that Steve is happy when you’re happy. All you two need to do is try to understand each other.”

Natasha sighs. “I know.”

“You two can figure it out,” Sarah says, “I’m certain of it.”

“I miss when I was just a wide-eyed girl from Russia who was ready to take on the world and he was just the dreamy boy with all of New York wrapped around his finger. We were just kids. We just wanted to have fun. We didn’t know what the world had in store for us,” Natasha says, feeling nostalgic. 

“You’ll find that peace again,” Sarah assures her.

“I hope,” Natasha murmurs. 

* * *

Later that day, Natasha admits to Dr. Palmer that she’s a confused fucking mess.

“Is this just another side effect of giving birth?” Natasha asks, “because I’m really over it.”

“That’s subjective,” Dr. Palmer says, crossing her legs. “But I’ll say this, you are getting better so that’s great. You may have your own personal problems but the fact that you’re whole wellbeing is better is news to be happy about.”

Natasha sighs.

Dr. Palmer says, “You still haven’t drunk or done drugs since before your pregnancy, right? And Steve informed me that you didn’t abuse your antidepressants.”

Natasha nods. “Yes. It’s been over ten months.”

“That’s really good progress,” Dr. Palmer says sincerely. “You could’ve easily turned to drinking or using but you didn’t. You’re maintaining self-control.”

Natasha’s relieved to hear that. 

“Do you still feel urges to go back to your old ways? Do you ever feel like you really need a drink?” Dr. Palmer asks.

“At times,” Natasha admits. “But I’ve never actually tried to seek it out.”

“Do you think you’ll end up trying?” Dr. Palmer looks curious.

Natasha shrugs. “Probably not. At least not the drugs. I’ll drink because what adult in Manhattan doesn’t drink? Everyone needs a good drink. I don’t think I’ll resort to drugs, though.”

“Your drug use was always more serious than your drinking. Of course, drinking, in the long run, isn’t good, but it’s very typical and I never considered it to be the biggest problem,” Dr. Palmer says. “So, you’re willingly trying to stay clean?”

Natasha nods. “I don’t want to be like the way I was before. I don’t think I know that much better now, but I do know that I don’t want to go down my old path.”

“How do you plan on succeeding with that?”

“I have to get my shit together,” Natasha says, “I have to start thinking and reasoning with myself instead of getting overwhelmed and resorting to running away.”

“And you also need to rely on your support system,” Dr. Palmer says.

“I already do.”

Dr. Palmer raises a brow. “And what about someone who had a first-row seat to who you used to be?”

Natasha frowns. “Who? Wanda?”

Dr. Palmer shakes her head. “No. Someone who was close to you that saw who you really were and who you were trying to me.”

Natasha purses her lips tightly. 

“You already know.”

“I do.” She sighs. 

Natasha decides to stop lying to herself about needing certain people so she calls Bruce later that day. She’s not sure if she expected him to pick up or not, but she’s glad when he does.

“Tasha?”

“Hi.” She’s already wondering if this was a mistake. 

“Hey. How are you?” He sounds concerned. 

Natasha shrugs. “I’m doing alright.”

“That’s good,” Bruce says, sounding genuinely glad. “How’s little James?”

Natasha smiles at the mention of her son. “He’s amazing. He’s still small for his age, but he’s doing great. Growing every day.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“It _is_ ,” she says. She pauses and then sighs. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Natasha sighs. “When we were dating, what did you think of me? I mean, I know you liked me, obviously, but you knew about my reputation when we first started dating and you were one of the main witnesses to how I acted during those years. Can you tell me what you thought of me?”

Bruce takes a deep breath on the other line. “You’re the most… alive person I ever knew. You were and you still _are_ unlike anyone I know. It’s always an adventure with you. When we first started dating, I was surprised that someone like you would want someone like me. We were totally different people and we still are to this day, but we did get along. I’ll be honest and say that I had actually believed that I could change you to be this perfect girl that I thought you were. I had this idea that you would still have your personality but you would be grounded and innocent. I idealized you and I didn’t know what to do with the fact that you weren’t exactly who I had built you up to be in my head. It was dumb of me.”

“You knew I wasn’t gonna change, didn’t you?” Natasha asks.

“Eventually, I realized that,” he admits. “But that’s on me. I shouldn’t have had these unfair expectations of you. We could have resolved our issues long before if I had realized it sooner and we talked it out earlier.”

Natasha inhales. “Well, we can’t change the past or our story, but I do want to change my future and my story with Steve.”

“Well, Steve loves you for who you are. He’s not trying to romanticize anything or be unrealistically idealistic about you,” Bruce says. “That’s how he and I are different.”

Natasha sighs. “I know that. Literally, _everyone_ keeps assuring me of that. I understand that he’s in love with me and that he knows who I am and all that. It’s like a broken record. It’s repetitive. I hear it all the time. But it doesn’t make me feel better to know that he thinks he knows who I am. It doesn’t help me.” She pauses. “Who do you think I am? You’ve known me and dealt with me for years. We have a lot of history. Who am _I?_ ”

Bruce hesitates before answering, “You’re Natasha Romanoff. That’s all there is to say. Natasha Romanoff is a puzzle that isn’t quite easy to understand, but there are many pieces to her. She’s many things. One thing cannot describe her, but they all come together like a puzzle. You’re just missing a piece of it, though. You have the rest. You’re kind to people. You’re caring towards your friends. You’re empathetic towards people who need it. You’re many things. You’re missing acceptance. That’s _all_. Facing reality and accepting it is what you have to piece together. You’re an unfinished puzzle, Natasha Romanoff.”

“You think it’s just one piece I’m missing?”

“Yes,” he says, honestly. “Once you begin accepting things as they are, everything else in your life will fall into place. You can accept Steve’s love and accept that you love him too. Or you can tell him it’s not gonna happen and accept that you two will never be the same. That’s all there is.”

She takes a breath. “Thank you, Bruce. I appreciate your honesty.”

“Anytime, Tasha. Anytime.”

Natasha probably should be more suspicious when Tony waltzes into her penthouse in the evening, unannounced, but she’s too busy eating to question it. 

She adores little James, but sometimes he really needs her attention at the most inconvenient times. Now that he’s finally napping, she’s trying to enjoy her breakfast burrito. It may be dinner time but she doesn’t care.

“Can I help you, Tony?” Natasha swallows a hunk of chorizo and eggs, raising a brow at him.

Tony frowns at her, noticing her demeanor. “Why don’t you just hire a maid? You had one up until you graduated from high school.” He snorts in amusement.

Natasha rolls her eyes. “I don’t need one.”

“ _ Right _ …” Tony mutters as he walks to her. “I actually have something for you, Red.”

“For me?” 

He hands her an envelope but says nothing.

“What’s this?” Natasha takes it from him.

“It’s from Steve,” Tony replies, “He asked me to deliver it to you.”

Natasha scoffs. “He’s resorted to writing  _ letters  _ now? Is that where the bar is to him?” She hasn’t put any effort into trying to communicate with him, but it’s not like Tony needs to know that. 

Tony looks unfazed and she finds that to be out of character for him. “He wrote that letter a few years ago, actually. I won’t spoil anything, but it’s from Mykonos.”

Natasha’s brows scrunch. “ _Mykonos?_ ”

“Read it,” Tony says, simply. “I didn’t read it, but Steve summed up what he had written to me. I think you need to read it for yourself. It’s good stuff.”

He takes a deep breath. “Listen, Romanoff, I know this is hard. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but I just want you to understand that he really loves you and every minute away from you kills him. He wants to be here. He hates to see you like this, but the circumstances pose as a barrier.”

The envelope feels heavy in her hands. 

“He’s been keeping this letter around for three years, hoping to give it to you when the time is right. That time is now because you need to read it now more than ever,” Tony says. “I’ll leave you to it.”

Natasha nods as Tony leaves. She sighs and opens the envelope. She pulls out the letter and begins to read. 

_ April 2017 _

_ Hey beautiful, _

_ I have to admit that I don’t really know what I’m doing right now. I don’t have an outline or whatever for this letter. I’m just writing about what’s on my mind and hope that I say it right. _

_ You left Mykonos a few hours ago without saying goodbye. You never say goodbye. I’m used to it so it’s never a surprise, but it still makes me feel uneasy every time. I always hope that you’ll realize that you like me enough to stay. I’m still holding onto this hope.  _

_ I had a great time in Mykonos with you. It’s always beautiful around this time, especially with May coming right up. It was even better with you. It’s always a good time with you. _

_ But now it seems that these good times together are gonna come to an end. You’re gonna try again with Bruce. That’s great. I’m really happy for you. I know you two have a lot of unfinished business and I hope that everything works out. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I know that Bruce can give that to you.  _

_ But I wish I had a chance to do that, too. I’m in love with you, Natasha. I’ve told you that I loved you before, but I don’t think you ever really believed me. I can understand why. It’s not like the relationship we have is based on love. I hate it, but that’s just the way things are. There’s nothing I can do about that now. Even if I could, I shouldn’t. _

_ I love you, but I would never do anything to jeopardize what you and Bruce have, even if it hurts me in the process. I don’t deserve you. I shouldn’t feel entitled to have you. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling what I feel. I wish we were more than the occasional hookup. I wish we were more than just two partiers letting loose right now. I wish we would talk more. I wish it was intimate in that way, rather than a physical way. We do talk a lot. We do vent to each other. We’re not terrible at communicating, but we don’t focus on it. _

_ It’s not who we are. We’ve never been stellar at communicating and we’ve grown accustomed to being physical instead of anything else. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I should’ve tried harder to show you what I really wanted. _

_ I just want you. I want you for who you are. I love you for the person you are and every time we’re together, I end up loving you more. Ever since Budapest. You’ve been on my mind since that summer week in Budapest and I can’t get you out of it.  _

_ Every time you call me and ask me if I want to run with you, I always say yes because it’s the only time I get to spend with you. I don’t think you’d welcome my presence as much at any other time. I cherish our limited times together because those are the only times when I really get to see the real you. _

_ I should’ve acted on my feelings. I should’ve been honest with you years ago, but every time I think about doing so, I remember that you have Bruce and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I never thought I’d have any reason to be jealous of Bruce Banner, but here we are now. _

_ Maybe one day we’ll be real friends because what we have now isn’t friendship. I can’t quite put a label on it. All I know is that we’re the pairing that could’ve been. We could’ve been so much, but it’s too late for that. I need to be able to accept that. That’s on me. _

_ As for you, you have no idea how I feel. Or at least you choose to avoid knowing. I don’t know. I think the truth is simple to understand. I’m in love with you and I have been for years, but I’ve never acted on it because I know I shouldn’t. Hopefully one day, you’ll know and you’ll understand. _

_ I hope things work out between you and Bruce. You deserve the whole universe and if he’s the person who can give it to you, then so be it. Just never forget that you’ll always have me. _

_ I’ll love you forever. I hope to see you soon, wherever in the world it is.  _

_ Always, Steve _

If there’s one thing that Steve’s always good at, it’s making her feel so many different things, whether it’s euphoria or guilt. Steve had been nothing but honest and now her throat feels constricted as she takes the words in. 

She cries. She’s not exactly sure what the reason is. Her tears are all dried up by the time she hears Steve come home but he doesn’t try to talk to her and neither does she. They go to bed separately.

The next morning, when she opens her door, Steve’s standing in front of it, fist raised mid-knock. “Bucky’s awake.”

* * *

Natasha holds James close to her chest as she and Steve walk towards Bucky’s room. Everyone else already got a turn to talk to Bucky so they’re grabbing coffee in the lounge. Steve’s jaw drops and his eyes widen when he sees Bucky through the window.

Wanda walks out of the room and smiles at them. “You can talk to him.”

“I’ll stay out here,” Natasha says. It’s the first thing she’s said to him in a week. They didn’t talk the whole car ride to the hospital. “You should have some private time with him.”

Steve raises a brow. “Are you sure?”

“He’s your best friend,” she says, simply.

Steve turns to Wanda. “Is he perfectly fine?”

Wanda’s smile slightly drops. “He’s healthy. He’s still a little vulnerable, but there’s nothing too concerning. However, coma patients can experience nightmares so he’s a little uneasy about that. Just be gentle.”

Steve nods. “Of course.” He plants a kiss on top of James’ head and then heads into the room.

Wanda turns to Natasha and pokes James’ cheek. “How are you, Nat?”

“Better,” she says, truthfully.

Wanda faces the window with Natasha as they watch Steve smile and Bucky’s eyes widening when they lock eyes. “And what about you and Steve?”

Natasha bites her lip. “We haven’t talked, but we will.” She’s been thinking about what he had written in the letter and also taking into account everything that everyone’s been saying to her. She thinks she understands and she’s been trying to figure out what to do.

“Are you two going to be okay?” Wanda asks, concerned.

“We will be,” Natasha says. “We’ll never be perfect, but we’ll be okay. _Eventually_.”

“Have you decided what you’re gonna do?” Wanda cocks her head to the side. “Are you gonna give him a chance?”

Natasha licks her lips. “I think I will.” It’s not gonna overwhelm her to let Steve take her out or anything. They’ve done all that plenty of times before. It’s the feelings and emotions that’ll stress her out. 

Wanda looks surprised. “Wait, _really?_ ”

Natasha raises a brow.

“I just… Based on your track record, I was pretty sure there’d be more convincing needed,” Wanda says with a shrug. “No offense.”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “No worries.”

“Are you guys gonna like… date?” Wanda asks.

“TBD,” Natasha says, “I honestly have no idea. I’m going in clueless.”

“Well, as long as your flight instinct isn’t on, I think you’ll be okay,” Wanda says. “Seriously, though, please don’t run.”

Natasha nods. “I know. I _won’t_.”

She doesn’t want to run anymore. She remembers years ago how her mother told her that it doesn’t take long until the bohemian act just gets pathetic. She knows that running will do nothing for her now, especially since she’s a mother. It wouldn’t do her any good and it definitely wouldn’t make her feel better anymore. Running is a part of her past that she would like to leave there. 

Wanda opens her mouth to say something but they watch as Bucky and Steve turn to look out the window at them.

Steve motions for them to come inside.

“Is James even allowed to enter?” Natasha asks.

Wanda nods. “Bucky’s safe. He asked about James before you guys came. He really wants to meet him. No one told him that James is named after him, but I bet Steve just did, so he’s dying to meet him.”

Natasha smiles as she opens the door. “Hey, Bucky.”

“ _Nat_ , it’s good to see you.” Bucky smiles.

“That was the hardest two months of my life,” Natasha says, sternly. “Don’t scare us like that again, Buck. I went into labor like five minutes after arriving back to New York.”

Bucky chuckles. “ _Sorry_. Next time I’ll make sure Sam’s sitting on the left side.”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Just meet your nephew.” She comes up to his side and Steve scoots away to give her room. 

“So _this_ is James Samuel Rogers,” Bucky says fondly.

Steve nods. “Yes.”

Bucky smirks. “He’s got a legendary name.” He reaches out to stroke his cheek. “He has your eyes, Steve. What a fucking _shame_. Nat’s got nicer eyes.”

Natasha smirks. 

Steve rolls his eyes. 

“Bucky, _my_ eyes are blue,” Wanda says with a hand on her hip. 

“Wanda, doll, you know I love you,” Bucky says, cheekily. He turns back to James. “So this little sucker was born early. He looks like he’s doing alright.”

“Pretty good,” Natasha says. “He’s been waiting to meet his Uncle Bucky.”

Bucky chuckles. “ _Well_ , he’s definitely gonna need me. It’s not like he’s gonna get any stability with you two crazy kids as his parents.”

He raises a brow. “So what’s been happening between you two while I was out? Steve summed it up, but I’d love to hear your side of the story.”

“ _Bucky_ ,” Wanda says, warningly.

“Another time, then,” Bucky says.

Natasha shrugs. “Actually, I wanted to talk to Steve in private. Away from here. Without James. Just the two of us.”

Steve raises a brow.

“Abandoning your baby _already?_ ” Bucky snorts.

“You’re lucky I don’t have the heart to smack you right now,” Wanda says to him. She turns to Natasha. “I can watch him for a couple of hours.”

Natasha smiles. “That’d be great.”

Soon enough, they find themselves walking around a cemetery. 

“I’ve been doing some soul searching for the past week,” Natasha says as she leads him towards her parents’ graves. “I’ve talked to a lot of people. Most of them involuntarily but whatever. They all had good things to say.”

“Really?” Steve raises a brow. “Sam told me he and Maria went to see you and knowing _Sam_ …”

Natasha chuckles. “Sam is Sam. No matter what he says, it always comes out in an… _interesting_ way.” She shrugs. “But when he was making some sense, he did say some reasonable things.”

“ _Like?_ ” Steve’s curious. 

“I’ve been unfair. I’ve been bitchy. I’ve been too difficult,” Natasha says, “The usual things. Don’t tell me that it’s wrong because I know damn well that you agree.”

Steve sighs. “It’s understandable. It’s nothing to hold against you.”

“But it _should_ be,” Natasha says. “I kind of touched on it before, but it’s a given that I’m the reason that this has been dragged out. I should’ve been more clear. I should’ve faced reality instead of hiding.”

“And what’s your reality?” Steve asks.

“No matter what, we’ll never be perfect and we’ll never be able to forget our past. We can move on from it and learn from it, but it’ll always be apart of us. No matter how hard we try, we’ll never be normal people,” Natasha says. “I wish we could just start over and pretend we don’t have a decade of history, but with James, we **can’t**.”

Steve nods. “It’d be hard to forget ten or so years of our lives.”

Natasha stops in front of her parents’ headstones and sits down on the trimmed grass. “It would be. I also don’t know if I’d really want to forget it all. There was a lot of pain, but there was a lot of good stuff.”

Steve sits down next to her. “It shaped who we became.”

“It did,” Natasha says. She turns to him. “I have to apologize. Don’t say I don’t have to. I want to apologize for everything. Everyone knocked some sense into me for the past week and then Tony delivered your letter and it really hit me that I was terrible to you.”

Steve shakes his head. “ _Nat_ —”

“I really mean it,” Natasha interjects. “I _always_ dismissed your feelings or downplayed it even though I knew deep down that it was wrong of me to do so. It definitely wasn’t fair for you to deal with that for years and years. I didn’t even think about how it made you feel, but the letter made it obvious.”

“I wasn’t sure how long I was gonna hold onto that,” Steve admits, “I wasn’t sure if I was even going to give it to you.”

“I’m glad you did,” Natasha says, “It gave me personal insight that I always avoided. It feels good to know the truth even though it kind of fucking sucks. I just… I’ve been wallowing for the past week because I don’t know how to make this situation the best it can be. I _hurt_ you. I know I did. I wish I could take it back but I also don’t know how to begin that. I care for you and I do love you and it just trips me up.”

“The Natasha that I’ve known for over twelve years doesn’t wallow,” Steve says, seriously.

She smiles a little and shrugs. “The Natasha that you know…” She says quietly.

Steve raises a brow. 

“Maybe I’m not her anymore. It’s been years, after all.”

Steve shakes his head. “You  _ are _ .” He says it like he just knows it and it’s not up for discussion. 

“Who am I to you?” Natasha furrows her brows. 

“You’re really asking me?” Steve asks. 

“I’d like to hear your opinion,” Natasha says, “I’m not going to cower if you say something nice. I won’t be like that anymore.”

Steve cocks his head. “Well, if you’re sure.”

She nods.

“There’s always a light shining with you. I couldn’t look away back then and I can’t now, either. You’re like a lighter, lighting everything up. To me, you light up my world. That’s who you are to me. You’re a _lighter_. You light up a lot of people’s worlds. I know you were at your best when you were doing philanthropy job a few years ago,” Steve replies.

“Lights go out,” Natasha says.

“That’s true,” Steve says, “but the light you have never goes out. It may dim, but it’s _never_ gone. You have your flaws, we all do, and you have your rough moments, but the light never truly goes out in you. Again, it dims. You’re _many_ things to me, but to sum it all up, you’re everything to me.” He sounds sincere. 

Natasha smiles. “If I’m a lighter, you’re a firecracker and I never had the sense to stay away from things that spark.”

“I never did, either,” Steve says. 

Natasha turns towards the headstones. “I always wonder what they’d think. They died knowing I was still traveling around the world, confused as hell about who I am. I always wonder what it’d be like if they were still alive.” She chuckles. “I know my mom would have canceled all of my cards and threatened me if I kept trying to continue my little journey.”

“Things would probably be different,” Steve says, “but it’s all speculation now. We’ll never know.”

Natasha sighs. “I wish I did. My parents weren’t perfect but I’m sure that if they were here, I’d have some sense and direction in my life.”

Steve shrugs. “But there’s no guarantee you would have liked the path they would have paved for you.”

“That’s true,” Natasha says, “but then maybe I would have been free from all this self-torture.”

“The past is in the past, Nat,” Steve says, “You can’t take it back, but you can move forward. Your parents would have wanted you to be happy.”

Natasha licks her lips. “I just wish they were still here.” Although her relationship with her parents wasn’t anything special, she missed having her family. Nothing was quite the same after they had died. 

“I know,” Steve says, reaching out to wrap his arm around her shoulders. “I wish they were here for you, too. I know it would help.”

“They liked you and your family. I remember. They always spoke highly of the Rogers family,” Natasha says. “They probably never would have expected that you and I would end up like this.”

Her parents weren’t oblivious and they had known that their daughter was wild just like how Steve’s parents knew that about him. They’d also known that she was close with Steve, but she’s pretty sure that they didn’t think their weird friendship would ever last. Or that they’d have a kid together, at the very least.

“Same with mine,” Steve says, “but they both claim there was always a good connection between us.”

Natasha sighs. “Speaking of connection, we can’t completely start over, but we can try to rekindle it again. We’ll talk. We’ll listen. We’ll do it differently than last time and we’ll see where we can go from there. Just like your letter said, we’ll be real friends,” Natasha says. “Can we try again?”

Steve smiles. “Of course.”

Natasha grins back at him and she pulls him into a hug. “ _Good_.”

* * *

Three weeks later on a sunny May day, Bucky’s parents host a party in honor of his recovery. It’s also an official meet and greet for James Rogers. 

“You look great, Bucky,” Loki says, patting him on the back. “You feeling alright, though?”

“Pretty good,” Bucky says. “I just had to take things slow.”

“We’re glad you’re doing good, pal,” Thor says. “You scared us.”

Bucky chuckles. “I’ll try to be more careful next time.”

Jane points a finger at him. “You _better_.” She turns to Steve, who’s holding James in his arms. “ _Aw_ , look at this little angel, Thor.”

Thor smiles and wiggles his finger in front of his face. 

Loki nudges Natasha. “It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that you and Rogers made the most beautiful baby of all time.”

“It was actually 95% me and 5% Steve,” Natasha says with a smirk. “It’s mostly the eyes for Steve.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “You know _what_ , Romanoff…”

Her smirk grows wider. “My Russian genes probably overpower your American genes. I especially hope that, in the future, he’s inherited my vodka tolerance because lord knows if he has  _ yours _ , that poor soul.” She tickles James’ cheeks.

Bucky reaches for James. “Let me hold the little tyke. He and I are the guests of honor, after all.”

“ _Mhmm_ , Buck,” Steve says, handing his son over to his best friend.

“Who am I kidding though? James inherited Steve’s facial features,” Natasha says, “All the ladies are gonna swoon over him.” She shrugs. “Sometimes I forget that Steve’s, like, _attractive_.”

In one consecutive moment, Thor gasps while Bucky sputters in disbelief and Loki shakes his head.

“Wow,  _ thanks _ ,” Steve scoffs. “You really know how to make a guy feel good.”

Natasha gives him a knowing look. “ _Oh_ , you know what I mean. You don’t need me to tell you you’re handsome for you to know that.”

Steve raises a brow. “You think I’m handsome?”

“Is this _really_ a question you have for me?” Natasha’s brows furrow. 

Bucky pretends to gag and looks down at little James, running his thumb over his soft cheeks. “Your parents are absolutely _disgusting_. You stick with  _ me _ , nephew, and I’ll show you how it’s done.”

Wanda rolls her eyes. “You’re annoying.”

“But you love me,” Bucky says with a shrug.

“ _Unfortunately_ ,” Wanda sighs overdramatically. 

“We’re going to start eating soon, so if you guys could put the flirting on hold until after dinner, that’d be great,” Bucky says.

Steve snorts in amusement. “Bucky, stop.”

The past three weeks with Steve have been pretty peaceful. They’ve been trying to get along like friends by having conversations about random stuff like favorite movies and songs. They talk about their dreams and aspirations for James. They cook and clean the penthouse together. They don’t bring up their own future yet. They’re not quite ready for that.

They’re making good progress and Natasha’s proud to say there haven’t been any awkward moments with him. There definitely will be some later, but she’s not itching to get to those already. 

“Whatever,” Bucky says with a smirk. “Do you want your spawn back or can I parade around with him to get even more attention?”

“As long as you’re safe,” Natasha answers.

“So, I’ll follow him around,” Wanda says.

“You already know.” Natasha chuckles.

Bucky snickers and he and Wanda wander off towards the mass of people.

“Can you imagine those two having kids?” Steve asks as they begin to walk around the perimeter of the penthouse. 

“Oh, _God_. I don’t know who’d have it worse: them or the kids,” Natasha laughs. 

They circle around and thank people who congratulate them on James’ birth. 

“They’re all probably gossiping about us when they’re not around,” Natasha says, “They probably still wonder what’s going on between us, even after all this time.”

“They always will,” Steve says, “We’re entertaining enough for them.”

Natasha stops and puts her hands on her hips. “We’re not even that interesting, especially as of late.”

Steve shrugs. “Being very domestic and kind with each other does that.”

Natasha smiles. “But I’m glad. It’s _nice_.”

“It is,” Steve responds. 

It’s definitely refreshing considering their history. They still sleep in different rooms, just because they don’t want things to seem awkward, but they spend a lot of time lounging around the penthouse. 

Natasha wouldn’t admit it yet, but Steve’s company was really nice. She could have a good time with him doing the most innocent things and it was more fun than dancing on top of tables and drinking her life away. It had surprised her since she had never thought she would be the type of enjoy the simplest things.

“I actually got you something,” Steve says, snapping her out of her thoughts.

Natasha furrows her brow. “You did? Why? You didn’t have to get me anything for any reason.”

Steve reaches into his pocket and pulls out a velvet box. “I know, but I still wanted to anyway. You’ve been through a lot and I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

Natasha takes the velvet box from him and opens it. Inside is a golden Russian rings necklace, inspired by traditional Russian wedding rings. “Steve, this is _beautiful_.”

“I had engravings done for the rings,” Steve says, pointing to them.

Natasha looks and sees that the three rings each have a name engraved. “James. Anna. Andrei.” Her son and her parents. She looks up at him. “Thank you. It’s beautiful, but you really didn’t have to.”

“I know,” Steve says, “but I wanted to.”

He takes the necklace from the box and Natasha turns around, moving her hair aside so that he can clasp it on for her. 

She suddenly thinks back to the skull ring he gave her years and years ago and the necklace that he had bought her for her birthday in London. “I love it, but I don’t think anything beats the skull ring you gave me. Although, it may have an edge over the necklace from London.”

“The skull ring was my favorite,” Steve says. “I’m glad you held onto it.”

The rings are cold against her skin. 

Natasha turns back to face him and raises an eyebrow. “It’s your favorite? Well, do you want it back?”

Steve chuckles and shakes his head. “No. It’s yours now. You’ve had for, like, eight years now. It belongs to you.”

“Eight years, _huh_ ,” Natasha says, “Your senior prom.” She remembers that night well. She had a great time with Rhodey, but that was also the night that Natasha had found herself in awe of Steve. 

“What a night that was,” Steve says with a chuckle. 

“Interesting times.” Natasha nods. “I remember a lot of booze and a lot of crack.”

Steve smirks. “Those were the glorious high school days.”

“The glorious days before our story had started,” Natasha notes. “It feels like a lifetime ago.”

“I would never have guessed that we would go from having sex for the first time at my graduation party to this,” Steve says.

Natasha shrugs. “I’m sure no one would have guessed that.”

“Funny how life works out, huh?” Steve raises a brow.

“ _Mhmm_.” It’s crazy to her how long ago some of her greatest memories with Steve were. Sometimes she can’t even believe how long their history is. It’s crazier than she can imagine.

“Well, all hail to the glory days. Maybe one day we’ll find our way back to that, minus the drugs, of course,” Steve says.

Natasha cocks her head. “Maybe not.” She chuckles.

“A guy can only dream.” Steve smiles and it’s that smile that she loves so much.

Natasha grins back at him and they continue to walk together, greeting people and engaging in small talk. She knows there are people whispering about them and pointing to them, but nobody seems to be out of line the way they were at the Rumlow dinner party, so she’s relieved. 

She’s perfectly content now. She doesn’t want that to be ruined.

The next day, Steve offers to take her and James out to a picnic in Central Park. The weather is getting nicer and the park is beautiful at this time.

“He looks so adorable in his little hat,” Natasha laughs, as James grabs onto her shirt. “Little angel.”

“That’s what happens when I pick his outfit out,” Steve smirks, triumphantly.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Natasha says, “The rest of his outfit is absolutely horrendous. _Honestly_ , it’s good your mother bought you closets full of clothes or else I really fear for your outfits.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Well, we can’t _all_ be perfect.”

Natasha shakes her head. “No, we can’t.” She grabs a pita chip and dips it into a bowl of hummus. “But this little dude needs to be and you really disappointed me, Rogers.”

“Well, how can I fix it?” Steve raises a brow.

“I  _ am  _ a sucker for jewelry,” Natasha says, pointing to the skull ring on her right middle finger. 

“Now, that’s just gold-digging behavior,” Steve jokes before taking a swig of his apple juice. 

Natasha snorts in amusement. “ _Kidding_.”

“But are you really?”

“ _God_ , sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth.” 

“That’s so mean.” Steve’s nose wrinkles. He turns to James. “Little man, I hope you inherited my kindness because your mommy sure as hell can’t offer you much.”

“ _Hey!_ ” Natasha yelps.

Steve gives her a knowing look and she giggles. 

“I hate you.” She pretends to punch his shoulder. 

“You can’t,” Steve says, “I’m unhateable. _No one_ hates me.”

“Well, I’ll be the first,” Natasha says with a smirk.

Steve shakes his head. “ _Nope. Nope. Nope_.” 

They both laugh.

Natasha’s still in disbelief that she and Steve are able to do this. They’re acting so civil and domestic without the help of alcohol and drugs and without sex. She’s enjoying this more than she imagined she ever would and she’s glad that she and Steve are willing to try again. There’s no real label on what they’re going to be, but she’s perfectly happy with the way things are going now. 

“You know… we’re actually not far from the place where we first met,” Steve says as he watches Natasha wipe James’ face clean. 

Natasha raises a brow. “Really?”

Steve nods. “ _Mhmm_. Don’t you remember?”

“The first time I saw you was at the Coulson wedding at the Waldorf-Astoria,” Natasha says as her brows furrow. “We talked for like thirty seconds.”

Steve laughs. “It actually wasn’t. The Coulson wedding was, like, a week after the first time we met.”

Natasha has this confused expression on her face that Steve chuckles at. “How did we first meet then?”

Steve smiles. “The Shakespeare Garden, here in Central Park. Rumlow’s parents were having a dinner party at the Loeb Boathouse and we were all there. There were a lot of us so we didn’t talk at the dinner, but you know how we are. You were twelve-years-old and  _ drunk  _ and well, so was I at fourteen. So were all of us, though.”

Natasha chuckles. “Everyone at the Shield School had their first drink at twelve at the latest.”

Steve chortles. “ _Exactly_. But anyway, the dinner party had kind of died down and us kids wandered around Shakespeare Garden as we waited for our parents to stop talking to each other and go home. I remember Wanda and Pietro dancing around without a care in the world. I remember Tony and Pepper flirting by the flowers. He put one in her hair. But what I remember most is _you_. You were out of your head, more than I was when you came to me and introduced yourself to me. You had a Russian accent at the time and because of that, you instantly became the most interesting person I’d ever met.”

“ _God_ , I barely remember that party. I remember, like, little flashes of it. I don’t think I remember the garden at all,” Natasha says.

“You had the biggest smile on your face and you were holding onto the skirt of your dress, twirling around me. You told me you were a ballerina back in Russia and I told you that I couldn’t dance. You said you’d teach me so you grabbed my hands and you started doing these moves, but you were drunk so it was just a bunch of twirling. You kept laughing every time we stumbled and then, eventually, our parents showed up and we had to leave. You smiled at me and started singing as your parents took you to the car,” Steve finishes. “You were always an interesting spirit.”

Natasha laughs. “ _Damn_. I was always a messy kid. Dancing while drunk in a garden at age twelve? Sometimes I forget how crazy I’ve been.”

“We all were,” Steve says, “but you had interested me since then. I think you interested basically everyone. For the next couple of years before we actually started talking to each other, I had always remembered you as the drunk girl in the pink dress dancing around the prettiest garden in Manhattan with eyes wide as saucers and a smile like no other.” He inhales. “You were a lively vision then and you still are now.”

“I can’t believe you remember that,” Natasha says in disbelief. “That was like twelve, thirteen years ago.”

Steve shrugs. “You’ve always stood out to me.”

“I was _crazy_ ,” Natasha says, “I’m trying to imagine my twelve-year-old self doing that and I’m becoming embarrassed.”

Steve chuckles. “It was quite cool, don’t worry.” He pauses and adds, “You looked really pretty then. Your smile was just as pretty back then as it is now. Your laugh hasn’t changed.”

He reaches to tuck loose strands of her hair behind her ear. “It’s always been so damn hard to see that look on your face.”

Natasha laughs, raising a brow. “What look?”

“I don’t really know how to describe it, but it gets me _every_ time.” Steve’s grin widens. “First time I saw it was at that garden.”

Natasha blushes. Unlike the past, she doesn’t cower at his compliments and she doesn’t laugh them off. She smiles and finds it be the cutest thing. “You know how to flatter a girl _so_ well, Steve.”

“That’s all I want to do for you,” he says, truthfully.

Natasha smiles at him. “ _Good_. Maybe I’ll do the same for you.”

Steve looks kind of surprised at her response, but he doesn’t touch upon it. He smiles back at her and then looks at James. “Well, for one, you are a wonderful mother to James. He’s lucky to have you.”

Being complimented about her parenting skills does mean a lot to her. It probably means more than compliments about her looks. She pokes Steve in the shoulder. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

They both laugh and Natasha finds it so relaxing to just enjoy the humorous moments with Steve. She had always held back when it came to him, but after following everyone’s advice to just let herself naturally be with Steve, she finds it to be so much more enjoyable.

And easier too. _So_ much easier.

* * *

A couple of weeks later at the beginning of June, the biggest event that everyone’s talking about is Maria and Sam’s wedding at the Four Seasons Hotel.

“I’m _so_ fucking nervous,” Maria says as she takes deep breaths. “What if I trip in the aisle?”

“Oh, _please_ ,” Pepper says, dismissively, “We’ve been trained to walk in heels since we were children. We masted Louboutins by the time we were tweens. You’ll be fine.”

“You look _absolutely_ stunning,” Wanda says, as she circles around Maria. “Sam is so lucky. Is it too late to profess my love for you? Sam can have Bucky.”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Wanda, _oh my God_.”

Jane shrugs. “You know, I don’t think Bucky and Sam would be against that.”

“She’s right, but Wanda, shut up,” Natasha laughs, as she adjusts James’ position in her arms. 

Maria sighs when she hears James giggle. “It’s such a shame that this little cutie is only four months old. If only he was older, I’d love to have him walk down the aisle throwing flower petals out.”

“He’s Steve and Natasha’s son,” Pepper says, “Let’s not pretend that he’d be good at throwing flower petals out at any age.”

Jane snorts in amusement.

“ _Hey!_ ” Natasha says. 

Wanda rolls her eyes. “Okay, okay, back to Maria.” She reaches out and holds her hands. “Maria, you look incredible and this wedding is perfect. The decorations are flawless and we’ve planned this so well that it’ll all be okay. Even if it isn’t, it’s your wedding to remember so we’re gonna make the most of it.”

Maria takes a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s… _let’s do this!_ ”

Natasha smiles and they exit the room. She hands James to Sarah and Joseph so that she can get into formation with the rest of the bridesmaids. 

During the ceremony, she smiles at Steve, who’s dressed in a clean black tux along with Sam’s other groomsmen. 

Maria looks like a vision, absolutely flawless, as she walks down the aisle with the patriarch of the Hill banking family on her arm.

The ceremony is perfect and Natasha has tears forming at the ends of her eyes when Sam and Maria kiss. Everyone applauds as the couple makes their way down the aisle together.

The reception goes on and Sam and Maria share the first dance on the dancefloor. Steve and Natasha watch as they feed James, who seems to be getting bored with the event.

“Do you want to dance?” Steve asks. 

“Sure,” Natasha says with a nod. She turns to Clint. “Do you mind holding him while—”

“Not at all!” Clint insists, holding his arms out. “I need to start training him to say ‘Clint’ as his first word.”

Natasha rolls her eyes as Steve hands the baby over to him. “You’re ridiculous.”

“ _Hush_. He needs to focus on my name,” Clint says as he sets James on his lap. “Clint. _Cccccclllllliiiiinnnntttttt_.”

Steve offers his hand to Natasha and she takes it, letting him lead her to the dance floor. The song that’s playing isn’t slow, but it’s not fast either, but they still dance like it’s slow.

“Maria looked great,” Steve says, “Sam looked like he was on the verge of crying when she was walking down the aisle.’

“She did,” Natasha agrees, “Sam looked good too. That Armani suit looked amazing.”

“Mrs. Wilson always had a good idea for fashion,” Steve says with a chuckle.

Natasha cocks her head. “Isn’t it crazy to see how much we’ve all grown up? Pepper and Tony are married. You and I have a kid. Sam and Maria are married. Everyone else is in serious relationships. We all have jobs or other responsibilities. It’s so weird. We’re still _so_ young, though.”

“You didn’t hear this from me but Rumlow’s planning to propose to Sharon soon,” Steve says.

Natasha’s eyes widen. “ _Really?_ ”

Steve nods. “The guys and I are gonna help him pick out a ring sometime later this month. He’s ready to commit to her.”

“ _Wow_ ,” she says in disbelief, “Just the thought of the two of them being friends was crazy enough, but getting _married?_ That’s unbelievable.” She sways her hips to the music. 

Steve shrugs. “I think they always had a liking towards each other since we were kids. Their little thing didn’t start until after high school. You probably saw them for the first time in Budapest.”

Natasha pauses. “I actually do remember that.”

“They’re definitely an unexpected pairing, but they’re really good together,” Steve says, “I’m really happy for them. When Sharon and I broke up, I never would have thought she’d go after Rumlow. I would’ve thought Ward, but then Ward and Daisy are all wrapped up in each other, so I guess that never had a chance.”

Natasha chuckles. “She and Rumlow are gonna have gorgeous children then.”

“That  _ is  _ crazy to think about,” Steve says, before spinning her around. “High school feels like a lifetime ago, but it also doesn’t at the same time. It’s weird.”

“Time’s weird like that,” Natasha says. “We’re all adulting and it feels like we’re so much older but we’re all still in our twenties. We still have so much more life to live.”

“There’s still a lot to experience,” Steve says with a nod.

“It’s scary,” Natasha says, “There’s still so much more change left to deal with. There’s still so much of the unknown that we’ve yet to discover. All of us are unique since we kinda grew up faster than most people our age yet we still have so many more things to experience.”

Steve chuckles. “It’s a scary world we’re living in.”

Natasha nods. “It is.” She thinks of what she had said to Sarah and says, “It makes me miss the days when I was just that carefree, twelve-year-old girl singing and dancing in Central Park and you were just that dreamy fourteen-year-old boy who didn’t know how to dance. We were young and naive to the harsh reality of the world. We were at _peace_.”

“When I was just a boy and you were just a girl…” Steve echoes, “A peace like no other.”

“But we’ll find it again,” Natasha says with a smile. "In some way."

She truly believes that she can. She and Steve are doing well and because of that, she really believes that maybe things could work with him. Maybe there’s hope.

The song switches to something more upbeat and Steve’s taken aback when Natasha pulls him towards her and starts letting loose. It’s like their runaway adventures all over again, minus the drugs and the booze and the provocativeness. It’s just simple fun now. 

Later on, Natasha sees Peggy Carter, Sharon’s cousin who lives in London, asking Steve for a dance. Steve looks at Natasha, who just nods, because what the hell could she even do, and then follows Peggy to the dancefloor.

Natasha watches them as Peggy gets close to him and grinds against him with her hands touching all over his chest. Even though she can’t see it clearly, she’s pretty sure that Peggy’s basically eye-fucking him. She feels her stomach churn and she flinches, because is she fucking jealous? Is that what she’s feeling right now?

Natasha swallows her breath as she sees Steve smile at her and spin the brunette out and back into his arms. She can hear them laugh and it’s making her feel uneasy.

“You good, Nat?” She hears Rhodey ask as he slides into the seat next to her.

She nods but doesn’t turn to look at him. “Yeah. Fine.”

Rhodey snorts in amusement. “Come on now.” He looks at the direction she’s looking towards and chuckles. “Peggy Carter, _huh?_ Haven’t seen her in a while. She looks good.”

He squints and hoots, “She might as well just take her clothes off. Look at how she’s—”

“Don’t be gross,” Natasha interrupts him.

“She _definitely_ wants Steve,” Rhodey says, “Now, I know that a girl can be expressive and have fun and all that without wanting to fuck someone, but I’m sure she’d shove her tongue down his throat if—”

“Rhodey, quit. Don’t put that image in my head,” she snaps. 

Rhodey looks at her in disbelief. “Natasha _fucking_ Romanoff… are you _jealous?_ ”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Don’t say the ‘J’ word.” She doesn’t want to think that she’s fallen this low to be  _ jealous _ .

“ _Oh my God_ , Natasha,” Rhodey says as he snickers. “There’s no need to be jealous. Like _at all_. They’re just dancing and we all know that Steve’s whipped for you.”

Natasha glares at him. “Rhodey, do you want to _die?_ ”

“I’m just saying.” He shrugs. “You know he’d do anything for you in a heartbeat. There’s no need to be jealous. Although, I suppose that _could_ be a good sign for Steve. If you’re jealous, that means you must feel the same way about him and—”

“Okay, _goodbye_ , Rhodey. I’m gonna go get my son back from whoever’s holding him now,” Natasha says as she stands up.

Rhodey chuckles. “Tony.”

“Oh,  _ no _ .” Natasha rushes off.

Eventually, the reception’s over and James is out. After putting him in his crib, Natasha sits on the terrace, looking out at the beautiful Manhattan skyline. 

Steve joins her with a carton of chocolate milk, a jar of applesauce, and Lucky Charms.

“Pick your poison,” he says as he lays it out on the coffee table.

Natasha laughs. “You’re being such an enabler,” she teases him.

“We’ve done worse,” Steve says. “We could be choosing between snorting cocaine, drinking vodka, and partying on rooftops in Europe. This is just baby food.”

“You have a point,” Natasha says as she reaches for the chocolate milk.

“Did you have a fun time?” Steve asks as he opens the jar of applesauce and starts picking at it with a spoon. 

For the most part, she did. The ceremony was beautiful and most of the reception was fun.

They have a light conversation about the highlights of the wedding such as Bucky’s best man speech, the mouthwatering delicious food, and James being the center of attention for a lot of the reception.

Steve laughs. “It really was great overall. I know we kind of got separated towards the end.”

Yeah, because he was talking to Peggy.

Natasha nods. “I did. I saw that you did too. That was Peggy Carter, wasn’t it?” She takes a sip of her chocolate milk. 

If she seems bitter, Steve doesn’t seem to notice it. He nods. “Yeah. I haven’t seen her in ages.” She had moved from New York back to London not long after Natasha moved to the United States. 

“She’s gotten very pretty,” Natasha says, “She always was, but she looked really great tonight.” She has no idea why she’s even saying that but she’s curious as to how Steve reacts.

Steve nods. “Yeah, she’s gorgeous.” Steve swallows a hunk of applesauce. 

It stings. Natasha hates the reason why. “Is she just staying for the wedding?”

“She said she’s not sure,” Steve replies. “She said she’s thinking about moving back.”

Natasha fakes a smile. “That’s great.”

“I wish she could have talked to you and met James,” Steve says. “She was really surprised to hear that you and I had a kid together.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” Steve says with a chuckle, “She said that she had heard we had a thing back then, but she didn’t think it would last.”

Natasha’s chest tightens. “I guess she can join the club.”

“It was cool to see her again,” Steve says, “She’s a pretty good dancer. Not as good as you when you were twelve, but she’s good too.”

“I noticed, Steve. It was _wonderful_ ,” Natasha says, icily. It comes out more bitter than she would have liked, but there’s nothing she can do about it. 

Steve frowns at her. “What?”

Natasha knows she’s being unreasonable, even though she’d hate to admit it. She’s not an idiot and she knows that she’s jealous. She doesn’t want him to see anyone else or sleep with anyone else. It makes her remember their fight from a few months ago and how badly they handled it. 

The problem with her is that she can’t express her feelings without acting absolutely terrible which ends up causing fights. She doesn’t want to tell Steve that she’s jealous because it’ll probably lead to Steve asking about their future again and she’s not in the mood to deal with that.

They have never had their shit together long enough to last. It’s unsettling and she really doesn’t understand how two people can care so much for each other but still suck at communication. 

She yawns and uses it as an excuse to leave. “I’m getting pretty tired. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, Steve.”

Steve looks like he’s unconvinced but he simply nods. “Goodnight, Nat.”

Natasha returns to her room and when she shuts the door behind her, she grumbles, “Why are you _such_ a fucking idiot, Nat?”

The next day, Natasha leaves before Steve wakes up. She leaves him a text saying that she’s going to hang out with Wanda for the day and that Bucky was gonna come over to babysit James if he felt like leaving too.

Of course, neither Wanda nor Bucky were aware of these plans but she told Wanda what was going on and then Wanda pretty much made Bucky do as she wanted, no questions asked.

“So, you’re _jealous_ ,” Wanda says as they poke at the pasta dishes they ordered for dinner.

They had avoided talking about the situation all day as they shopped and shopped around the city. 

“I think.”

Wanda gives her a knowing look. “ _Nat_.”

“Okay, _fine_. I am. I was _jealous_.” It feels like a weight is off her shoulder when she admits it.

“I don’t know why you feel that way,” Wanda says, “Steve’s been pining after you forever. One slightly inappropriate dance with Peggy, on Peggy’s part, isn’t gonna change that.”

“I know,” Natasha says, “It’s unreasonable of me, but I just… I’m feeling things that I normally don’t. I don’t know why.”

Wanda smirks. “But _I_ do. I think all of us do. You and Steve are just idiots.” She swallows a chunk of her ravioli. 

Natasha narrows her eyes at her.

“You have feelings for him. _Actual_ feelings for him,” Wanda says, “Not that ‘Oh, I love him as a friend’ bullshit. You actually _really_ like him. You want him.”

Natasha groans. “ _Come on_ , Wanda. You know that’s overwhelming.” She’s ready to stab her with her fork. 

“Overwhelming or not, it’s the truth and it’s out there for you to realize.” Wanda sounds excited. “You _love_ him, Nat! And not just as a friend. You actually have deep feelings for him. That’s why you feel jealous.”

“I just wanted to eat some pasta,” Natasha says.

Wanda rolls her eyes. “Shut up, Nat. Think about it. You’ve been trying this thing with Steve, trying to be his friend for, like, the past month and a half. But really, you’ve been falling for him because you finally took everyone’s advice and let yourself feel again. You gave Steve a chance to be the best person he is and you fell in love with him because of that.”

“That’s absolutely frightening,” Natasha says, tensely.

Wanda nods. “I know, but it’s great, Natasha. It _really_ is. I’m happy for you.”

Natasha sighs. “What the hell do I do now? Confess my love for him in a candlelit area decorated with rose petals?”

“That’d be nice, but things are never simple with you so just… have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you were jealous and then tell him why,” Wanda answers.

“Why couldn’t you and I just fall in love with each other? That would be so much easier,” Natasha says before taking a deep breath.

Wanda snorts in amusement. “ _I know, I know_.” She reaches out to touch her best friend’s wrist. “I’m happy for you, Nat. You and Steve always had a story that deserved a happy ending. It’s taken a _long-ass_ time but it’s finally here. Let it happen. Let yourself be happy. You love him. You _do_. It’s taken you a long time to feel the same way but we’re finally here. Let yourself love him, Nat.”

Natasha takes a deep breath. “I know.”

Wanda smiles at her. “Now, get out of here! I’ll pay the bill and you make sure to send my boyfriend back to me so that I can spend some  _ quality  _ time with him.” She smirks.

“You’re so gross,” Natasha says, sticking her tongue out. 

Wanda just laughs as Natasha gets out of her seat.

She walks home and her heart is beating so fast as she makes her way up the elevator. She has absolutely no idea what she’s doing or how she’s gonna so whatever she’s doing. This isn’t something she usually does. Hell, she never did this when was with Bruce.

Natasha enters the penthouse and sees Bucky and Steve watching TV in the living room. “Where’s James?”

“Sleeping in the nursery,” Bucky replies. “Your son is literally a _bear_. Eating and sleeping. All he does.”

“He gets that from his father,” Natasha says with a chuckle as she sets her bag on the kitchen table. “You can go now, Buck. Wanda says she _really_ wants you back at her place. It was very inappropriate the way she said it.”

Bucky smirks. “That’s my girl.” He gets up and pats Steve on the shoulder. “See you later, man.” He smiles at Natasha. “See ya, Nat.”

Natasha bids him farewell and then walks to the sofa, taking Bucky’s place. “What were you guys watching?”

“ _The Sopranos_ ,” Steve replies with his gaze fixated on her. She’s pretty sure that he’s thinking about her tone of voice last night on the terrace.

“Good ass show,” Natasha murmurs, as she grabs the remote and turns the volume a little louder. She sets it down and scoots closer to Steve.

He doesn’t say anything, but she knows that he’s surprised at her action. She leans against his chest and hooks her arm with his. She can feel how warm he is as she cuddles up to him. 

Steve looks concerned. “What are you doing?” It’s not meant to be offensive and she knows that. 

Natasha doesn’t answer. She just chuckles. 

“You’re being pretty cuddly for someone who sounded pretty pissed off at me.”

“I wasn’t pissed,” Natasha insists, shaking her head quickly. “I was… I was just _jealous_. And I guess a little hurt oot.” It feels strange to confess this and she lets go of him to look at his face. 

Steve tenses and he lets out his breath. “ _Natasha_ …” He almost whispers, “You—”

“I know we’re not really anything besides co-parents and now, thankfully,  _ friends _ , but… we’re something else too, aren’t we?” Natasha’s in disbelief that she actually said what she just said and Steve looks taken aback.

“For almost a decade,” Steve replies and he has that sad look in his eyes that makes her heart churn.

“I don’t even know how to put into words everything that’s in my head. The past decade has been crazy, but the past six, seven years… I _always_ ran, knowing that you would be a pit stop for me when I wanted one. It’s not fair. You’re always…” She pauses. “You’ve always been there.”

Steve blinks as if he’s unsure of what’s going on. “I know.” She doesn’t really know either. She’s never done anything like this before. 

“You never had to. You shouldn’t have.”

Steve sighs. “I’m a bad influence, I suppose. The choice was always to wait for you to call or never have you at all.”

It’s the truth but it’s so fucking sad that she turns away from him.

“ _Hey_ , look at me,” Steve says softly, touching her shoulder. “You still have something to say. Just say it. I’ll always listen to you.’

Natasha swallows her breath and looks up at his face. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” It’s so scary to say something so bold, but she has nothing to lose at this point.

“Well, then who do you want me to be with?” He speaks carefully as if she’s fragile.

“ _ Steve _ …”

Steve shakes his head. “It’s been years, Nat. We’re not kids anymore. We’re not playing this game anymore. I’m gonna need you to tell me straightforward.” 

He’s right. Natasha knows that it’s childish to keep going back and forth and back and forth. They have a child together. They’re not children anymore. They can’t act like this isn’t anything serious at all. 

The only thing Natasha knows is that she wants Steve all to herself. It’s taken her far too long to realize it, but since she’s finally allowed herself to let it happen and give Steve a chance, she knows the truth now.

“I want you to be with me,” she confesses and she can see his eyes slightly widen as his mouth parts.

Steve looks rightfully shocked. She hopes that he understands that she truly means it and isn’t just saying it because it’s not like their history really helps her out.

He licks his lips. “ _Natasha_. You don’t have to say anything you don’t mean. If this is about our future and the uncertainty behind that, we don’t—”

“But I _do_ mean it,” Natasha interrupts him, “I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to keep playing games. I just want to be with you.”

Steve reaches out to touch her arm. “Natasha, _I_ —”

Natasha climbs onto his lap and puts her hands on his shoulders. “It’s taken me so long to realize it, but I finally have. I _love_ you, Steve. You probably still have an edge on that, but I love you. Not just as a friend. More than that. The past two months have made me realize that. I finally stopped being so stubborn and let myself go with the flow and I realized it.”

Steve moves his hands to her waist.

She continues, “I didn’t let you in completely because I didn’t want to deal with all the difficult shit that comes with feelings and emotions all that. I just wanted to have my fun with you. I didn’t want that to change. I don’t like being caught in the unknown so I never let myself do it. It was terrible of me and I treated you like garbage when all you did was treat me like a queen. But I’m not gonna be stubborn anymore. I’m gonna face reality. I’m gonna venture into the unknown. I don’t know what’s in the unknown but I do know that I only want to experience it with you. _Only_ you. It’s always been you since that day in Shakespeare Garden.”

Steve looks into her eyes and says, “I like this. You coming to me and confessing as you sit in my lap. I like that you’re being honest with me.”

Natasha says, sincerely, “I love you, Steve. I’m sorry it took me forever to realize it, but I _do_.”

“I’m just glad you realized it,” Steve says. “Even if it took years and years.”

“I think a part of me started to slowly realize I loved you not long after I started going to Dr. Palmer. I think there were little hints,” Natasha says. “They all added up until I finally realized it.”

Steve smiles. “Well, _thank God_ you did.”

Natasha shyly smiles back. “Kiss me?”

And he does. His lips meet hers and everything feels right. She kisses him back as her hands bury in his hair and his hands start moving up and down her back and sides. 

“Thank you for waiting for me,” Natasha murmurs against his lips. “You waited for, like, seven years. You didn’t have to, but you did and I can’t be any more grateful. Thank you.” 

“ _Always_ ,” he says as his lips brush against hers.

Natasha kisses him again. “I don’t know how you continued sleeping with me back then. I don’t know how you were patient through it all.”

Steve smiles. “I really liked sleeping with you.” The two necklaces he had gotten for her are hanging off her neck and he gently touches them. 

She chuckles as she grinds her hips against him. “You were okay.”

Steve raises a brow, inquisitively. “I can always do better.”

Natasha smirks at him. “Then, go at it.”

It’s the best night of her life. She’s never felt so much pleasure and Steve brings her to the edge and she loves every second of it.

The next morning, Natasha wakes up early and slips out of the room to start making breakfast. She’s not that hungry so she settles for bacon and French toast.

“Hey beautiful,” she hears Steve say, sleepily, behind her. She turns around and Steve is shirtless, rubbing his tired eyes.

“Morning,” she says with a smile.

Steve stretches his arms. “Nice shirt, Romanoff. Where’d you get it? It looks familiar.”

Natasha chuckles. “No comment.” She grabs the breakfast plates from the counter and sets them on the kitchen table. “You hungry?”

Steve nods. “ _Definitely_.”

“I know that sharing breakfast after we wake up together isn’t normal so I thought I’d just go at it,” Natasha says, handing him a fork and knife.

Steve raises a brow. “If my eyes worked correctly, I’m pretty sure I woke up _alone_ , actually.”

She chuckles. “ _What?_ Did you think I would run from my own home? From my son?” It’s a joke but she sees Steve stiffen.

“That’s not what I was hinting at,” Steve says, before taking a sip of his orange juice.

“I’m just teasing,” Natasha says with a smile.

“Well, I’ll have to admit that for .1 of a second, I had a fear that you left,” Steve replies, “but I smelled the food.” He smiles. “And also I used my brain and thought reasonably.”

Natasha laughs. “Things are different now.”

They’re halfway through breakfast and engaging in a conversation about Bucky and Wanda when Steve accidentally squirts the bottle of maple syrup too hard and some of it gets on Steve’s shirt that Natasha’s wearing.

“Careful, there,” Natasha says, shaking her head. “We have a baby who’s going to grow into a messy toddler. We can’t have you joining him with that.”

Steve smirks. “That’s true. We gotta get you cleaned up.” He licks his lips. 

“ _Oh my God_ , Steve,” Natasha snickers. “Do you want to finish breakfast or do you want to have sex in the kitchen?”

His smirk grows wider. “ _Both_.” He leans in to kiss her but pauses. “But if this is _really_ going to work between us, it can’t just be sex. It has to be more if we want it to last. It can’t be different if it’s just the same as it was.”

Natasha laughs and gives him a knowing look. “Steve, it’s _you and me_. It’s never been just sex.” She leans over and kisses him. “It was never meant to be like that at all.”

“So, we’re dating?” Steve asks. He wants to be sure.

Natasha nods. “Of course. That’s all I want.”

“We’re really doing this,” Steve says.

“We’re really doing this,” Natasha repeats with a smile.

Steve raises a brow. “What are other people going to think? They’ve always had an opinion on us.”

“Since when do we care what other people think?” Natasha answers his question with a question.

Steve’s smile widens and he kisses her, bringing her up against the wall to make the most of their time before James wakes up.

Later that day, after having sex several times around the penthouse, Natasha decides to give Wanda a call to update her on what happened. 

“Steve and I are dating.”

Wanda’s silent on the other end of the line and Natasha has to say her name to get her attention.

“ _ Hm _ . Are you  _ really? _ ” Wanda asks. “Will this lead to another disaster? Because, no offense, you know that you two definitely won’t be able to survive it if there is another one. And the rest of us have zero interest in dealing with that.”

“We  _ are _ … and we know,” Natasha responds, truthfully. “We understand the consequences.”

“You’re both confident,” Wanda notes. “That’s good… but you two will either get married and literally die together or tear everything apart. You get that?”

“I do,” Natasha admits. 

Wanda sighs. “ _ God _ , I hate you both, but I’m  _ so  _ fucking happy. I’m glad you guys are giving it a shot.” She squeals.

Natasha smiles. “Go tell everyone. Let the news be heard.”

And it is. All of their friends text and call with messages expressing relief and happiness. Thor even says that everything in the world has now fallen in place because of them.

“They’re ridiculous,” Natasha says as she and Steve lay on the floor of the nursery with James as he does tummy time. 

“I know, but they’re our friends and it’s sweet how much they care,” Steve says. “I suppose.”

She reaches out to grab his hand. "They really want everything to work out between us. I know they're counting on us to make it work."

"We will," Steve assures her as he holds her hand tightly. "We're prepared for this. We've been through so much together that we know what to do with each other. We love each other. We love each other so much."

"Love is a fickle thing," Natasha says, looking into his blue eyes.

"It is," Steve says with a nod. "But we've got it figured out enough for us."

Natasha smiles. "We're not flakers anymore. We're really doing this."

Steve nods. "We are."

"No matter what happens between us, I hope you know that I do love you deeply. Time was our enemy but the feelings are genuine," Natasha says.

"I know that," Steve says, "and I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about how we'll end up because there's a good reason to believe in each other. To believe in _us_. If anything goes wrong, we'll be able to get through it. I know that for a fact."

Natasha looks at him with a brow raised. "Because?"

“Because you’re Natasha fucking Romanoff. You can do _anything_.”

She grins wider as she remembers when they had said this to each other. “And you’re Steve fucking Rogers. You can do _anything_.”

He kisses her and she feels like she's in paradise. 

* * *

**Epilogue**

Three Years Later

“Hey, beautiful. What are you reading?” 

Natasha looks up from her book and smiles when she sees Steve ambling towards her on the terrace with two glasses of lemonade. “ _The Great Gatsby_.”

“More Fitzgerald?” He hands her a glass. “Weren’t you just reading another one of his last week?”

She shakes her head, accepting the glass. “No. That was Hemingway, actually.”

“ _ Ah _ ,” Steve says, taking a seat next to her. “Gatsby, huh? Haven’t read a page of that since freshman year.” He takes a sip of his lemonade. 

“I haven’t read it since my freshman year, either,” Natasha says, “but I was going through my old stuff and I’ve been on a 20’s kick,  _ so _ …” She pauses. “I actually remember when I was reading this in freshman year. Wanda dragged me to the junior ring ceremony, but I was behind so I read the book during the ceremony.”

Steve pretends to look offended. “You read a book instead of paying attention to me getting a ring?”

Natasha shrugs. “Priorities.” She sips her lemonade. It’s delicious. 

“Now, that’s just cold,” Steve says with a laugh. He reaches for her book and closes it. “ _Well_ , I won’t let Jay Gatsby distract you from me again. Clint and Bobby are babysitting James for another seven hours so we gotta make the most of this alone time.”

Natasha snorts in amusement. “What do you want to do?” She sets the book down next to her glass.

“How about a walk around Central Park? We can get lunch around there, too,” Steve says.

“ _Wow_. Not sex?” Natasha says, slyly, “You’re losing your touch, Rogers.”

Steve rolls his eyes and offers his hand towards her. “ _Come on_.”

They stroll around Central Park and end up in the Shakespeare Garden where they had first met. 

"It's so beautiful here," Natasha murmurs as they walk around and take in the beauty of the garden. "I can't believe this is where we first met and I can barely remember even being here."

Steve chuckles. "That just means you can make plenty of new memories to take place of it." He takes her hand and brings her deep in the gardens where the prettiest arrangements of flowers grow.

"All of our friends have found their peace and are making their memories. Bucky and Wanda are getting married next month. Pepper and Tony have their daughter, Morgan. Rumlow and Sharon are married. Maria's pregnant with her first child with Sam. Clint and Bobbi are engaged. Even Bruce and Betty are married," Steve says.

Natasha smiles. "They're all doing great." She's happy for all of them, even Bruce and Betty. Their wedding ceremony and reception were both beautiful and she was grateful that Bruce had wanted her to be there. 

"But now it's _our_ turn," Steve says. "We've been doing this for years and years and it's finally our turn to find our forever peace."

She raises a brow. "Steve, what are you saying?"

"I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for over a decade now and I can't imagine life with you. You're absolutely _everything_ to me and I want to experience everything else that's left out there with you. You've entranced me since you were twelve-years-old and I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. You've always been an enigma to me that I could _never_ figure out. You were like a drug that I was hooked on. You were my greatest mystery to unravel. But I know who you are. I know what kind of person you are and that's the person I want to be with. You're beautiful. You're hardworking. You're selfless. You're kind. You're loyal. You're brave. You're a wonderful mother to James. A wonderful girlfriend to me. A wonderful person overall. I know this finding yourself journey was the hardest thing you went through and I'm glad it's over, but I want to start a forever journey with you. A _happy_ journey. I want it all. Whether you have baggage or not, I want it. You're the world to me," Steve says, as he reaches into his pocket. 

"Will you marry me?" He opens the box and shows her the most beautiful ring she's ever seen. 

Natasha's in shock. Steve just smiles. 

“You really want to marry me?” Natasha’s in complete and utter disbelief.

“I’ve been wanting to marry you for years, beautiful,” he replies. “Waiting for the right time was kind of a bitch.”

“And you thought waiting would be worth it?” She looks at him with an earnest expression on her face. “After _everything?_ ”

It’s hard to fathom. She knows that she has never been an easy person to deal with her whole life. Sometimes she wonders how she ever had friends, considering how much baggage she comes with.

To this day, she still doesn’t 100% understand how Steve has remained in love with her for all these years. He’s still so devoted to her that sometimes she has to pinch herself to remember that this is real. 

“Of course,” Steve responds, truthfully. “I’ve been in love with you since I was seventeen, almost eighteen years old. I’m twenty-nine now and those feelings haven’t changed at all. They never will.”

“You could do better,” she says, shyly.

He smirks. “There are probably people out there who think that, but fuck what they think. You’re worth it all. Why wouldn’t I wait?”

The ends of her lips curl into a small smile. Natasha bites her lip before saying, “You’re a _sap_ , Rogers.”

“You still haven’t given me an answer yet, Romanoff,” Steve says, challengingly. 

Natasha’s grin grows wider. “ _Yes_.”

Steve’s eyes slightly widen and he slips the ring onto her finger, before pulling her into a kiss. 

“I’m offended, though, that you didn’t get on one knee,” Natasha says, as she admires the expensive rock on her finger. “ _Very_ untraditional.”

“Since when are we traditional people?” Steve teases her.

It’s a good question to ask, especially by the guests at their wedding in December. 

No one had quite expected Rhodey, of all people, being the minister. No one thought that Pietro would have a massive allergic reaction to the flowers (Pepper had been pissed that Pietro didn’t say anything while she was helping plan the wedding). No one had thought that little James would get bored halfway through walking down the aisle with the wedding band and run towards Uncle Bucky and Aunt Wanda, almost losing the bands in the process (though, they should have). No one thought that Tony would be utilizing robots to serve food at the reception. Those had been just _some_ of the dozen mishaps at the wedding.

Other than that, the wedding had been amazing. Natasha had made sure that her Russian culture was respected so Pepper ensured her that they would be utilizing Russian wedding traditions during the ceremony and reception.

James had been, for the most part, pretty obedient and had the time of his life being fawned over by pretty much everyone. He ate more cake than Natasha and Steve probably would have liked, but they didn’t have to deal with the sugar rush since they were going on their honeymoon.

“Good luck,” Steve pats Rumlow on the back. “I’m trusting that you’ll take good care of my kid, but I’m also trusting that he doesn’t end up driving you towards death.”

“If I can handle you drunk and insane during my fourteenth birthday, I can handle your spawn. _Trust me_ ,” Rumlow says as Natasha hands him a small duffle bag filled with James’ stuff.

“Go have a blast, you two,” Sharon says with a smile. “We can handle the little munchkin.” She bends over to tickle James’ chin. “Isn’t that right, little one?”

James giggles in response. "Yes, Aunt Sharon."

Rumlow chuckles. “Don’t worry, you guys. He’s in great hands.”

“He _better_ ,” Natasha says, narrowing her eyes at him. “Or I’m slicing your D-I-C-K off and I know Sharon would hate that.”

Steve snorts in amusement.

“ _Oh my God_. Just _gooooo_ ,” Sharon says, overdramatically. “Get out of here, losers.”

Steve and Natasha hug James and kiss his forehead, before bidding them farewell.

“Be good for Uncle Brock and Aunt Sharon, okay, bud? Be nice,” Natasha says, gently, holding his little hand in hers.

James nods, showing off his wide grin. “Yes, mommy.”

“Have a good time, little man,” Steve says, “We’ll be back soon.” He ruffles James’ hair.

“Seriously, _go away!_ ” Pietro yells from the crowd of their friends. Everyone laughs. 

Natasha sticks her tongue out as she and Steve slip into the limo. 

They’re on their way to JFK Airport to get to the Maldives and Natasha’s absolutely excited. She’s never been. Joseph and Sarah had made sure to tell Steve all the great spots to explore there.

Natasha leans on his shoulder as they cross the bridge.

“You ready?” Steve smiles down at her. “This is a new journey for you and me.”

“ _Always_ ,” she replies before kissing his lips.

It’s taken her over ten years, but she finally has answers. She finally knows the truth. It’s refreshing after all this time. She knows who she is now. She’s not a flaker anymore. She doesn't run. She doesn't hide. She's a free soul. 

Natasha has finally found herself in Steve Rogers.

Natasha has finally found herself in James Rogers.

Natasha has _finally_ found herself in one Natasha Romanoff-Rogers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it to the end, kudos to you. i know this was an extremely long chapter. i reallly hope you guys liked it and that you thought it was a satsifying conclusion. i know the ending could have been developed better, but i liked it the way it was.  
> feel free to leave any comments. i love hearing your feedback and i would love to know what you guys thought overall. i appreciate all kudos as well. any feedback means the world to me.  
> thank you so so much for reading. i appreciate all of your time that went into reading this. i hope you check out my other works too!  
> xx  
> k

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it to here, thank you so so much! i know this was a long read.
> 
> the next two chapters (this is a 4 part story) will go by slower and there'll be more development that way. i know this chapter went by fast as hell.
> 
> thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed it! i would love to hear any feedback you have. i love reading comments.
> 
> have a great week everyone.  
> xx


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